Should I go on a date despite a 20 year age gap?

[UndecidedOtter]

I (M50) do an activity with a bunch of other people once a week. I've made a few friends and there is one woman who walks in the same direction as me towards our respective homes. I've really enjoyed our chats over many weeks.

Yesterday, we stopped for coffee on the way home, not for the first time and she asked me out on what is definitely a date. I was very surprised she would find me attractive. I would be happy to continue with her as friend, but she is gorgeous, and now realise I have been suppressing the fact that there is chemistry between us. She is single with no kids, as am I.

Now we come to the issue. She is in her early 30s so there is a 20 year age gap. I am reluctant to go on a date with her, not because we don't have enough in common, but because of that difference. I'm already thinking of a future where she is 50 and I am 70. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous and I'd love to go on the date otherwise and just play it by ear, but I have these doubts.

What do you think?

So what?

don’t Do it.

30 and 50 seems fine.

just wait too she’s 49 and her partner is about to turn seventy. The age gap feels massive then

He is filthy rich. Treats her like a princess. She won't be his personal carer - they got staff to take care of everything . Probably his and hers parts of the mansion. This isn't your bog standard marriage.

If you are attracted to her and she is attracted to you (I assume she is seen as she's asked you) then go for it, it'll either lead somewhere or it won't but you won't know unless you try.

Yes. Go on a date. Don't overthink it. See what happens.
X

I married my 20-year age gap earlier this year. He is younger, and he asked me out. We are very happy together.

Well fortunately this up to the two people involved and not you.

No it's not. She's 30 not 22. There's a difference.

Yeah me too
🤔

Hold your horses OP. I wouldn't be jumping ahead to the pair of you married just yet. She approached you, yeah? If you like her, go on the date but just don't presume or assume anything or do with age or anything else. If you both enjoy the date, go on another date. Take things slow and then if you're still going on dates you can say: "Hey Debbie. Are you at all worried about me being almost twice your age?"

I think you are reasonable to be cautious.

Lots of posters seem to be thinking this is some poor vulnerable young girl.
shes a 30 year adult so presumably fully matured.

thinking back to when I was 30 I can’t remember lusting after 50 year old men. However, as you’ve got to know her organically over time the connection could be genuine and make the age difference less relevant

You like her . Just to. She’s asked you out!

how many 50 year old blokes can say they’ve been asked out by a 30 year old woman.

just take a chance and see where it goes

When I was 50, a 30 year old man asked me out. I thought, hell, why not?! 13 years later, we’re still together. Go for it! What have you to lose?

You definitely should go on a date!

How often do you meet someone you have an instant connection with.

Don't overthink it and enjoy getting to know each other more.

Life is too short to let this opportunity pass you by when you already have such a good rapport.

Speaking from experience?

Fine for fun but long term no.

Having children as someone in your 50s is massively irresponsible. Presuming that given he hasn’t even started dating her yet, if it goes well and if she wants children he would be mid 50s before they started trying as they barely even know each other at the moment. While nobody can predict the future, there is a much higher chance the children will lose their parent while teenagers/ young adults. Snipers alley approaches while they are still at primary school. Much higher chance their parent will develop a severe health condition during their childhood. And also a much higher chance any children would be born with birth defects/ disabilities if their father is so old.

If the OP wants to date her and she wants to date him then obviously that’s up to them but it would be hugely irresponsible and selfish to try to become a father at his age. I presume any woman in her early 30s who wants to date a man of 50 is doing so because she doesn’t want children, sees he doesn’t have any and presumes he is of the same mind.

It is a very big age gap. But one date doesn't meam a long term relationship. You could end up hurt if it doesn't work out.

Nope, she’s right.

Of course it would be “up to them” but it would be an incredibly selfish and awful thing to do to any potential children. by 50, everyone should accept that ship has sailed far over the horizon.

All a bit premature though isn’t it, given they’ve not even been on a date?! But if it develops into a relationship the OP should clarify with her early on that there is no expectation of children. I highly doubt a woman in her early 30s would be asking 50 year old men to go on dates if she wanted to have children, anyway.

I’d just do it tbh.

I had a very brief fling with someone 30 years younger than me. He was adorable.

Ill admit I didn’t find it particularly easy to read Salman Rushdie waxing lyrical about meeting and marrying his 5th wife, who is something like 40 years younger than him, but they sound ecstatically happy so what do I know?

God the people on here today are pleasant.

OP has people calling him gross…for what exactly, being asked on a date by someone younger than him, give off.

People have told him it is irresponsible to have kids at 50…big jump to that point but here goes, he might not be around to see grand kids, but his wife would most likely be, he could be very financially sound and have left more than enough money on passing to support his wife in raising children (who by the way would likely be adults when he died). The same people saying no to kids at 50 when it’ll be a 30 year old carrying them, are the ones who encourage women in their late 40s to keep trying…contradicting yourselves much.

Then we have the ones saying ‘I knew she wouldn’t be 70’…well yeah obviously, because starting to date a 70 year old at 50 wouldn’t bring the usual men hating ‘he must be a creep nonsense’. The OP hasn’t made a move, he isn’t the one asking to go on a date, he just wants advice on what people think…but because he is the older one and is in possession of a penis, it could only be a younger woman and it can only be that he is a creep.

@UndecidedOtter you need to just throw caution to the wind, if you are comfortable and she is comfortable then go for it. If you don’t think you can deal with the side eye you’ll get from people like the posters here then don’t do it. But honestly I wish you well, and hope that you start worrying about what you and she think, not anyone else. 💐

I'm F51, my partner is M72. He's awesome, we're happy after 4 years together.

It does make me sad that I'll be watching him age and decline at some point though, despite how healthy and fit he is now. But you never know what life will throw at you. People lose their partners at all ages. I wouldn't have missed out my years with him for anything.

Besides, it's just a date. Why on earth not??

I don’t want to disparage your wife’s view here, and I’m sure she knows plenty of sane and stable and decent older men who are pursued by hot younger women looking for sex.

But I’d still advise OP to proceed with caution.

Some other common reasons women go for much older men: daddy issues; sexual abuse trauma; the older man has power or status; they want babies right now and men their own age aren’t ready; they think an older man is less likely to mess them about because he knows how lucky he is to have young totty.

My father had a succession of much younger girlfriends and wives and they were all pretty vulnerable, with significant mental health issues.

His latest (and final) wife is my age, so there is a nearly 40 year age gap between them. The first child together was born when my dad was 70. Just after the youngest of their children was born, my father became extremely unwell for the better part of a decade, needing constant care, and died at 83. It was not a happy family life for anyone.

A 20 year age gap doesn’t seem much when you’re 30 and ageing proper hasn’t set in and everyone is smug about looking and feeling young for their age. But it’s a different ballgame when you’re 40 and in your prime in terms of energy and ambition, and your partner is beginning to wind down and takes up birdwatching, or needs a lot of looking after.

It’s really not.