Should I go on a date despite a 20 year age gap?

[UndecidedOtter]

I (M50) do an activity with a bunch of other people once a week. I've made a few friends and there is one woman who walks in the same direction as me towards our respective homes. I've really enjoyed our chats over many weeks.

Yesterday, we stopped for coffee on the way home, not for the first time and she asked me out on what is definitely a date. I was very surprised she would find me attractive. I would be happy to continue with her as friend, but she is gorgeous, and now realise I have been suppressing the fact that there is chemistry between us. She is single with no kids, as am I.

Now we come to the issue. She is in her early 30s so there is a 20 year age gap. I am reluctant to go on a date with her, not because we don't have enough in common, but because of that difference. I'm already thinking of a future where she is 50 and I am 70. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous and I'd love to go on the date otherwise and just play it by ear, but I have these doubts.

What do you think?

You could be her dad

Yes chronologically he could be her dad. Equally, he could form a great relationship with another adult with whom he has lots in common 🙃

I suspect once the novelty of being with someone older wears off, she will want to go back to being with someone closer to her own age with whom she can build a life. If you think you can keep it casual why not, but if you think you're likely to get your heart broken I'd stay well away.

You could be the love of her life, or she, yours.If you don't go you'll never know.

I mean you're both adults so 💁

As age gaps go I think it’s fine you are both adults able to make your own decisions at 30 she has more than enough experience to know what she wants

I mean, maybe she doesn’t want kids. Maybe she’s just looking for a bit of fun.
Or maybe she’s wants to date older thinking you will be a more steady partner.

I think I’d air my concerns like “Sandra you know I’m twenty years older than you so that might not be a wise move”.

See what she says.

Enjoy people’s company in the moment, who cares if it lasts a year or 30, don’t be so serious and intense. Realistically you can never really predict it so just go with the flow.

Of course not.

I was married quite young for ten years, but we were not able to have kids, and both changed a lot, so we divorced amicably. The last relationship I had ended three years ago.

Go for it. If she is a consenting adult, what is the problem?

I would! You just need to go into it with your eyes open that it may not be a long term thing as she may not view a bloke 20 years older as a "lifelong" relationship. No harm at all as you're both adults, presumably neither of you are vulnerable in any way. Go for it. Especially if, as it sounds, she's the "forward" one as it's not you who is pushing for a relationship with someone 20 years younger. I really wouldn't get hung up on the long term future when you're 70 and she's 50 - that's 20 years away and you could have a very mutually beneficial/enjoyable relationship over that time, even if just casually rather than marriage/living together. Anyway, no one can predict the future. She could get struck down aged 50 with a serious health condition and you could find roles reversed from expectations and you becoming her carer rather than her yours just because you're a lot older.

Why not. Could be a bit of fun for both of you if nothing else. The only thing I would say is that she may very well want children. So if it starts to look serious, then best have the conversation to avoid any upset or misunderstanding. I am rather assuming here that as a 50 year old bloke you don't particularly want babies in your life - but I could be very wrong!

My wife made an interesting comment

A woman will go for a much older man if either

1. She wants sex and you are the best on offer - which doesnt seem to apply in this case or
2. She thinks that you are so good that your age isnt an issue

So as Corporal Jones says 'Dont Panic!!'

Oh and does she know how old you are?

I have always wanted to have children, but it has not worked out. I really enjoy being an uncle - I know that's not remotely the same thing, but it is something. I work with children in my day job. My main concern is that I would only have children with whom I had a very strong and loving bond.

As SHE asked you, yes I would.

I’ve got a couple of female friends that are married to older guys with the same age gap. Both couples have always been very happy.

Sadly now the men are nearing 80 with health problems, life can be quite difficult and worrying for them, although I don’t think my friends would have done it any differently.

There was a lovely article about a man in the Guardian who his relationship with a much younger colleague turned into marriage and children.

He had adult children who really enjoy and love their much younger siblings.

That's very helpful!

No one would look at me and thing "well, there's a man who is obviously good at sex."

When she asked me out, I said "you do know how old I am?" She said she already knew.

No. Gross.

Ok no. With all due respect op this changes things. You are fifty years old. Sorry to put this bluntly but, your swimmers should not be knocking anyone up anymore.

Dating her, fine. Kids? Hell no.

Happens all the time. Some women are naturally attracted to much older men. No big deal as she seems to like you and you’re both adults.

Don't think ages matters in your age brackets.
Just go on the date!

Yes. I think she feels the chemistry and mutual attraction and possibly that you find the age difference awkward, so she’s telling you very clearly there’s nothing to feel awkward about.