Should I go on a date despite a 20 year age gap?

[UndecidedOtter]

I (M50) do an activity with a bunch of other people once a week. I've made a few friends and there is one woman who walks in the same direction as me towards our respective homes. I've really enjoyed our chats over many weeks.

Yesterday, we stopped for coffee on the way home, not for the first time and she asked me out on what is definitely a date. I was very surprised she would find me attractive. I would be happy to continue with her as friend, but she is gorgeous, and now realise I have been suppressing the fact that there is chemistry between us. She is single with no kids, as am I.

Now we come to the issue. She is in her early 30s so there is a 20 year age gap. I am reluctant to go on a date with her, not because we don't have enough in common, but because of that difference. I'm already thinking of a future where she is 50 and I am 70. I know that sounds a bit ridiculous and I'd love to go on the date otherwise and just play it by ear, but I have these doubts.

What do you think?

I had a good friend who married a man who was at least 15 years older than her. They were very, very happy until her untimely death after 25 years of marriage.

My point being shit happens OP and in life you have to grab each opportunity of happiness when you can.

You're both adults, I dont see the problem.

Good luck OP, I hope you both have a great time 😊

Can I ask you whether you would consider dating a 70 year old woman, OP?

Also, when you were 30, would you have considered dating a 50 year old woman?

I don't really date people based on their age, but I have not been attracted to anyone 20 years older than me yet (other than some film stars). She apparently is.

If I were 30 and attracted to a 50 year old, I suspect the age difference wouldn't have stopped me if I really wanted to go out, but who knows? It's hard to imagine. At 30, 50 seemed quite old to me. So, again, I don't know why she differs from me in that respect.

That’s gross.

Can I ask you whether you would consider dating a 70 year old woman, OP?
Also, when you were 30, would you have considered dating a 50 year old woman?

My (female) neighbour has just celebrated her 70th birthday- until the party I had assumed she was going to be 60. Her DH is 52- I know his exact age because he was in my cousins' class. They have a child who I think must be early 20's (finished uni last summer).
So age gap relationships can work both ways.

An exception doesn't make it a great idea in general.

You asked What do you think about much older men (eg pop stars) where there is a 20-30 year age gap

Strange question. Why would I feel differently about that??

In this world of increasing disconnection where people live more and more of their lives online someone in real life who you like and who likes you has asked you out. Do you know how increasingly rare this is?! You'd be mad not to say yes.

Don't get ahead of yourself by thinking about the age gap.

Brilliant advice 🙌

Definitely recommend ruling out the possibility that you are in fact her dad, and then go for it

@hethor 😂🙌

Good luck on your date OP. Why not? Life is short.

Meanwhile, my 51y/o self is planning a 'date' with my 72 y/o partner. The anticipation is delightful, even after 4 years. I can't wait!

I don't understand the naysayers - "But you could be her Dad!" Or, "Would you date a 70 y/o woman"" and so on.

You are only 50, she is only 30. I hope it goes well. And if not, it doesn't matter. You're both young enough to move on.

Why is it gross? WHY? It's the business of the individuals concerned only. Certainly none of yours. How fucking judgemental. They're both grown adults.

Because very few people don't bat an eyelid- Jagger, George Clooney, etc etc.
It's not such an exception as you make out.

Colleague married a women around 16 years younger, at 50-ish. They had two children. He was divorced. Still very happy together.

You see some people would rather have 20 years with the right man/ woman than 50 years with the wrong man/woman.

All this crap about women will be men's carers - women usually ARE! My mum was my dad's carer when she was 90!

If I were 30 and attracted to a 50 year old, I suspect the age difference wouldn't have stopped me if I really wanted to go out, but who knows?

Exactly. Also, apart from age and looks, personality goes a long way.

The only caveat here is if she wants children, which you don't really chat about on a first date.

Go and have fun. Doesn’t necessarily have to end up in a relationship - just enjoy the process.

Completely agree. ❤️

Yes, but if the man is significantly older, the chances are that you'll spend about years extra of your life doing that is significantly higher, alongside having to adapt your needs and lifestyle to someone who is significantly older. I used to know someone who was with someone a decade older than herself, and even though she initially had no problems with it, she said that once he retired in particular, she sometimes felt a older than she actually was because of being with him.

I would say no as beyond sexual attraction you’re probably not going to have much in common.

That can all happen at any age. This shouldn't be about age. It's a connection that you have that is wildly different to others.

Did you read what OP wrote? She asked him out because of a shared interest and their later conversations.

My colleague is 50 and his wife is 32. They got together 8 years ago and married in 2023. She left him last Sunday saying they'd grown apart. She took their two dogs that he and his father had paid for! Eventually it shows.

I did read it. One shared interest and a few good conversations is a nice start, but it isn't the same as being in step. At 50 and 30 you're often at completely different stages: kids or no kids, career building vs winding down, energy, friends, what a weekend looks like, what the next 10–20 years look like. None of that shows up over a shared hobby. It can work, but 'we clicked about X' doesn't cancel out the gap. It's just the bit that makes the gap easy to overlook early on.

That can happen to any couple though....

It’s a date, she didn’t propose marriage! Let them find out about each other and decide for themselves.