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I think my partners belifes are affecting my feeling for him

139 replies

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 09:32

Hello, its my first time posting anywhere and I hope this would be a right place. I'm sorry in advance for any mistakes; English is not my first language.

I'm 26 years old woman, my parter is 30 years old male. We are from different countries and are currently long distance but we've been in a relationship for 2 years now. We are of two different political sides, im more left leaning he is more right leaning. I'm an atheist and he was never really religious but recently he said he is finding comfort in God and is becoming more of a agnostic/starting beliving person. I'm a child-free person while he said he would like to be a father but its never explicitly been said that he wants to have kids. I'm pro-choice and he is only okay with abortion is extreame cases. As you can see our political views does not align in a lot of ways. I could spend even more time pointing out the differences. When we are together and not talking about anything politics/religion related we are the happiest couple ever. We had some minor disagreements on some unrelated topics but they ususally get resolved quick anda are mostly misunderstandings.When it comes to the other topics however, things get very bad very quick. Full blown fights, insults, threatenings of breakup or even actual short break ups, we had 3... Honetsly, every fights its getting more exhausting. We alwasy come back to the good time util another political issue is being brought up. Recently he's been very vocal about preserving white race, he is a big beliver of a replacment theory. After some relatively peaceful conversation, I came to an understanding he wants more white children to be born, more people to become more religious and more people to become conservative. All which im not. I'm not religious, dont want to ever become reigiou and carry some trauma regarding this. I dont want to have any children, dont want to be pregnant and the idea of even an accident terrifies me, I'm also not good with kids and not a kid person. I'm not consrvative and wont become one either... After seeing some of his instagram repost recently, I'm starting to get suspicious he is getting more and more alt right, saw some post that comments carried a lot of misogynistic takes, like how women should have their voting rights removed, full with racism and anti LGBTQ takes, the posts themselves are never of the severty or content that comments carry but the vids are often milder takes of them. After seeing a lot of that it feels like something changed and broke inside me. I'm terrified he might wnat to convert me during our relationship, maybe make me have kids, it is all gotitng to the point I rn feelemotionally numb, I dont want to have intimacy, I dont want to hang out but I'm too scared to talk about any of my concerns. I dont know what to do. He never outright said any of the things, he supposedly doesnt belive in taking away voting rights or anything like that but the fear is juts lingering. Is there a possibilty im overthingking everything or should we sit down for an actual conversation with risk of a big fight or breakup? Our relationship was always amazing outside of that, he healed a lot of parts of me as well as I helped him, I want him in my life. Exept it feels like i want the nonpolitical part and not full package. From his perspective he says my beliefs are not important to him that they are nto matiching cuz im more than my beliefs, Is it really possible to be able to seperate a person like that? I'm lost...

OP posts:
cartagenagina · 21/09/2026 09:37

He sounds absolutely horrendous to me. I can’t imagine why anyone would be interested in a relationship with him.

Do yourself a favour and finish it.

GreenFootstool · 21/09/2026 09:38

"Full blown fights, insults, threatenings of breakup or even actual short break ups, we had 3... Honetsly, every fights its getting more exhausting"

Plus "very vocal about preserving white race, he is a big beliver of a replacment theory".

The man is a wanker. Get rid of him.

Get yourself a nice therapist or counsellor and work through both your feelings in this relationship and the religious trauma. Stay single for a while and focus on your own safety and health.

Yoheresthestory · 21/09/2026 09:40

you feel deep down he’s a serious threat to you. Listen to your instinct.

ChaToilLeam · 21/09/2026 09:40

Just ditch him. You don't need anyone's permission.

devildeepbluesea · 21/09/2026 09:40

I see it said on here that you shouldn't let politics spoil a relationship. I disagree completely. I think your political leanings are based on your values as a human being, and I could never be with someone whose politics were directly opposed to mine.

Quite apart from all that though, he's just an awful person so dump him and quick.

tomblybooo · 21/09/2026 09:42

Didn’t even finish it all because my brain was screaming just leave him, never going to work

BeDandyDenimSloth · 21/09/2026 09:43

You are not compatible at all , run and keep running

Gifgaf · 21/09/2026 09:45

I am on the right side of political views and would be deemed as "outrageous" in today's society by the left. However, you want my advice, id say you are better off not being together and you are saving each other a lot of hurt for the future. My DH and I share the same views politically, morally and religiously and it works but if we had extreme different views, I could be with him because honestly my feelings for him would start to diminish and I would feel hurt around him. As an example, I am VERY pro-life and a Christian and if he was very pro-choice and hated God, that relationship would have to end. You are obviously not going to change your views and he doesn't sound like he is either and it's only fair you both maybe go your own ways and find someone who aligns with your lifestyle and choices. Good luck to you both x

AdeleRochester · 21/09/2026 09:47

Run

HandPulledNoodles · 21/09/2026 09:48

You don't need a forum of strangers to tell you this is a not a goer surely?

He sounds awful and you sound incompatible in the extreme.

Itsasecretnow · 21/09/2026 09:50

These things you disagree are massive things, all of them very important. They not only affect (or will affect in the future) your relationship they will affect how he sees and treats other people. These, to me, are fundamental issues, and he seems to be getting even more radical and intolerant in his views and I can only see them becoming worse.
It isn’t even as though he can just have a discussion or a debate about differences of opinions, he sounds like he can only fight and wants you to agree with him and say he’s right. He will keep trying to push his views on you. You really need to end this relationship for your own wellbeing and safety, in my opinion. What would happen if you “accidentally” got pregnant, ie he messes with contraception? If you have a child with him then you are tied to him for at least the next 18 years, and of course if he finds out you are pregnant he will try and stop you having a termination. Even if you chose to have children with him, would you really want a child growing up in that kind of environment? It would be awful.
You say you’re long distance, tbh that makes it a lot simpler to break up, you can safely do it at a distance. However, I would make sure people around you know about it, and do simple things like change locks if he has keys etc, just in case he were to try and visit.
This will only get worse. We’re not talking about a few differences of opinions, we’re talking about fundamental flaws. He’s misogynistic, clearly homophonic, racist, intolerant of anybody not like him. Do you want to even be associated with someone like that? Have people think you hold the same vile views as him, because I think a lot of people naturally would, unfortunately. Break it off now before he gets even more brainwashed by all this alt-right, misogynistic hatred, and before he has a chance to try and get you pregnant.

Cla7 · 21/09/2026 09:51

My husbands beliefs are nowhere near as extreme as yours, but they differ from mine. I started a thread some years ago about that topic and I wish I had listened to the advice I got. There comes the point where you realise that you’re just not compatible with someone and it’s better you face this reality now.

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 09:51

Outside of the political thing he is so loving and carrying, funny, helps me deal with my trauma and insecurities, helps me find self confidence and supports my hobbies and any self-improvements that I try do do to help myself. I have severe anxiety and recovering from depression, he helps me a lot and helped me see how of a valuable human being i am. It feels like him when politics are involved is a compeltly different person and i dont know how to deal with it...

OP posts:
mochimoons · 21/09/2026 09:53

Regardless of the differences in politics (I couldn't continue a relationship with a misogynist racist myself and would end it) he's said he wants to be a father which means he has told you he wants children you are maybe just choosing not to hear that because you want the relationship to work. That should be a deal breaker in itself - you will eventually break up when he is ready to have children.

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 09:57

Everytime I felt like I want to break up cuz of his views (he is not against gay/lesbians marrying but doenst want them to adeopt kids, he is not anti mixed race marriges but also things people should make sure tehre are still racial distinct bababie sbeing born, he doesnt want to ban all abortion but thinks its a murder, there are a lot of these) he always brings up the argument he things a lot of my views are too extreame and differet from his, how he doesnt agree with them and yet he keeps loving me cuz im more than my views adn he doesnt need them to alignt to love me. Its my first relationship, the first tiem anyone ever loved me, I want it to work...

OP posts:
HesterLeggatt · 21/09/2026 09:57

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 09:32

Hello, its my first time posting anywhere and I hope this would be a right place. I'm sorry in advance for any mistakes; English is not my first language.

I'm 26 years old woman, my parter is 30 years old male. We are from different countries and are currently long distance but we've been in a relationship for 2 years now. We are of two different political sides, im more left leaning he is more right leaning. I'm an atheist and he was never really religious but recently he said he is finding comfort in God and is becoming more of a agnostic/starting beliving person. I'm a child-free person while he said he would like to be a father but its never explicitly been said that he wants to have kids. I'm pro-choice and he is only okay with abortion is extreame cases. As you can see our political views does not align in a lot of ways. I could spend even more time pointing out the differences. When we are together and not talking about anything politics/religion related we are the happiest couple ever. We had some minor disagreements on some unrelated topics but they ususally get resolved quick anda are mostly misunderstandings.When it comes to the other topics however, things get very bad very quick. Full blown fights, insults, threatenings of breakup or even actual short break ups, we had 3... Honetsly, every fights its getting more exhausting. We alwasy come back to the good time util another political issue is being brought up. Recently he's been very vocal about preserving white race, he is a big beliver of a replacment theory. After some relatively peaceful conversation, I came to an understanding he wants more white children to be born, more people to become more religious and more people to become conservative. All which im not. I'm not religious, dont want to ever become reigiou and carry some trauma regarding this. I dont want to have any children, dont want to be pregnant and the idea of even an accident terrifies me, I'm also not good with kids and not a kid person. I'm not consrvative and wont become one either... After seeing some of his instagram repost recently, I'm starting to get suspicious he is getting more and more alt right, saw some post that comments carried a lot of misogynistic takes, like how women should have their voting rights removed, full with racism and anti LGBTQ takes, the posts themselves are never of the severty or content that comments carry but the vids are often milder takes of them. After seeing a lot of that it feels like something changed and broke inside me. I'm terrified he might wnat to convert me during our relationship, maybe make me have kids, it is all gotitng to the point I rn feelemotionally numb, I dont want to have intimacy, I dont want to hang out but I'm too scared to talk about any of my concerns. I dont know what to do. He never outright said any of the things, he supposedly doesnt belive in taking away voting rights or anything like that but the fear is juts lingering. Is there a possibilty im overthingking everything or should we sit down for an actual conversation with risk of a big fight or breakup? Our relationship was always amazing outside of that, he healed a lot of parts of me as well as I helped him, I want him in my life. Exept it feels like i want the nonpolitical part and not full package. From his perspective he says my beliefs are not important to him that they are nto matiching cuz im more than my beliefs, Is it really possible to be able to seperate a person like that? I'm lost...

If your relationship is only amazing when you compromise all your morals and beliefs then it’s not amazing.

mochimoons · 21/09/2026 09:59

HesterLeggatt · 21/09/2026 09:57

If your relationship is only amazing when you compromise all your morals and beliefs then it’s not amazing.

This really hits the nail on the head

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:00

mochimoons · 21/09/2026 09:53

Regardless of the differences in politics (I couldn't continue a relationship with a misogynist racist myself and would end it) he's said he wants to be a father which means he has told you he wants children you are maybe just choosing not to hear that because you want the relationship to work. That should be a deal breaker in itself - you will eventually break up when he is ready to have children.

We share a clsoe friend group which most of the time do not share our all political views togetehr but i would say most of them are closer to me than him, one of our freinds are closer to him but I would say people are usually surprised we are making it work as we do and even congratulated us.. 😭

OP posts:
Mischance · 21/09/2026 10:00

You are 26.

Before you can blink you will be 62 and will have wasted a chunk of your life on someone with whom you are incompatible.

You know what to do .....

Catza · 21/09/2026 10:01

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 09:51

Outside of the political thing he is so loving and carrying, funny, helps me deal with my trauma and insecurities, helps me find self confidence and supports my hobbies and any self-improvements that I try do do to help myself. I have severe anxiety and recovering from depression, he helps me a lot and helped me see how of a valuable human being i am. It feels like him when politics are involved is a compeltly different person and i dont know how to deal with it...

From experience of foolishly dating someone with similar political views, him being "loving and caring" is a temporary feature which will very soon end in him undermining your newly found confidence to turn you into a helpless, anxiety-ridden creature who is too scared to leave him because "nobody else will love me".
Your values are incompatible. Worse even, you can't co-exist and communicate calmly while holding opposite values because that will involve some for of effective communication. Having ugly arguments and breaking up multiple times in a short space of time suggests that effective communication is not something that's achievable in this relationship.
I would hazard a guess, that you are way too deep already. You already believe that he is your saviour and you can't live without him. He already made himself into your emotional crutch. It's only a matter of time before it turns ugly.

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:02

Itsasecretnow · 21/09/2026 09:50

These things you disagree are massive things, all of them very important. They not only affect (or will affect in the future) your relationship they will affect how he sees and treats other people. These, to me, are fundamental issues, and he seems to be getting even more radical and intolerant in his views and I can only see them becoming worse.
It isn’t even as though he can just have a discussion or a debate about differences of opinions, he sounds like he can only fight and wants you to agree with him and say he’s right. He will keep trying to push his views on you. You really need to end this relationship for your own wellbeing and safety, in my opinion. What would happen if you “accidentally” got pregnant, ie he messes with contraception? If you have a child with him then you are tied to him for at least the next 18 years, and of course if he finds out you are pregnant he will try and stop you having a termination. Even if you chose to have children with him, would you really want a child growing up in that kind of environment? It would be awful.
You say you’re long distance, tbh that makes it a lot simpler to break up, you can safely do it at a distance. However, I would make sure people around you know about it, and do simple things like change locks if he has keys etc, just in case he were to try and visit.
This will only get worse. We’re not talking about a few differences of opinions, we’re talking about fundamental flaws. He’s misogynistic, clearly homophonic, racist, intolerant of anybody not like him. Do you want to even be associated with someone like that? Have people think you hold the same vile views as him, because I think a lot of people naturally would, unfortunately. Break it off now before he gets even more brainwashed by all this alt-right, misogynistic hatred, and before he has a chance to try and get you pregnant.

I dont think he would do such a thing like mess up with contraception as it is something he vocally said he views as vile and disgusting thing and agreeed with me its rape, I was never scared of that...

OP posts:
Itsasecretnow · 21/09/2026 10:02

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 09:51

Outside of the political thing he is so loving and carrying, funny, helps me deal with my trauma and insecurities, helps me find self confidence and supports my hobbies and any self-improvements that I try do do to help myself. I have severe anxiety and recovering from depression, he helps me a lot and helped me see how of a valuable human being i am. It feels like him when politics are involved is a compeltly different person and i dont know how to deal with it...

But it goes beyond just simple politics. The man is a misogynist, he’s racist, he’s homophobic…he has no tolerance for anyone not like him. He is actively hateful. He has no respect for women - he wants women to lose the vote ffs! He’s not “just” racist, he’s “white power”. These views are actively harmful! If you choose to be with him it will only get worse, think about moving in together, getting married, living together all the time. At the moment it’s long distance and so he can hide a lot of who he is when you’re together right now. But all of this would be unbearable if you were living together. Believe me, he’s showing you his “best” side when you’re o my spending limited amounts of time together, but that will change if you live together. A misogynist does not have respect for women - any woman - and he won’t have respect for you either, once he’s got you where he wants you and he will grind you down. You won’t be able to associate with any of the people he sees as beneath him. You have seen his true colours in his views, and the fact that he even talks about all his hatred with pride shows entirely how bad he is! You sound determined to only see the good bits, before you know it there will be no good bits. That’s your choice. You know what he is and if you continue you are opening your life and future to be full of this stuff all day, every day, and his treatment of you will become abusive.

Dumbledore167 · 21/09/2026 10:03

You can’t be racist and misogynistic and also a good person - they are mutually exclusive.
You also can’t make someone have good values if they don’t.
Two years isn’t long in the grand scheme of things.
Dump him

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:04

Catza · 21/09/2026 10:01

From experience of foolishly dating someone with similar political views, him being "loving and caring" is a temporary feature which will very soon end in him undermining your newly found confidence to turn you into a helpless, anxiety-ridden creature who is too scared to leave him because "nobody else will love me".
Your values are incompatible. Worse even, you can't co-exist and communicate calmly while holding opposite values because that will involve some for of effective communication. Having ugly arguments and breaking up multiple times in a short space of time suggests that effective communication is not something that's achievable in this relationship.
I would hazard a guess, that you are way too deep already. You already believe that he is your saviour and you can't live without him. He already made himself into your emotional crutch. It's only a matter of time before it turns ugly.

Edited

everytime we broke up we got togetehr bcos of me, i practically begged him to come back and he alwasy said he was ready to let me go and find someoen better for me... am i a toxic one here that keeps us both locked in this situattion?

OP posts:
Agatha1989 · 21/09/2026 10:05

He’s not the right man for you, throw him back. There are lots of decent men out there and he isn’t one of them.