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I think my partners belifes are affecting my feeling for him

139 replies

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 09:32

Hello, its my first time posting anywhere and I hope this would be a right place. I'm sorry in advance for any mistakes; English is not my first language.

I'm 26 years old woman, my parter is 30 years old male. We are from different countries and are currently long distance but we've been in a relationship for 2 years now. We are of two different political sides, im more left leaning he is more right leaning. I'm an atheist and he was never really religious but recently he said he is finding comfort in God and is becoming more of a agnostic/starting beliving person. I'm a child-free person while he said he would like to be a father but its never explicitly been said that he wants to have kids. I'm pro-choice and he is only okay with abortion is extreame cases. As you can see our political views does not align in a lot of ways. I could spend even more time pointing out the differences. When we are together and not talking about anything politics/religion related we are the happiest couple ever. We had some minor disagreements on some unrelated topics but they ususally get resolved quick anda are mostly misunderstandings.When it comes to the other topics however, things get very bad very quick. Full blown fights, insults, threatenings of breakup or even actual short break ups, we had 3... Honetsly, every fights its getting more exhausting. We alwasy come back to the good time util another political issue is being brought up. Recently he's been very vocal about preserving white race, he is a big beliver of a replacment theory. After some relatively peaceful conversation, I came to an understanding he wants more white children to be born, more people to become more religious and more people to become conservative. All which im not. I'm not religious, dont want to ever become reigiou and carry some trauma regarding this. I dont want to have any children, dont want to be pregnant and the idea of even an accident terrifies me, I'm also not good with kids and not a kid person. I'm not consrvative and wont become one either... After seeing some of his instagram repost recently, I'm starting to get suspicious he is getting more and more alt right, saw some post that comments carried a lot of misogynistic takes, like how women should have their voting rights removed, full with racism and anti LGBTQ takes, the posts themselves are never of the severty or content that comments carry but the vids are often milder takes of them. After seeing a lot of that it feels like something changed and broke inside me. I'm terrified he might wnat to convert me during our relationship, maybe make me have kids, it is all gotitng to the point I rn feelemotionally numb, I dont want to have intimacy, I dont want to hang out but I'm too scared to talk about any of my concerns. I dont know what to do. He never outright said any of the things, he supposedly doesnt belive in taking away voting rights or anything like that but the fear is juts lingering. Is there a possibilty im overthingking everything or should we sit down for an actual conversation with risk of a big fight or breakup? Our relationship was always amazing outside of that, he healed a lot of parts of me as well as I helped him, I want him in my life. Exept it feels like i want the nonpolitical part and not full package. From his perspective he says my beliefs are not important to him that they are nto matiching cuz im more than my beliefs, Is it really possible to be able to seperate a person like that? I'm lost...

OP posts:
Lovemuesli · 22/09/2026 10:20

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:09

We were visiting each other, he was in my country 2 times and i was in his once, we are not good enough financially for either of us visiting more often or to move togetehr yet. When we were together during viists we never fought, it was always most peaceful and calming and happy times i experienced...

The peaceful, calming and happy times won't continue if you choose to continue this relationship.

He isn't right for you (and for anyone else by the sound of him), and you need to end it ASAP, for your own sake.

ChromaticSeal · 22/09/2026 10:27

Elieza · 22/09/2026 09:12

do not “settle” for this guy. you can do better. hes not the one.

because of your childhood and loneliness etc youre trying to look past what ate honestly quite big failings.

you have been in a long distance rekationship for two years. youve barely seen each other in real life yet youre still fighting? that doesnt bode well.

make more friends. join clubs or associations. get to theGP and get medicated and arrange counselling to unpick your past.

you can do this. you dont need him. you need to dump him.

I'm medicated for a serious anxiety disorder and depression, I'm under care of psychiatrist and I was looking into therapy again but I'll be honest I didn't bring my relationship struggles to anyone yet... I was holding it all in cuz I'm scared to talk to anyone. Not bcos he was prohibiting me or anything like that. I think it's shame and anxiety and also that they will tell me to leave him. I somehow truly believe he will change to let go of the bad views he has that's why it's so hard to leave. I think I'm very naive and delusional...

OP posts:
ChromaticSeal · 22/09/2026 10:32

inerja · 22/09/2026 00:36

Why are you with him? Like seriously? There are billions of men. Lots who aren’t racist or misogynist. He sounds on the edge of neo nazi

He is loving, caring, supported me emotionally in numerous situations, sometimes I feel like he is putting me on some sort of pedestal, with how he thinks I'm the kindest, cutest, smartest, emotionally intelligent person. I don't feel like any of this things are true yet he always reassures me, gives me a lot of compliments and self confidence boosts, he was the first person in a long time that actually found my intelligence to be a nice thing, praised it and was amazed by it. I do found him physically attractive/aestically pleasing before I developed any sexual attraction. This part of him I love. I never had encounter romantically with a man before like that. He is the first man that loved me and I didn't experienced attraction from either gender like that before, since Im bit heterosexual. It's been my first everything with him...

OP posts:
inerja · 22/09/2026 10:37

ChromaticSeal · 22/09/2026 10:32

He is loving, caring, supported me emotionally in numerous situations, sometimes I feel like he is putting me on some sort of pedestal, with how he thinks I'm the kindest, cutest, smartest, emotionally intelligent person. I don't feel like any of this things are true yet he always reassures me, gives me a lot of compliments and self confidence boosts, he was the first person in a long time that actually found my intelligence to be a nice thing, praised it and was amazed by it. I do found him physically attractive/aestically pleasing before I developed any sexual attraction. This part of him I love. I never had encounter romantically with a man before like that. He is the first man that loved me and I didn't experienced attraction from either gender like that before, since Im bit heterosexual. It's been my first everything with him...

It’s called love bombing.
the first everything always feels special and hard to leave. We’ve all been there.
but do you really want to be associated with someone like this? I think you need to stay in therapy, and start reading a lot about narcissistic abuse

disturbia · 22/09/2026 10:38

ChromaticSeal · 22/09/2026 10:32

He is loving, caring, supported me emotionally in numerous situations, sometimes I feel like he is putting me on some sort of pedestal, with how he thinks I'm the kindest, cutest, smartest, emotionally intelligent person. I don't feel like any of this things are true yet he always reassures me, gives me a lot of compliments and self confidence boosts, he was the first person in a long time that actually found my intelligence to be a nice thing, praised it and was amazed by it. I do found him physically attractive/aestically pleasing before I developed any sexual attraction. This part of him I love. I never had encounter romantically with a man before like that. He is the first man that loved me and I didn't experienced attraction from either gender like that before, since Im bit heterosexual. It's been my first everything with him...

OP there is an old saying "hungry people make poor shoppers" which seems to be the case for you. I understand you don't want to leave him but where is this relationship going? Is he in a relationship with someone in his own country because he doesn't travel to meet you very much

ChromaticSeal · 22/09/2026 10:52

disturbia · 22/09/2026 10:38

OP there is an old saying "hungry people make poor shoppers" which seems to be the case for you. I understand you don't want to leave him but where is this relationship going? Is he in a relationship with someone in his own country because he doesn't travel to meet you very much

No he is not, he thinks cheating is the worst thing ever, we are just not financially in best places to visit each other more often

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 22/09/2026 11:28

I feel a bit confused reading your posts and maybe that’s what you are feeling too.

From what you’ve written, he has said he wants children. You don’t. To me this is enough to say this relationship is not one to continue, because this is a very basic dealbreaker for most people.

People can have different voting patterns and still be in a relationship. But it’s a lot harder if your values and life goals aren’t aligned.

ChromaticSeal · 22/09/2026 11:49

PermanentTemporary · 22/09/2026 11:28

I feel a bit confused reading your posts and maybe that’s what you are feeling too.

From what you’ve written, he has said he wants children. You don’t. To me this is enough to say this relationship is not one to continue, because this is a very basic dealbreaker for most people.

People can have different voting patterns and still be in a relationship. But it’s a lot harder if your values and life goals aren’t aligned.

He said he wants to be a father but it's not a deal breaker, just something he could have in life. I asked him few times of he has hopes I'll change my mind/would want to make me have kids and all the times he said no. I only got worried after him getting all up in arms how white people are becoming minorities and white people should have more babies, as we are both white so I was assuming he means himself too...

OP posts:
MagicMarkers · 22/09/2026 12:04

You're long distance anyway. You're not suited to each other. Just end the relationship.

ItsOkItsDarkChocolate · 22/09/2026 15:46

@ChromaticSeal

Goodness!

It sounds like you’re both in a trauma bond.

Please break free, this is not good for either of you!

The first heart break is the hardest, maybe you can eventually manage a friendship, but you are not right for each other on so many levels.

More therapy is a very good idea. He needs some too, but I’m guessing he hasn’t had any?

His views are probably being amplified and influenced by his social media algorithms, but still, he sounds like a twat!

Challenge him on his videos, have the blow out, then when you break up again, stick to it this time, delete his details, and block etc.. You can tell a lot about someone by how they handle arguments - he’s vile!

Or assertively say it’s not working for you anymore, you don’t see a happy future with him, you’re not right for each other, however, I suspect you’re not feeling strong enough for that yet.

GOOD LUCK!

Let us know when you’re free!!

PrincessofWills · 22/09/2026 15:50

He's a predator who sees your vulnerability and is manipulating you.

Dump.

CaptainMyCaptain · 22/09/2026 16:06

ChromaticSeal · 22/09/2026 10:27

I'm medicated for a serious anxiety disorder and depression, I'm under care of psychiatrist and I was looking into therapy again but I'll be honest I didn't bring my relationship struggles to anyone yet... I was holding it all in cuz I'm scared to talk to anyone. Not bcos he was prohibiting me or anything like that. I think it's shame and anxiety and also that they will tell me to leave him. I somehow truly believe he will change to let go of the bad views he has that's why it's so hard to leave. I think I'm very naive and delusional...

He's not going to change though is he?

TheBlueKoala · 22/09/2026 16:12

Gifgaf · 21/09/2026 09:45

I am on the right side of political views and would be deemed as "outrageous" in today's society by the left. However, you want my advice, id say you are better off not being together and you are saving each other a lot of hurt for the future. My DH and I share the same views politically, morally and religiously and it works but if we had extreme different views, I could be with him because honestly my feelings for him would start to diminish and I would feel hurt around him. As an example, I am VERY pro-life and a Christian and if he was very pro-choice and hated God, that relationship would have to end. You are obviously not going to change your views and he doesn't sound like he is either and it's only fair you both maybe go your own ways and find someone who aligns with your lifestyle and choices. Good luck to you both x

Just by curiosity ; do you also adher to the replacement theory and what do you think of women's place in society and should homosexuality be forbidden?

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 22/09/2026 16:19

Because you are long distance you aren't spending long periods of time together. Is there any way that you could move to be nearer him for, say, six months? Because I think when you are closer and seeing more of each other, his beliefs will start to grate on you to the extent that there will be more 'explosive arguments' anyway. Even without you deciding to end things.

I suspect this relationship has only lasted this long because you're not living with his objectionable world view 24/7.

And incidentally - him believing that cheating is evil? Yeah, they all say that. What they say and what they do? Very different things.

Annoyedbyhusband · 22/09/2026 16:46

You are 26, a whole life to live. Find peace in a relationship not turmoil and arguments about politics and beliefs. You have to be on the same page to raise kids, because otherwise you will want to raise your kids one way and he will steer them in another. Just break up. There are plenty of fish in the sea. There is a whole world out there, you have been in one relationship and quite frankly it sounds shit.

Stormyrose · 22/09/2026 16:56

Op, gently, you’ve been with this guy 3 visits over 2 years, it’s not a relationship it’s a fantasy you’ve both created. He’s got serious issues, and you need to end this game,

Wolfiefan · 23/09/2026 09:15

You don’t sound like you’re well enough to be in a relationship. It’s not just his views. The way you describe him insulting you is horrid. Thankfully you don’t live with (or even near) each other. Focus on you. Step away from him and get yourself well and strong. You deserve so much better than this.

PunishmentSnart · 23/09/2026 09:44

So youve met him in person 3 times? @ChromaticSeal

How long was each visit?

Pumpkindice · 23/09/2026 11:22

Op he's nice to you and 'makes exceptions' about some of his beliefs with you because he wants you to feel grateful that he's with you. He wants you to need him. He knows that you're vulnerable, and if you stay in this relationship you'll become even more so.

You can do better. You deserve better. Please end it with him.

ChromaticSeal · 23/09/2026 17:47

PunishmentSnart · 23/09/2026 09:44

So youve met him in person 3 times? @ChromaticSeal

How long was each visit?

First two visits were 10 days and the 3rd one, it was this July to begging of August, was 18 days

OP posts:
Lougle · 23/09/2026 19:00

ChromaticSeal · 23/09/2026 17:47

First two visits were 10 days and the 3rd one, it was this July to begging of August, was 18 days

But in that time you've discovered you have fundamentally different values.

Lmnop22 · 23/09/2026 20:06

You’re in a trauma bond.

This is so hard to read because you are on a collision course for total disaster and the only thing that makes the difference between how many years you waste on this guy is your strength to leave and prioritise yourself.

He lives in a different country, is a misogynistic racist and wants children that you don’t, this won’t get better it will just get worse and worse and worse until you end it. If that’s in 10 years you’ve wasted your best years on this awful man…

DangerousLesions · 23/09/2026 20:18

What are you lost about? The answer staring you in the face is that you are poles apart and the gap is widening. Please go and find someone (not long distance) whose values align with your own. Thank you.

ChromaticSeal · 26/09/2026 00:00

It's scary for me to make such a decisions and I've had a panic attack planning the conversation but we ended up spending some together (watching shows over discord) and don't remember how we got there and how the situation even expanded so much but he "jokes" how he hates gays and when I didn't catch it's a joke I asked him about it and he got very defensive and asked why I even get so worked up over this so I remained him I am not heterosexual and I like women too so it's kinda upsetting for me to hear him say that and whole conversation ended up with me learning that

  1. He doesn't believe I also like women, I'm just confused and groomed by LGBT propaganda
  2. He doesn't actually care about my views and opinions and that's just how we do cuz if I cared I would changed some of my views to be more like his
  3. He will would only consider us family if we had a kid so that means we will never be a family and there is no point of us marrying cuz I'm just a partner, never a family

I've been hurt and crying myself to sleep rn, I understand it's literally just each conversation a delusion falls and I see him as he is but I've realized I locked myself out of friends and any actual contact besides him so I didn't have a place to let go out all the pain I feel rn. I guess it broke a final thing in me and simce he is asleep rn I'll write down a message to him about ending our relationship. I can't believe I was so blind. Thank you everyone that talked with me

OP posts:
Merseymum1980 · 26/09/2026 00:20

He sounds a nutter to be honest