I think my partners belifes are affecting my feeling for him

[ChromaticSeal]

Hello, its my first time posting anywhere and I hope this would be a right place. I'm sorry in advance for any mistakes; English is not my first language.

I'm 26 years old woman, my parter is 30 years old male. We are from different countries and are currently long distance but we've been in a relationship for 2 years now. We are of two different political sides, im more left leaning he is more right leaning. I'm an atheist and he was never really religious but recently he said he is finding comfort in God and is becoming more of a agnostic/starting beliving person. I'm a child-free person while he said he would like to be a father but its never explicitly been said that he wants to have kids. I'm pro-choice and he is only okay with abortion is extreame cases. As you can see our political views does not align in a lot of ways. I could spend even more time pointing out the differences. When we are together and not talking about anything politics/religion related we are the happiest couple ever. We had some minor disagreements on some unrelated topics but they ususally get resolved quick anda are mostly misunderstandings.When it comes to the other topics however, things get very bad very quick. Full blown fights, insults, threatenings of breakup or even actual short break ups, we had 3... Honetsly, every fights its getting more exhausting. We alwasy come back to the good time util another political issue is being brought up. Recently he's been very vocal about preserving white race, he is a big beliver of a replacment theory. After some relatively peaceful conversation, I came to an understanding he wants more white children to be born, more people to become more religious and more people to become conservative. All which im not. I'm not religious, dont want to ever become reigiou and carry some trauma regarding this. I dont want to have any children, dont want to be pregnant and the idea of even an accident terrifies me, I'm also not good with kids and not a kid person. I'm not consrvative and wont become one either... After seeing some of his instagram repost recently, I'm starting to get suspicious he is getting more and more alt right, saw some post that comments carried a lot of misogynistic takes, like how women should have their voting rights removed, full with racism and anti LGBTQ takes, the posts themselves are never of the severty or content that comments carry but the vids are often milder takes of them. After seeing a lot of that it feels like something changed and broke inside me. I'm terrified he might wnat to convert me during our relationship, maybe make me have kids, it is all gotitng to the point I rn feelemotionally numb, I dont want to have intimacy, I dont want to hang out but I'm too scared to talk about any of my concerns. I dont know what to do. He never outright said any of the things, he supposedly doesnt belive in taking away voting rights or anything like that but the fear is juts lingering. Is there a possibilty im overthingking everything or should we sit down for an actual conversation with risk of a big fight or breakup? Our relationship was always amazing outside of that, he healed a lot of parts of me as well as I helped him, I want him in my life. Exept it feels like i want the nonpolitical part and not full package. From his perspective he says my beliefs are not important to him that they are nto matiching cuz im more than my beliefs, Is it really possible to be able to seperate a person like that? I'm lost...

Doesn’t matter how sweet he can be. You are not suited and will always argue. Move on.

This is a long distance relationship and he is playing a saviour to lock you in and make you dependent on him. Out of interest, would be benefit from moving to your country, is that what he wants long term?

Over distance, he can present himself as loving and helpful and therapist-like as he wants. It’s all words, it’s not difficult.

You visited each other 3 times and you have already gathered enough intel for your gut to start telling you he is not quite who he portrays himself as. Trust your gut, that is very important.

You dont sound very strong in yourself and i sense you have self worth issues. You are not toxic. You are unsure looking for someone to affirm your worth amd make you feel ok. He is NOT the person to give you that long term. When and if long term becomes close every day relationship, he sounds like the type to grind your self worth into nothing and to yse your self doubt to his advantage. His views might become the only views.

If you was my daughter my advise would be seek therapy and work on your self worth there, instead of relying on a man to give you all that. Men are fickle creatures and more often than not will use your vulnerabilities to their own advantage.

It’s long distance so you can simply state you busy with xyz, reduce contact and then tell him you dont want to be in a relationship and want to focus on your life/career. That you value him as a friend. And phase him out after that, slowly if needed as i think it’s needed here as he makes you feel a bit fearful, probably for good reason.

Two broken people won’t heal each other. You need to work on your own issues then you can find a person who matches your new energy. Not someone who calls you a “monster”.

He’s showing you who he is. I suggest you start listening

He’s a white supremacist. That is extreme and psychopath territory.

Well, it won’t. He’s godawful. Move on, and raise your bar. Don’t date a racist.

Stop trying to analyse him. Stop trying to understand him.

Just dump him.

You are not in a relationship. I have acquaintances I've met more times than you've met him. I'm a Christian and before DH & I got married we did a marriage course. I think week 1 was "Don't marry each other thinking you'll change them. Only marry if you want to live with the person they are now." It's good advice. You don't want to be with him. You want to be with the bits of him you like, but there's a whole group of things you can't agree on. It won't work.

so it felt like two broken people found each other and will heal each other
so the man who calls you a monster, who insults you, and who is obsessed with things like preserving the white race…this is the man that’s going to heal you? He doesn’t sound very focused on healing so far?

RUN

I'd run a mile from a man like that.

Why are you with him? Like seriously? There are billions of men. Lots who aren’t racist or misogynist. He sounds on the edge of neo nazi

Please find a therapist and end this crazy merry go round.

This is the real him. And this is how he will treat you if you ever take it to the next stage. He is morally corrupt and will turn out to be very abusive. You had an abusive childhood and are struggling to see what a normal, loving relationship could be.

Sorry but your post got worse and worse as I kept reading. I’d say those are pretty massive fundamental differences. He sounds awful. Get rid.

It isn't just politics with him though is it? You don't want children he does etc etc How often do you actually spend time with him in person because you said it was a long distance relationship.

That's exactly why he picked you.

His posts on social media reflect who he is and his beliefs and telling you that you have demons inside of you because you believe in pro choice is abusive and how he will gas light you in the future. He seems like he wants to help you recover but abusers like vulnerable people they can destroy. The nice man he portrays to be at times is an act to hook you in and make you dependent on him but you’ve seen who he really is by what he says when you disagree and he shows his true self. As time goes by he will become more and more nasty and you will be desperate to conform in the hope he will treat you better and show his nice side again. As his nice side is just an act you will be come to the conclusion he’s changed because of you, that you are the problem. It wont be because of you though and never will be it will be because he is an abusive detestable human being.

I'm struggling to see what the dilemma is here? You aren't even in the same country, just stop talking to him?

Please leave him. This is all so concerning. Do not stay with a man who doesn’t believe that your rights are equal to his .

You don’t need to have identical views but I think yours are too different.
We don’t agree on everything but I try to adjust myself and our life to align/ allow him to live as he wishes.
Key is that we have interest in and respect other’s opinion.

You want it to work, but it isn’t. Don’t marry this man.

You had an abusive childhood which you may have PTSD which impacts your mental health, that’s what you need to concentrate on. You need to work on loving and validating yourself and realising that you are enough. Love isn’t tying yourself up in knots to be accepted because you are lovable as you are. You need to protect yourself from abusive people and stay away from the harm they dish out. Abusers have something wrong in them and like to squash and destroy other people and leave the victims feeling like they are the ones who are flawed, unlovable and unworthy. You have to heal and reclaim your worth, being vulnerable doesn’t make you deserve being treated like crap it’s just you are easier to break for those that seek to destroy other’s.

Same.

Even without everything else, the fact that you have different views on wanting kids and abortion is enough to not work as a partnership.

do not “settle” for this guy. you can do better. hes not the one.

because of your childhood and loneliness etc youre trying to look past what ate honestly quite big failings.

you have been in a long distance rekationship for two years. youve barely seen each other in real life yet youre still fighting? that doesnt bode well.

make more friends. join clubs or associations. get to theGP and get medicated and arrange counselling to unpick your past.

you can do this. you dont need him. you need to dump him.

But he's not a different person, it's all him. He IS that racist, sexist scumbag. And he wants x very different life to you.

Run, now.