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I think my partners belifes are affecting my feeling for him

139 replies

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 09:32

Hello, its my first time posting anywhere and I hope this would be a right place. I'm sorry in advance for any mistakes; English is not my first language.

I'm 26 years old woman, my parter is 30 years old male. We are from different countries and are currently long distance but we've been in a relationship for 2 years now. We are of two different political sides, im more left leaning he is more right leaning. I'm an atheist and he was never really religious but recently he said he is finding comfort in God and is becoming more of a agnostic/starting beliving person. I'm a child-free person while he said he would like to be a father but its never explicitly been said that he wants to have kids. I'm pro-choice and he is only okay with abortion is extreame cases. As you can see our political views does not align in a lot of ways. I could spend even more time pointing out the differences. When we are together and not talking about anything politics/religion related we are the happiest couple ever. We had some minor disagreements on some unrelated topics but they ususally get resolved quick anda are mostly misunderstandings.When it comes to the other topics however, things get very bad very quick. Full blown fights, insults, threatenings of breakup or even actual short break ups, we had 3... Honetsly, every fights its getting more exhausting. We alwasy come back to the good time util another political issue is being brought up. Recently he's been very vocal about preserving white race, he is a big beliver of a replacment theory. After some relatively peaceful conversation, I came to an understanding he wants more white children to be born, more people to become more religious and more people to become conservative. All which im not. I'm not religious, dont want to ever become reigiou and carry some trauma regarding this. I dont want to have any children, dont want to be pregnant and the idea of even an accident terrifies me, I'm also not good with kids and not a kid person. I'm not consrvative and wont become one either... After seeing some of his instagram repost recently, I'm starting to get suspicious he is getting more and more alt right, saw some post that comments carried a lot of misogynistic takes, like how women should have their voting rights removed, full with racism and anti LGBTQ takes, the posts themselves are never of the severty or content that comments carry but the vids are often milder takes of them. After seeing a lot of that it feels like something changed and broke inside me. I'm terrified he might wnat to convert me during our relationship, maybe make me have kids, it is all gotitng to the point I rn feelemotionally numb, I dont want to have intimacy, I dont want to hang out but I'm too scared to talk about any of my concerns. I dont know what to do. He never outright said any of the things, he supposedly doesnt belive in taking away voting rights or anything like that but the fear is juts lingering. Is there a possibilty im overthingking everything or should we sit down for an actual conversation with risk of a big fight or breakup? Our relationship was always amazing outside of that, he healed a lot of parts of me as well as I helped him, I want him in my life. Exept it feels like i want the nonpolitical part and not full package. From his perspective he says my beliefs are not important to him that they are nto matiching cuz im more than my beliefs, Is it really possible to be able to seperate a person like that? I'm lost...

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 21/09/2026 10:06

You're not ready for a relationship. You're too anxious and eager to please, and prepared to put up with unreasonable shit. You're young, time to move on, end it and mean it.

CelticSilver · 21/09/2026 10:07

Have you ever actually met in person?

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:07

Itsasecretnow · 21/09/2026 10:02

But it goes beyond just simple politics. The man is a misogynist, he’s racist, he’s homophobic…he has no tolerance for anyone not like him. He is actively hateful. He has no respect for women - he wants women to lose the vote ffs! He’s not “just” racist, he’s “white power”. These views are actively harmful! If you choose to be with him it will only get worse, think about moving in together, getting married, living together all the time. At the moment it’s long distance and so he can hide a lot of who he is when you’re together right now. But all of this would be unbearable if you were living together. Believe me, he’s showing you his “best” side when you’re o my spending limited amounts of time together, but that will change if you live together. A misogynist does not have respect for women - any woman - and he won’t have respect for you either, once he’s got you where he wants you and he will grind you down. You won’t be able to associate with any of the people he sees as beneath him. You have seen his true colours in his views, and the fact that he even talks about all his hatred with pride shows entirely how bad he is! You sound determined to only see the good bits, before you know it there will be no good bits. That’s your choice. You know what he is and if you continue you are opening your life and future to be full of this stuff all day, every day, and his treatment of you will become abusive.

He says he is not white power person cuz he doesnt belive any race should be superios, he belivses race supremacy is bad... he also never said woment should lose their voting rights or lgbt people should loose their either ... its all completly confusing to me a lot of the tiems. i dont know why it is as if he is two different people

OP posts:
ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:09

CelticSilver · 21/09/2026 10:07

Have you ever actually met in person?

We were visiting each other, he was in my country 2 times and i was in his once, we are not good enough financially for either of us visiting more often or to move togetehr yet. When we were together during viists we never fought, it was always most peaceful and calming and happy times i experienced...

OP posts:
Itsasecretnow · 21/09/2026 10:10

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 09:57

Everytime I felt like I want to break up cuz of his views (he is not against gay/lesbians marrying but doenst want them to adeopt kids, he is not anti mixed race marriges but also things people should make sure tehre are still racial distinct bababie sbeing born, he doesnt want to ban all abortion but thinks its a murder, there are a lot of these) he always brings up the argument he things a lot of my views are too extreame and differet from his, how he doesnt agree with them and yet he keeps loving me cuz im more than my views adn he doesnt need them to alignt to love me. Its my first relationship, the first tiem anyone ever loved me, I want it to work...

This is your first relationship. This makes it even more worrying I’m afraid. He knows you have no previous experiences of what a good - or any - relationship looks like. You keep defending him and his views, but you must know it’s bad to have posted on here? Why do that if you will only defend his behaviour and not take notice of all the risks most on here are telling you? You sound as though you’re not bothered by his views, but you posted asking about them, yet you’re not (yet) taking on board any of the advice on here, you’re only replying to tell us of his “good points”. You are in for a life of unhappiness if you continue with this relationship. You replied to my comment about not being worried about him messing with contraception, his views are becoming increasingly more vile and radical, so you have no idea what he will do in the future. Do you want your children to be the same as him, hold his vile views? To watch a relationship where he has no respect for you as a woman, because I’m afraid that is how he feels if he wants to stop women having a vote! You need to see how that in itself is a giant red flag flapping right in your face and you’re ignoring it.

Catza · 21/09/2026 10:11

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:04

everytime we broke up we got togetehr bcos of me, i practically begged him to come back and he alwasy said he was ready to let me go and find someoen better for me... am i a toxic one here that keeps us both locked in this situattion?

No, but the fact that you are the one begging him to come back supports what I was saying above. You are emotionally dependent on him and will have a hard time leaving him and accepting that his behaviour towards you and others is unacceptable. He set you up perfectly for a willing participant in an abusive relationship. Get out of this now and get some therapy.

Happyjoe · 21/09/2026 10:13

You say it's long distance at the moment? I recommend keeping it that way now. He sounds horrible. He sounds like he is on awful places on the internet. He sounds racist, a bully, just nasty and likes the power he has over you.

Find someone who is more like you, kinder. Please don't waste your time.

ReadingTime · 21/09/2026 10:16

You sound extremely vulnerable, and if you feel like he’s the first person who ever loved you that’s a hard thing to walk away from. But you’re not compatible, his views are disgusting, and you’re giving him too much power over you. I’m worried he will start to use your insecurities against you if he’s not doing so already.

Split up with him, and do some work on yourself to strengthen your self belief and your ability to trust your instincts.

It’s not healthy to be in a relationship with someone who you disagree with fundamentally on so many issues. And that doesn’t mean you should override your beliefs to match his, or that he should lie to you about what he believes to get you to stay, which is what it sounds like he’s doing now. It means that you need to build your ability to weigh up whether someone is right for you, and then walk away when you decide, based on the evidence, that he’s not.

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:16

Itsasecretnow · 21/09/2026 10:10

This is your first relationship. This makes it even more worrying I’m afraid. He knows you have no previous experiences of what a good - or any - relationship looks like. You keep defending him and his views, but you must know it’s bad to have posted on here? Why do that if you will only defend his behaviour and not take notice of all the risks most on here are telling you? You sound as though you’re not bothered by his views, but you posted asking about them, yet you’re not (yet) taking on board any of the advice on here, you’re only replying to tell us of his “good points”. You are in for a life of unhappiness if you continue with this relationship. You replied to my comment about not being worried about him messing with contraception, his views are becoming increasingly more vile and radical, so you have no idea what he will do in the future. Do you want your children to be the same as him, hold his vile views? To watch a relationship where he has no respect for you as a woman, because I’m afraid that is how he feels if he wants to stop women having a vote! You need to see how that in itself is a giant red flag flapping right in your face and you’re ignoring it.

I think im too scared to be alone or maybe it me who actually thing i could change him. He used to think women are overreacting the fear we have for stranger men and we fought about i ttoo but with time and lots of talks with me he actualy changed his views. I think I love the good side of him too much that I actually want to stay and change him... I wnat him to see his views are wrong...

OP posts:
Happyjoe · 21/09/2026 10:19

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:09

We were visiting each other, he was in my country 2 times and i was in his once, we are not good enough financially for either of us visiting more often or to move togetehr yet. When we were together during viists we never fought, it was always most peaceful and calming and happy times i experienced...

You've seen each other 3 times in 2 years? You're not really in a relationship.
Have the strength to move on. Block! And get out there and meet some nicer people who live local, go have some fun.
Relationships shouldn't be about this, the anxiety, the begging, the feeling wrong footed, you relying on him for, well, not sure why really. Please, live your life and you will see that this isn't what a healthy relationship looks like and I daresay your mental health and confidence will be much better without him.

SpottyAlpaca · 21/09/2026 10:23

Me & my DP don’t agree on many political issues. I’m centre-left on most issues, He’s a traditional Thatcherite Conservative. But we both fully respect each other’s views and agree to differ where we disagree.

It’s about basic respect for the other person and it’s non/negotiable.

OP your boyfriend is a dickhead who doesn’t respect you or any other woman. Dump him & find someone else who respects you even when you disagree.

Itsasecretnow · 21/09/2026 10:24

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:07

He says he is not white power person cuz he doesnt belive any race should be superios, he belivses race supremacy is bad... he also never said woment should lose their voting rights or lgbt people should loose their either ... its all completly confusing to me a lot of the tiems. i dont know why it is as if he is two different people

“I’m not racist, but…”
”I’m not homophobic, but…”
”I’m not anti women’s rights, but…”
Sorry, that’s all I’m seeing here.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2026 10:26

Love your own self for a change and get therapy.

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship and this is no relationship at all. He saw a young and vulnerable person in you and targeted you deliberately to abuse you. He will be your undoing if you do not break up with him.

Itsasecretnow · 21/09/2026 10:27

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:16

I think im too scared to be alone or maybe it me who actually thing i could change him. He used to think women are overreacting the fear we have for stranger men and we fought about i ttoo but with time and lots of talks with me he actualy changed his views. I think I love the good side of him too much that I actually want to stay and change him... I wnat him to see his views are wrong...

Bloody hell, the fact he had these opinions in the first place is really worrying! You’ve barely spent any time with him, of course he could make you think you have changed his mind on this is very easy for him. I’m sorry he is a hateful misogynist, and everytime you say something about his views on women just makes him seem worse and worse, if that’s even possible.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2026 10:28

And what is so awful about being alone: you are very much alone anyway with him even on the rare occasions you actually meet. Better to be on your own than to be this badly accompanied.

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:33

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2026 10:28

And what is so awful about being alone: you are very much alone anyway with him even on the rare occasions you actually meet. Better to be on your own than to be this badly accompanied.

I want to be loved... I come from a very abusive househhold, I was abandoned by my supposed ffriends when my mental health failed and pushed me to self-harm. No one was ever romantically interested in me, except a very creepy guy who has also fuelled my fear of men and strangers... he was the first person who ever loved me for me... i dont want to be back in this lonelies and isolation. he helped me build my confidence and new friendships. Hes basically all i have

OP posts:
sherbetlemonade · 21/09/2026 10:44

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:04

everytime we broke up we got togetehr bcos of me, i practically begged him to come back and he alwasy said he was ready to let me go and find someoen better for me... am i a toxic one here that keeps us both locked in this situattion?

You are not the toxic one, he is. You are bonded to him through trauma and are desperately clinging on to the 'nice' bits so hard, you are accepting the terrible. This is a seriously bad relationship for you, and your mental health is being seriously affected by him.

Please end this relationship before he destroys you completely.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/09/2026 11:04

He is merely the latest in a line of abusive men you have come across. Your boundaries, skewed as they are already by previous abuse, are being further demolished by this man now. He has your underlying anxiety and depressed state and used that against you for his own ends.

Catza · 21/09/2026 11:05

ChromaticSeal · 21/09/2026 10:33

I want to be loved... I come from a very abusive househhold, I was abandoned by my supposed ffriends when my mental health failed and pushed me to self-harm. No one was ever romantically interested in me, except a very creepy guy who has also fuelled my fear of men and strangers... he was the first person who ever loved me for me... i dont want to be back in this lonelies and isolation. he helped me build my confidence and new friendships. Hes basically all i have

Your only saving grace here is that you live in different countries. Which limits his influence on you.
Ultimately, nobody can tell you what to do but it is abundantly clear to everyone on here that you are exhibiting all the thought patterns of a woman who is a prime target for domestic violence.
If you don't want to end this relationship, I urge you at the very least to invest in some therapy. And save this thread, you will need to re-read it in a few years.

CaptainMyCaptain · 21/09/2026 11:07

cartagenagina · 21/09/2026 09:37

He sounds absolutely horrendous to me. I can’t imagine why anyone would be interested in a relationship with him.

Do yourself a favour and finish it.

I agree. I couldn't live with someone like that. You are still young and there are much better men out there.

BlueDillieDillie · 21/09/2026 11:15

I am right wing, in that I support some right wing policies, I am pro choice but I seriously dislike the casual attitude that makes abortion seem like a contraceptive choice.
However his white race nonsense is unsupportable. You should both look elsewhere because neither will change enough to find the other acceptable. Political opinions usually harden as we age. You know what you need to do.

BananaWhip · 21/09/2026 11:26

You need to get help and work on yourself. Stop getting involved with men with these views.

Electricsausages · 21/09/2026 11:30

Chuck him back

GiveOverRover · 21/09/2026 11:41

He's basically all you have... I would like to challenge that belief. You are currently trying to shoehorn a man, who you are completely incompatible with, who you have met just three times, into the position of being responsible for your present and future happiness, despite the fact that he has many aspects of his personality that you do not like.

That is never going to end well for you. If you put anyone in that position, it's going to fail. It's not sustainable, it wouldn't be, even if you didn't have a moments hesitation ever that you were a perfect match.

Let this go. Drop it. Turn your attention to healing from your childhood and past experiences and building a life that you love before you contemplate bringing a man into it. You are not a rescue puppy in a shelter that has to jump on the first man that shows an interest and be forever grateful.

moderate · 21/09/2026 12:19

It sounds to me like you are quite vulnerable and you should leave this relationship before you get even more attached and he gets even more misogynistic.