Should I cancel the wedding over my partner’s drinking and behaviour?

[Crossroads26]

Hi guys
first time user.
im really really struggling right now in my relationship. We’ve been together 11 years and have a child together. Throughout the entire relationship there has been issues around alcohol use on my partners side. He doesn’t drink everyday but when he does drink he drinks excessively. Often times his mood will go from happy to depressed and then he becomes verbally abusive towards me (usually started by me commenting that his mood is up and down and I think I do this partly because I’m on edge waiting for it to happen) I absolutely hate being around him when he’s drunk. He’s either really really irritating, overly loud or generally harasses me despite me asking him to leave me alone. Then the awful part where he becomes verbally abusive or argumentative. I’ve told him so many times over the years my feelings around this. He either doesn’t respond and acts like nothing has happened. Denies that he was abusive or very very rarely apologises, says he’s ashamed and then it will ok for a month until the next time. I’ve been called vile names, been criticised and once been shoved.
we recently went on a family holiday with friends. Day one of the holiday he became drunk and accused me of upsetting our child (our child was tired from travelling) I told him twice I hadn’t upset our child, he kept on and spoke to me with such venom and told me he was sticking up “for his child” this was done in a crowded dinner hall. I walked away to diffuse the situation but ended up in tears. The next day I tried to talk about it and he brushed over it and still stuck to the fact he was sticking up for his child and refused to apologise. He still hasn’t apologised. During the same holiday he became so drunk and loud at the pool during the day that I started to feel embarrassed and anxious. He was knocking drinks back one after the other and eventually urinated on himself twice and laughed about it. I’m so disgusted and I genuinely dont think I can get past this. I’m so emotionally drained and I’m so sick of living my life this way every time he’s had a drink. We have zero communication, I feel he is emotionally immature. I’m very rarely interested in intimacy.
He also gropes me a lot despite me telling him to stop and he laughs it off and says he will never stop. I’m not even sure what answer I’m looking for, Im just so lost right now and I feel totally trapped. We are due to get married next year and I really don’t think I can go through with it. But I’m so afraid to sit down with him and tell him this

You need to report all this to the police and women’s aid. For your safety and your child’s

If he is an alcoholic any drink is too much. But he has to realise that, you cannot help him.

He also gropes me a lot despite me telling him to stop and he laughs it off and says he will never stop

Other than living with a bully in other ways, this is sexual assault OP.

I wouldn't count on him stopping there either - he's already callous or desensitised to what you feel about this, and I don't think he's that far in escalating in future.

Words are all a woman has. If a man doesn't respect them in this regard, then you're not safe with him.

Don't tie yourself to such a person.

Good luck

You’re making perfect sense. I’m sure many people have tried to put up with things and then reached their limit! It’s natural to try to make it work, or forgive occasional bad behaviour. It’s a slow process sometimes, to see things clearly!

How did it go when he got in? But also you don’t need him to do anything else to justify your decision: the damage has been done. Over years and multiple incidents, it sounds like.

You certainly can’t marry someone you’re repulsed by. Imagine the freedom and relief of not living with him!

Rather than making a snide and shitty comment to someone who's facing an incredibly difficult situation, maybe you could instead try being supportive and kind. Just a thought.

Because it is very clear that the kind and supportive messages unfortunately won’t be followed. It’s a tragedy but the Op has sucked this up for 11!years so…

Thankyou, I can confirm the wedding is in fact not going ahead.
I tried to speak to him earlier. Was met with complete denial and anger…and I’ve told him I cannot go ahead

The he pays her back or we both pay her back.
I wasn’t using an excuse. I am clearly in an abusive relationship which often leaves you feeling afraid to speak your feelings- clearly evidenced by his reaction tonight when I told him I will not marry him. Thankyou for your compassion.

When is the wedding? Have you told guests? What’s his mother said who paid for the venue?

Who will move out?

Tomorrow you need to contact a solicitor

Fucking hell, stop barking at the OP.

The finer details are none of your business.

Calm down
two posts
🤷‍♀️

Don't be barking at me either.

It's. None. Of. Your. Business.

Put down the wine you’re getting very lairy

ok, I’ll leave the Op to it. Only she really knows whether this wedding has actually been called off or not

OP, well done. Very brave.
His mother decided to pay, unasked.
More bullying of you.
Her son is a drunken abusive pig.
You owe her nothing.
Offer her nothing.

Please tell family and friends the truth.
The sexual assaults are a police matter if you choose as is the shove.

If he gets aggressive again, please ring the police immediately.

He's suchba bad man.

Well done. A really hard situation for you. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong.

What the actual fuck. Find your self respect and the respect your child deserves.

Well done on taking that difficult step, OP. How are you feeling now? Are you safe? Please look after yourself and your DC, put your needs first.

You need to leave the annoying immature prick

Please do not marry that piece of ….! I have just walked away from a very similar situation. It won’t get better. Get your ducks in a row and use wedding funds to get away from him. It won’t be easy, but you’ll look back and say “no one will ever humiliate and degrade me again” . Those words will motivate you. I was done with being called a retard and that my mind is too small. You are more than someone’s emotional punching bag.

Well done op 👏

You’re just going to have to bite the bullet and tell him you don’t want to marry him - ever! Better to do it now than go through with it and then have the stress of divorce. I promise you this won’t get better. I’m going through divorce at the moment. My STBXH is a functioning alcoholic, but is in total denial about it. He will defend his drinking to the hilt. Amongst other things, it is a huge reason I’m divorcing him. He used to sit at the dinner table on a Sunday afternoon eating his Sunday with TWO, yes TWO drinks. A can of lager and a large glass of red wine. Drinking them both together. And he’d be pissed as a fart. My daughter was only 15 at the time and thought he was hilarious, but she doesn’t anymore. So yeah, you seriously need to have the chat with him but make sure he is completely sober. And DO NOT listen to him when he says he will change. They won’t, they can’t. My husband once tried to do dry January, he lasted 6 days. His words were, “it’s no good I’ve gotta have a drink!” Have you got a supportive family around you OP?

You're doing the right thing and please, please don't let him talk you round with claims to have see the light and promises of change. As for you paying back half the venue - just no! The fact this wedding isn't going ahead is 100 percent on him. There's no reason you should be out by a single penny. You're going to have a child to support as a single parent. This is between him and his mum.