Should I cancel the wedding over my partner’s drinking and behaviour?

[Crossroads26]

Hi guys
first time user.
im really really struggling right now in my relationship. We’ve been together 11 years and have a child together. Throughout the entire relationship there has been issues around alcohol use on my partners side. He doesn’t drink everyday but when he does drink he drinks excessively. Often times his mood will go from happy to depressed and then he becomes verbally abusive towards me (usually started by me commenting that his mood is up and down and I think I do this partly because I’m on edge waiting for it to happen) I absolutely hate being around him when he’s drunk. He’s either really really irritating, overly loud or generally harasses me despite me asking him to leave me alone. Then the awful part where he becomes verbally abusive or argumentative. I’ve told him so many times over the years my feelings around this. He either doesn’t respond and acts like nothing has happened. Denies that he was abusive or very very rarely apologises, says he’s ashamed and then it will ok for a month until the next time. I’ve been called vile names, been criticised and once been shoved.
we recently went on a family holiday with friends. Day one of the holiday he became drunk and accused me of upsetting our child (our child was tired from travelling) I told him twice I hadn’t upset our child, he kept on and spoke to me with such venom and told me he was sticking up “for his child” this was done in a crowded dinner hall. I walked away to diffuse the situation but ended up in tears. The next day I tried to talk about it and he brushed over it and still stuck to the fact he was sticking up for his child and refused to apologise. He still hasn’t apologised. During the same holiday he became so drunk and loud at the pool during the day that I started to feel embarrassed and anxious. He was knocking drinks back one after the other and eventually urinated on himself twice and laughed about it. I’m so disgusted and I genuinely dont think I can get past this. I’m so emotionally drained and I’m so sick of living my life this way every time he’s had a drink. We have zero communication, I feel he is emotionally immature. I’m very rarely interested in intimacy.
He also gropes me a lot despite me telling him to stop and he laughs it off and says he will never stop. I’m not even sure what answer I’m looking for, Im just so lost right now and I feel totally trapped. We are due to get married next year and I really don’t think I can go through with it. But I’m so afraid to sit down with him and tell him this

OP, please contact them to see can you get him off the tenancy because of his verbal and sexual abuse of you and his emotional abuse of his child.

Your child is witnessing his drunken abuse of you, THAT is emotional abuse of them.

Language is very important, so use it, name the behaviour.

Name his drunken antics.
Name his drunken behaviour towards you.
Name his sexual assaults on you.
Name clearly the behaviour your child witnesses.

Spell out clearly that you have cancelled your wedding due to his abuse of you and his child, and that you want him out.

Spell out you want him off the joint tenancy and out of the house due to years of domestic abuse.

You can do this.

So no assets to split and he’s presumably not a high earner?

This at least will make splitting up a little
more straightforward.

any debts? How’s things at home at the moment? The atmosphere must be very tensen

“I don’t like the person you become when you’re drinking, and I can’t marry a man I don’t like, so unless you stop drinking I cannot marry you” is really all there is to be said.

i sympathise with your plight I’ve been in your shoes although not as bad, mine stopped drinking and I can’t believe how much less stressful things are as a result. Sending love xx

Thankyou! Hit the nail on the head completely!
going through a wave of emotions right now. Questioning myself if I’m out of order for bringing this when it happened two weeks ago and hasn’t happened since (other than him going out at 8am Saturday and not returning until 2am Sunday morning! Didn’t have a chance to be abusive as he slept downstairs- probably because he couldn’t make it up the stairs lol)

Will he be sleeping with you tonight?

So because I’ve been with him for 11 years that means I will never leave him? I’m not sure why you are so combative. If you can’t offer constructive advice please just get off of this post.

It’s clearly a troll. Or possibly my mother in law 🤣

No assets to split.
he is a relatively good earner, no debts.
He is behaving like nothing has happened, I haven’t spoken to him at all and we are in separate rooms. I am taking it day by day as getting logistics sorted

Ok so at least with zero assets (not surprised given how you describe him) there won’t be any wrangling.

Ensure you go through CMS with this prince

😂😂😂

OK well in that case you really need to contact your local women's aid or equivalent organisation for advice about his abuse.

Check also the HA's policies on tenancy changes and on domestic abuse. They might not simply agree to changing it from a joint to a sole tenancy, especially without his agreement.

In the short term you may be able to get an occupation order, but you would need evidence of the abuse so you need to report it to women's aid or similar.

In the longer term you may need to apply to the court for a transfer of tenancy. There's helpful info in this guide: https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law-information/a-guide-to-applying-for-a-transfer-of-tenancy/

If you were married (rather than cohabiting) you would also need to get a divorce in addition to all of the above. So it's good you have not married him yet.

As a first step you could consider contacting your local citizen's advice to see if they can suggest any local law clinics or solicitors offering free initial advice. Otherwise Rights of Women has a free family law helpline.

Best of luck.

You are one strong Mama!!! 💪 Keep on keeping on! x

Run for the hills

The one positives about having no assets and
no property as a couple with a child is that splitting up could theoretically cost nothing and be incredibly swift. First things first - sort the tenancy

I wouldn't pay anything back. It's between him, the venue and his mother now.
She likely hoped that having it paid for would make it more likely to go ahead . She took that on. You didn't ask, and it's her son that's an abusive drunk so no-one who gives a shit about you would expect you to go through with it. Please remember that.
You have zero to feel guilty for.

If the wedding is not until next year ago she’d have put down a desposit only - so won’t be much and he can bs k it back

every penny counts now @Crossroads26

We paid the deposit which is non refundable and she paid the rest of the venue. Thankfully she was refunded last night so that’s one weight off my shoulders

Have you been in touch with the council? The atmosphere must be dreadful?

Is his family who all know now bombarding you with the messages for info?

Rent our home and we are both on the tenancy

Have you been in touch with the HA?

OP, you're being very brave. I think you need to be prepared for the fact that you will have to move ot. I will put money on him being in denial this relationship is over and he will make it hard. Your best bet is to leave as soon as possible.

What options do you hvae for finding a new place to rent?

Ignore this irresponsible advice. It would be a bad idea to leave a housing association property unless you have no other option (ie at risk from him and not able to get an occupation order which would force him to move out).

Housing association property is significantly more affordable than private rental and is hard to get in most of the country.

Have you managed to make any practical progress in terms of ending this @Crossroads26 ? Housing association?

Absolutely not. I’ve slept on the sofa since last week. He tried to say to me this morning to nudge him when I want to go to sleep and he will sleep on the sofa. I’m not doing that. I’m quietly biding my time until asking him to leave. He will probably not drink now just to prove his point that he doesn’t have a problem 🙄