Should I cancel the wedding over my partner’s drinking and behaviour?

[Crossroads26]

Hi guys
first time user.
im really really struggling right now in my relationship. We’ve been together 11 years and have a child together. Throughout the entire relationship there has been issues around alcohol use on my partners side. He doesn’t drink everyday but when he does drink he drinks excessively. Often times his mood will go from happy to depressed and then he becomes verbally abusive towards me (usually started by me commenting that his mood is up and down and I think I do this partly because I’m on edge waiting for it to happen) I absolutely hate being around him when he’s drunk. He’s either really really irritating, overly loud or generally harasses me despite me asking him to leave me alone. Then the awful part where he becomes verbally abusive or argumentative. I’ve told him so many times over the years my feelings around this. He either doesn’t respond and acts like nothing has happened. Denies that he was abusive or very very rarely apologises, says he’s ashamed and then it will ok for a month until the next time. I’ve been called vile names, been criticised and once been shoved.
we recently went on a family holiday with friends. Day one of the holiday he became drunk and accused me of upsetting our child (our child was tired from travelling) I told him twice I hadn’t upset our child, he kept on and spoke to me with such venom and told me he was sticking up “for his child” this was done in a crowded dinner hall. I walked away to diffuse the situation but ended up in tears. The next day I tried to talk about it and he brushed over it and still stuck to the fact he was sticking up for his child and refused to apologise. He still hasn’t apologised. During the same holiday he became so drunk and loud at the pool during the day that I started to feel embarrassed and anxious. He was knocking drinks back one after the other and eventually urinated on himself twice and laughed about it. I’m so disgusted and I genuinely dont think I can get past this. I’m so emotionally drained and I’m so sick of living my life this way every time he’s had a drink. We have zero communication, I feel he is emotionally immature. I’m very rarely interested in intimacy.
He also gropes me a lot despite me telling him to stop and he laughs it off and says he will never stop. I’m not even sure what answer I’m looking for, Im just so lost right now and I feel totally trapped. We are due to get married next year and I really don’t think I can go through with it. But I’m so afraid to sit down with him and tell him this

When i joined AA one of the 25 year sober men said that to him alcoholics come in all flavours but the only guarantee that they all had in common was that their drinking had a negative effect on those around them - their partner, parents, children.

Most alcoholics don’t drink in the morning or at work. Some do. But many are binge alcoholics who then do things like your husband.

It why we don’t use the term alcoholic really anymore. It’s alcohol use disorder now.

Not sure if your child is a boy or a girl but how would you feel if your adult daughter was treated like this because she saw it as normal, or your son grew up to be an alcoholic sex pest? I wouldn’t marry him and furthermore I’d be getting my ducks in a row before ending the relationship. You and your child deserve better.

Cancel the wedding. Leave. I say this has someone who did marry an alcoholic and we have two children. (And now divorcing). It will not get better.

I found al-anon incredibly helpful, do not accept unacceptable behaviour.

There's no universally agreed definition of "alcoholic" so I wouldn't get too hung up on that term. I think what's more useful is to reflect on just how much your relationship with him rises and falls on his alcohol consumption.

More importantly, he doesn't care that his drinking is causing so many problems. He knows when he drinks that there's a good chance he'll end up being a dick to you and others and he's content with that. Alcohol is more important to him than your happiness.

Thank you for the clarity. I suppose I make excuses because ‘it’s not all the time’ but you’re right, every single time he drinks it reflects me negatively. Whether that be in the form of being verbally abusive, or just being generally irritating and making a show of himself without any care about others around him. He’s been this way for 11 years and I’ve tried having a conversation with him about it many many times and not been met with any change at all. So I’m not expecting any change ever

I got in touch with them this morning. Thanks for your reply

Glad you cancelled. Now separate from him as he won’t change as it will affect your kid and you on all sorts of ways as this goes on.

Have you got a close friend in RL or a family member you can lean on?

don’t go down the road of trying to ‘help’ while you stay with him - your priority is you and your DC.

He can decide whether or not to work to address his problems, and your decisions about your relationship won’t determine what he does or doesn’t do.

Even when ‘dry’, some people with history of alcohol issues can be less than adequate partners.

So am I - we do! I will see if I can find you a link

Oh I see that someone has posted a link. I agree they are very helpful, we need support in our decision making as our alcoholic will try and make us feel as though we are the unreasonable ones! I managed to stand firm with this support. I realised that I was not the only one who had been in this position and I also realised how dangerous it was for the kids to be in this position. It is such a horrible position for you to be in - I promise it will only get better when you don’t have to be on eggshells waiting to see how he will be if he has a drink. I used to get triggered by hearing the sound of a can opening!

Yes

I am glad you cancelled the wedding. You need to end things with him and leave him. I know it won't be easy to do after 11 years together but you need to do this for you and your child's sake.

My feeling is as well that you mil paid quickly for the wedding reception as she wants to see him married as she knows what he is like.

His behaviour on this holiday has shown you what he is really like and being honest it not going to get better. He drinking will get worse and what happens if get caught drunk driving? What happens if he goes into work drunk? I know a man who fired from his job after turning up drunk and he was told previously this would happen if he came in drunk again.

He is now 41. I think if someone is binge drinking or eating poorly, not exercising and say is a few stone overweight that once they get into there 40's it gets worse and it can really start to effect them physically. It the time that health issues can start to happen like liver issues, problems with urine, diabetes, high blood pressure, not being able to get it up ect.
You don't want to be there when his physical or mental health starts to become a problem due to his drinking.

One of my friends was in your position years ago. She had 3 young kid's.
She realised that her and the kids deserved better than a man who only cared about drinking. She kicked him out and went on benefits for a while. She then did some courses and got a job.
Today she has a council house and a good job. Her kids are adults. They all have degrees and good jobs. They have very little to do with there father.
He is still drinking heavily. He is in and out of work. He lives on his own.
I don't think that her or her now adult children would be in there good positions now without her ending things with him.

It not just you it effecting but your child also and you both deserve better than being with a heavy drinker.

Bit difficult over a long period of time, but have you noticed an increase in the incidents, becoming more frequent or getting worse each time? This was my experience; it was the odd binge which just got more and more frequent over time. I also covered up for him which in hindsight, I wish I hadn't.

I did go to an Al-Anon meeting which I did find really helpful; not least that it gave me the determination not to end up like many of the poor souls in the group whose lives were focused around someone else's drinking. I started making my exit plan but the Universe had other ideas; I got the doctor in once and she told him he wouldn't make his sixties. He died a couple of months later and didn't make it out of his forties.

It's a lonely life but take heart, you're not on your own.

Just imagine what he's going to be like on your wedding day. That alone should be enough to make you cancel.

I can't think of one good reason for you to marry this man OP.

It will never get better, only worse. 💐

What an excellent phrase: “judge your relationship by its worst times”. Thank you for this. I’ve never heard anyone say this before but it’s so wise, and helpful.

You never really know someone until you see how they cope with difficulty. It’s also totally possible for very abusive relationships to have happy times.

OP it sounds like you’ve reached your limit, and you’re entirely reasonable to refuse to tolerate this behaviour. Your child shouldn’t have it normalised either.

It sounds like your DP has zero respect for you as well, and you don’t have to live like that.

I grew up as the child of functioning alcoholics, and the father of my child was a functioning alcoholic, although very luckily for me none of them got aggressive when drunk, just stupid/irritating, and ultimately alcohol came first on very many occasions. Even though I loved my parents dearly with hindsight I can see their weaknesses more clearly, and it is weird the way you can follow these destructive patterns into adulthood without even realising it. I do a little jig for joy every now and then as I have managed to build a life without an alcoholic in it. This will not change, so get out now to protect yourself and your child. It won’t be easy (it took me three years to get back on path after leaving my partner) but it will be worth it. Very good luck, I know how very hard it is.

Op, you've provided a really convincing argument not to marry him. In fact, why you should start planning to leave him. You'll be happier without him.
You are shrinking yourself around him, in order to accommodate him, for what? What are you actually getting in return?

you cannot talk to an alcoholic about their drinking or behaviour. Its useless. In the end i just thought, the only way i can change things is by removing him from my life.

Some posters are thinking you have cancelled the wedding… have you actually? Does he know yet?

I think I’m in such a confused state that this last episode happened 2 weeks ago and it’s hit me like a brick wall. Usually I would’ve just brushed it off until the next time but this is really sitting with me. I think sub consciously I’ve been getting to this snapping point and for some reason this isn’t going away. I’ve totally lost any respect for him and I’m actually repulsed. I don’t think I can get passed it this time. He’s out today for someone’s bday which means yet more drinking. I’m almost hoping he comes back and he’s a dick to actually prove the point to myself (even though I know deep down it’s gonna happen again for sure!) I’m prob not making any sense at all. I’m in a low state right now

Comple

Does he only grope you when drunk?

Can you confide in someone close?

Completely resonates. I’m going to watch Gemma Collins. My sis actually sent me a clip. It was like watching myself. Immediately saw her tense and choose her words carefully. Double hard for me when it’s me in those moments because I’m not a shrinking violet at alll! I’m very outspoken and I’m not quiet about it. Prob why the argument gets so bad. It’s just that the next day I don’t have the energy to continue it and it gets swept under the rug but obv after all these years my brain is like ENOUGH