Should I cancel the wedding over my partner’s drinking and behaviour?

[Crossroads26]

Hi guys
first time user.
im really really struggling right now in my relationship. We’ve been together 11 years and have a child together. Throughout the entire relationship there has been issues around alcohol use on my partners side. He doesn’t drink everyday but when he does drink he drinks excessively. Often times his mood will go from happy to depressed and then he becomes verbally abusive towards me (usually started by me commenting that his mood is up and down and I think I do this partly because I’m on edge waiting for it to happen) I absolutely hate being around him when he’s drunk. He’s either really really irritating, overly loud or generally harasses me despite me asking him to leave me alone. Then the awful part where he becomes verbally abusive or argumentative. I’ve told him so many times over the years my feelings around this. He either doesn’t respond and acts like nothing has happened. Denies that he was abusive or very very rarely apologises, says he’s ashamed and then it will ok for a month until the next time. I’ve been called vile names, been criticised and once been shoved.
we recently went on a family holiday with friends. Day one of the holiday he became drunk and accused me of upsetting our child (our child was tired from travelling) I told him twice I hadn’t upset our child, he kept on and spoke to me with such venom and told me he was sticking up “for his child” this was done in a crowded dinner hall. I walked away to diffuse the situation but ended up in tears. The next day I tried to talk about it and he brushed over it and still stuck to the fact he was sticking up for his child and refused to apologise. He still hasn’t apologised. During the same holiday he became so drunk and loud at the pool during the day that I started to feel embarrassed and anxious. He was knocking drinks back one after the other and eventually urinated on himself twice and laughed about it. I’m so disgusted and I genuinely dont think I can get past this. I’m so emotionally drained and I’m so sick of living my life this way every time he’s had a drink. We have zero communication, I feel he is emotionally immature. I’m very rarely interested in intimacy.
He also gropes me a lot despite me telling him to stop and he laughs it off and says he will never stop. I’m not even sure what answer I’m looking for, Im just so lost right now and I feel totally trapped. We are due to get married next year and I really don’t think I can go through with it. But I’m so afraid to sit down with him and tell him this

Op?

Worse thing- he doesn’t even hide it! He will openly leave empty beer cans, empty wine bottle on the side. I think he’s in total denial! To the point he doesn’t even feel the need to hide it because in his mind he doesn’t have a problem. He WANTS to drink and who am I to tell him not to- that’s his attitude. Another excuse I’ve heard after confronting him the next day with his abusive behaviour is “I just get a bee in my bonnet. I bottle things up and don’t say anything in the moment so something can piss me off in the day and I’ll have a drink and explode” and the cycle continues and continues

Really horrible for you.

One of my parents was an alcoholic. My other parent thought that we were shielded from it and as it wasn’t all day every day it was ok. It wasn’t. It’s had a lasting effect on all of us.

I’m not telling you this to make you feel bad, I’m telling you this because I remember trying to believe that things would get better, we were enough to make them change, they didn’t mean it etc.

Or he simply doesn’t give a flying fig what you think?

I grew up in this kind of household and it was terrible. I still suffer emotional scars from it now.

We’re also currently constantly hearing arguments through the wall of our terraced house with our neighbours where one is binge drinking and wetting the bed constantly. They’re having blazing rows and she’s forever threatening to call off their wedding. He promises her the world, stops drinking for a few days, then they’re back to square one and we’re heading the same old rows through the wall every night again. It’s depressing and horrible and no one should have to live around that especially not children.

If he’s not prepared to change then there’s nothing you can do other than get rid.

Not at all. According to him no one can tell him what to do. He isn’t an alcoholic and basically I over exaggerate

Totally agree. I think I find it difficult that it’s ’not all the time’ and things seem to be calm for a period until the next time…all I know is that when I drink (which is very rare) I don’t become combative or abusive so I know it’s not normal.
i also know my limit and never excessively drink

I have close friends that I’ve spoken to this last week. Also my younger sister. None of them said a whole lot but they obv said I need to make the decision for myself. One said I need to sit him down (I’ve already done this countless times to no avail- plus I also just don’t even want to hear it anymore. I think it’s too late)
my sister said she was shocked at the amount he drunk on holiday and also said I need to stop people pleasing and def don’t marry someone because the venue has been paid for. One friend was helpful because they reminded me how they left someone for the same reason and she cancelled her wedding a few months before she was due to get married

Omg....this is so true. My ex was exactly like that.

Definitely DON'T get married. In fact, time for him to go permanently. Then have a party.

Trying to talk to an alcoholic sbout their drinking is a waste of time. He does not want to know and besides which he is in denial.

People pleasing behaviour often comes about from
wanting to parent please: is that the case with you?. Were you always seeking approval from an emotionally absent parent?

A day spent with him is a day wasted. You need to end the relationship, let alone cancel the wedding.

The thing is, you have neither the legal nor moral right to insist that he stop drinking. He's an adult. He's doing what he wants to do. No matter how much better you think his life would be if he stopped drinking he doesn't have to agree. And he clearly doesn't.

So with that knowledge in mind your decision is whether your life with him as he is, excessive drinking included, is the life you want to be having. Or you can instead decide to walk away and leave him to his boozing.

No he gropes me when sober too! And fully laughs it off when I ask him up stop.
I haven’t cancelled the wedding yet, I’m waiting for the venue to send me the cancellation terms next week (they are away on holiday) he doesn’t know yet as I’ve bit has the strength to sit him down. He’s currently still out drinking celebrating a friends bday. He left at 8am this morning. Haven’t heard from him this entire time let alone to even ask his our child is…

@Crossroads26 So, what do you do if the cancellation terms are not good? Marry an abusive alcoholic? Subject your child to that type of life?

His mother paid the venue. It really has little to do with you, and the cancellation terms should not men anything at all.

It honestly sounds like you are using any excuse to postpone standing up for yourself or looking for a reason to just continue on the way things are.

I truly hope I am wrong.

I have close friends that I’ve spoken to this last week. Also my younger sister. None of them said a whole lot but they obv said I need to make the decision for myself.

and you told them what you have posted here? And this was their pathetic response? Are you being serious @Crossroads26 ?

OP trust me when I say this, the relief you will eventually feel when you get rid of him will be glorious. Please don’t waste any more time. There is a better, safer and happier life out there for your and your DC. Sending you lots of love and strength x

Please call women's aid. He gropes you when he's sober and laughs it off when you say stop so he's not just abusive when he's drunk. He has 'shoved' you, bring drunk is NOT an excuse. I suspect there's a lot more you've not said here and not told your friends and family. You said he earns well? Is much of that family money or does he have his own account/ plus savings for 'his' money to spend how he likes (all day benders at the weekend).

Please cancel the wedding. Even if it's not fully refundable - you can tell his mum why you're cancelling it. You must get away from this man. I hope you're on contraception. Sorry you're going through this.

My friend’s ex did that too. It’s sexually abusive.

Please think about your plan to be safe, if / when you leave.

The wedding venue have financial incentives to delay you cancelling. It’s shady if they didn’t share their terms and conditions when you booked and paid the deposit. If you booked it and paid and not DP you don’t need to tell him you’ve cancelled it right away, you can sort your safety plan first. If it’s your money on the line you’ll need it.

You can access the meetings online - wherever you are. Do one today then get help to get away from him. Do it for your child, if you don’t have the strength to do it for yourself at the moment.

Oh OP, he's an abusive alcoholic and a sex pest.

I can imagine you are repulsed.
Those people will have pitied you on the holiday.

He's scum.

Have you ever had sex with him under pressure?
That tends to go hand in hand with the behaviour you describe.

If you have that is Coercive Sex, which is RAPE.

This is a bad man.
Your poor child growing up around this.
Your child will likely grow up just like his father and repeat the pattern.

Please cancel the wedding and make plans to stay elsewhere.

If the house is shared, it needs selling if necessary.

Do it for your child who deserves so much better than this.

Do not fall for promises.

He doesn't like you or respect you.
Please seek Domestic abuse support from your local services and Women's aid.

You 100% are being abused as is your poor child.

Jeez this writes itself. Please do not marry this man.

We certainly do. One group meets in a location near me in my city (Liverpool).

I would very sadly bet a lot that this wedding
goes ahead