Should I cancel the wedding over my partner’s drinking and behaviour?

[Crossroads26]

Hi guys
first time user.
im really really struggling right now in my relationship. We’ve been together 11 years and have a child together. Throughout the entire relationship there has been issues around alcohol use on my partners side. He doesn’t drink everyday but when he does drink he drinks excessively. Often times his mood will go from happy to depressed and then he becomes verbally abusive towards me (usually started by me commenting that his mood is up and down and I think I do this partly because I’m on edge waiting for it to happen) I absolutely hate being around him when he’s drunk. He’s either really really irritating, overly loud or generally harasses me despite me asking him to leave me alone. Then the awful part where he becomes verbally abusive or argumentative. I’ve told him so many times over the years my feelings around this. He either doesn’t respond and acts like nothing has happened. Denies that he was abusive or very very rarely apologises, says he’s ashamed and then it will ok for a month until the next time. I’ve been called vile names, been criticised and once been shoved.
we recently went on a family holiday with friends. Day one of the holiday he became drunk and accused me of upsetting our child (our child was tired from travelling) I told him twice I hadn’t upset our child, he kept on and spoke to me with such venom and told me he was sticking up “for his child” this was done in a crowded dinner hall. I walked away to diffuse the situation but ended up in tears. The next day I tried to talk about it and he brushed over it and still stuck to the fact he was sticking up for his child and refused to apologise. He still hasn’t apologised. During the same holiday he became so drunk and loud at the pool during the day that I started to feel embarrassed and anxious. He was knocking drinks back one after the other and eventually urinated on himself twice and laughed about it. I’m so disgusted and I genuinely dont think I can get past this. I’m so emotionally drained and I’m so sick of living my life this way every time he’s had a drink. We have zero communication, I feel he is emotionally immature. I’m very rarely interested in intimacy.
He also gropes me a lot despite me telling him to stop and he laughs it off and says he will never stop. I’m not even sure what answer I’m looking for, Im just so lost right now and I feel totally trapped. We are due to get married next year and I really don’t think I can go through with it. But I’m so afraid to sit down with him and tell him this

Yes. I don't think there's anything else to say really.

There is a catalogue of reasons why you shouldn’t marry this man

we recently went on a family holiday with friends. Day one of the holiday he became drunk and accused me of upsetting our child (our child was tired from travelling) I told him twice I hadn’t upset our child, he kept on and spoke to me with such venom and told me he was sticking up “for his child” this was done in a crowded dinner hall. I walked away to diffuse the situation but ended up in tears. The next day I tried to talk about it and he brushed over it and still stuck to the fact he was sticking up for his child and refused to apologise. He still hasn’t apologised. During the same holiday he became so drunk and loud at the pool during the day that I started to feel embarrassed and anxious. He was knocking drinks back one after the other and eventually urinated on himself twice and laughed about it.

I don’t suppose your friends will ever want to holiday with him again. And your poor child

I wouldn’t want to marry him either, he sounds bloody awful. This won’t resolve itself, it’s who he is. In fact it will probably get worse. Is this what you want for you and your child?

You need to get away from him, never mind not getting married. I say this as someone who had two children with someone who ended up being an alcoholic. There is absolutely nothing to be gained by putting up with this.

I’ve only read half of your post and that was enough for me to question why you’re with him let alone consider marrying this vile man.

@Crossroads26 I’m so sorry you and your child are going through this. Can you phone Women’s Aid and get advice on how you can get out of your situation.

I would suggest going to Al Anon. Support is very useful in this situation.

I’m from the uk, I’m not sure we have al anon here

You poor soul. I think your DP has a drink problem. If he is ok when he isn’t drunk that’s one thing but if this is happening frequently it’s untenable. You can’t go on like this. Do you think he will respond to you and him having a grown up conversation when he’s sober? But if you feel that he will react badly then the answer is that this is the end of the road. Do you think you’re at risk if you ask me to leave? I’m terribly sorry for you!

Thank you, I think I’m going to call woman’s aid next week. I’m so confused, I’ve been in a coercive relationship before and feel stupid that I’m in another one. I think it’s only just become clear to me now that it’s abusive. I’ve made excuse after excuse for his behaviour because I started to question whether I was overreacting or I don’t take charge the moment it happens and then I feel I can’t address it at a later date. I’m so broken right now

Alcoholics Anonymous and yes we do.

I wouldn’t bother with any of that though, I’d boot his arse into kingdom come and never look back.

Raise your bar. Surely you’d rather be single?

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone like that let alone bring up a child with him. He might not drink everyday but he has alcohol issues but as he won’t ever discuss his abusive and excruciatingly embarrassing behaviour he certainly wont ever admit he has an alcohol problem. You have to either choose you and your daughter’s happiness and stability and leave him or stay and see him get increasingly worse each year.

Why do you need to? Are you dependent on him?

OP I think you know deep down what you need to do but because he has eroded who you are, and how you can behave around him, and how you may have altered yourself to fit around his drinking, and the aftermath of his drinking, you will feel uncertain in yourself and how you move forward. And possibly you may be thinking "what if I am wrong because when he is good, things are really good.

He knows he can behave like whatever because there is no consequence. You may say a few bits here and there, to understand what has happened, but the matter of fact is he does not care. And that is what you need to wake up to eventually, and that he will revert back to the good old guy you fell for in order to keep you, he knows how to manipulate the situation. But you need to see it too for what it is and stop doubting your own good judgement.

If you leave, remember he will sue every tactic in the book to reel you back in, with promises, good behaviour and more, but will you be able to unsee what you know? Do not marry him.

We have.

Did you grow up seeing a heavy drinking parent yourself?.

Do not marry this man. A life of misery will further await you and your child if you are foolish enough to marry him. You have a choice re this man and your child does not.

Make choices with you and your son in mind now: not your alcoholic fiance. The codependent relationship you have with him is over because his primary relationship is with drink, not you and it’s never been with you either. Alcoholism as well thrives on secrecy: time to bust this wide open.

How helpful and supportive are your family/friends here?. Have they ever expressed concern re your fiancés drinking?. Seek support too from Al-anon and rebuild your life without him in it day to day.

Of course you shouldn't marry this abusive twat.

Why do you want to marry him?

I mean, really, why is this a decision that needs outside input?

What is there about this man that makes you want to spend the rest of your life with him?

I think he has too. I’ve said this to him so many times too and he completely denies it. Says he just doesn’t know when he’s drank too much and he just gets ‘carried away’ . He’s 41 🤦🏻‍♀️

It is not unknown at all for people to go from one abusive relationship into another abusive one. Your boundaries here, already skewed by previous abuse, are being further eroded by this man now. Be on your own and do not date at all until your boundaries are a lot healthier. Enrol yourself on to the freedom programme and read Women who love too
much by Robin Norwood.

Thank you, I’ll look into this

I really recommend Smart Recovery Friends and Family, it really helped me when I was in a terrible place with alcoholic ex.

You and your child deserve better than this. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t change it. (I might have forgotten the exact phrase).

Also, take it from me and many other women that it’s much easier to split up from someone than to get divorced. Divorce is so expensive, drawn out and just awful.
Don’t marry someone who treats you like this. Please.

Does he manage to hold down a job??

What did your friends think on holiday? Or are they also lairy drunks?