Should I cancel the wedding over my partner’s drinking and behaviour?

[Crossroads26]

Hi guys
first time user.
im really really struggling right now in my relationship. We’ve been together 11 years and have a child together. Throughout the entire relationship there has been issues around alcohol use on my partners side. He doesn’t drink everyday but when he does drink he drinks excessively. Often times his mood will go from happy to depressed and then he becomes verbally abusive towards me (usually started by me commenting that his mood is up and down and I think I do this partly because I’m on edge waiting for it to happen) I absolutely hate being around him when he’s drunk. He’s either really really irritating, overly loud or generally harasses me despite me asking him to leave me alone. Then the awful part where he becomes verbally abusive or argumentative. I’ve told him so many times over the years my feelings around this. He either doesn’t respond and acts like nothing has happened. Denies that he was abusive or very very rarely apologises, says he’s ashamed and then it will ok for a month until the next time. I’ve been called vile names, been criticised and once been shoved.
we recently went on a family holiday with friends. Day one of the holiday he became drunk and accused me of upsetting our child (our child was tired from travelling) I told him twice I hadn’t upset our child, he kept on and spoke to me with such venom and told me he was sticking up “for his child” this was done in a crowded dinner hall. I walked away to diffuse the situation but ended up in tears. The next day I tried to talk about it and he brushed over it and still stuck to the fact he was sticking up for his child and refused to apologise. He still hasn’t apologised. During the same holiday he became so drunk and loud at the pool during the day that I started to feel embarrassed and anxious. He was knocking drinks back one after the other and eventually urinated on himself twice and laughed about it. I’m so disgusted and I genuinely dont think I can get past this. I’m so emotionally drained and I’m so sick of living my life this way every time he’s had a drink. We have zero communication, I feel he is emotionally immature. I’m very rarely interested in intimacy.
He also gropes me a lot despite me telling him to stop and he laughs it off and says he will never stop. I’m not even sure what answer I’m looking for, Im just so lost right now and I feel totally trapped. We are due to get married next year and I really don’t think I can go through with it. But I’m so afraid to sit down with him and tell him this

I grew up in a household with a functioning alcoholic. They are unpredictable, at any point they can become worse, get a DUI, become aggressive, lose their job and spiral downwards. You just don't know, I had to leave the home in the middle of the night.

Definitely don't get married. Think about an exit plan, including if you need to go in an emergency. Do you have money, transport and a place to stay if you need to leave. Drinkers don't usually improve on their own, only once they have sunk low enough to recognise they need some form of help.

Good luck, think about the best future for yourself and child.

I started to question whether I was overreacting or I don’t take charge the moment it happens and then I feel I can’t address it at a later date.

You can't take charge in the moment, because he is itching for the confrontation, and you will be feeling so relieved that he is back to himself afterwards that you feel powerless to bring it up, there is nothing you can do to change it, so try not to blame yourself.

I grew up with an alcoholic mum, she was the sweetest most lovely mum, until every night when she had had a drink and then she became a different person, quite subtle sometimes, but she always seemed unhappy with me when drinking, snappy, irritable, picking fights.. then next morning, like a ray of sunshine again, back to my lovely mum, she'd ask me what was wrong then I'd feel so guilty for being so angry with her. They never change because they don't know how awful it is to be on the receiving end of it.

Get out while you can, don't ever accept this life for your child.

For a long time I could not stand the sound of a drink being poured from a bottle, that fucking glug glug glug noise, even on tv adverts, and even now 30 years later there's a couple of people I know who become slightly combative when they have had a drink, that same head tilt and hard stare if they don't like something being said, I just can't be around them.

This was my ex to a T. He wasn’t an alcoholic in the sense that he drank from morning till night but if he had a drink it we all or nothing and it would be 5 nights a week. If he was happy, sad stressed, the weather was sunny, any excuse. And he’d become belligerent, I’d be on egg shells then I became the nag, cos he’d gaslight me this was normal & im overreacting, not helped by his enabling functions alcoholic parents. The non stop groping! Nothing turned me off more. He just gave me the ick. It was sexual harassment. Get out, it won’t change, I did 10 years with him and the resentment only got worse after we had a child. Also watch Gemma Collins new documentary/reality tv series. The behaviour she is dealing with really resonated with me. How on edge she was when her partner started drinking.

OP, you know you can't marry him. It would be a completely insane move. Thank God you're not married now.

My friend is 50 and her husband is 55. Wayyyy back when they were just living together, in 2003, there was an incident where he got so drunk he urinated up the wall in the living room, and didn't even remember.

They used to be a happy couple, but his problems became worse over the years - the problems the drink is masking, I suppose. They had a really bad divorce around 2015. He was a mean drunk.

Fast forward to now. He's still a drunk, so much so that he's had liver cancer and still can't stop. He's been in trouble with the police, and he doesn't see much of his kids anymore, which has been the case for years.

The moral of the story is, it's a real pity she didn't dump him after that incident all those years ago. I'm absolutely NOT blaming her. None of us have a crystal ball, and she didn't know anything about alcohol abuse and outcomes - neither did I. Or any of my circle. We couldn't look stuff up back then like you can now.

But take the lesson from her story.

And if you need any further convincing, watch Louis Theroux's excellent documentary about people living with alcohol addiction.

I know it will be hard to leave him, but you must. You are drowning in the wake of an addict, and you MUST save yourself.

Watch this. And remember that his addiction may become worse and worse if he can't beat it. And many can't. Even if he can stay away from alcohol, as one commenter on this documentary says in the comments somewhere, he's only ever one drink away from complete madness. no matter how long he's been sober. Addiction is a lifelong disease.

To be clear for the OP, Alcoholics Anonymous is the branch of the organisation that people with drink problems attend. There is a separate branch for the families of addicts called Al-Anon.

So she needs Al-Anon, not Alcoholics Anonymous. Very confusing how one sounds like shorthand for the other, I know, but they are different.

al-anonuk.org.uk/

It's not quite as simple as that. They've been together for 11 years and have a child and share a home, and no doubt have had lots of happy times. She's in the process of raising her bar, but it takes time when you're in a LTR with a child. What you wrote is more suitable for a friend who's had a few really bad dates with someone.

OP, to add to my previous posts, my friend's husband also had a good job, saved money, was a great cook, all these things. But I think we should judge our relationships by their worst times. That's a much better steer than letting the good times cloud our judgement. And the better parts of him fell apart as he got older and his addiction worsened.

I was married to what they call a dry drunk. He had got sober before meeting me, but he did it on his own, so he never worked the 12-step programme in Alcoholics Anonymous. He may have been sober (although he could never have another drink) but his problems remained. He practiced coercive control and psychological abuse, he had terrible depression, a personality disorder I am sure, and he did weird things like going on a water fast.....for an entire week. He would take a week's holiday from work and eat and drink nothing for seven days except water. The alcohol went away but he remained a complete mess, a mess that he took out on me, in the later years. His problems got worse with time.

Someone else upthread said that a friend's man being sober for three months was a sign that someone can change if they want to. Three months of sobriety is NOTHING. Alcoholics fight a battle every day for the rest of their lives not to drink, and often they give in to that battle. It's a terrible disease that never goes away. It's very common to have periods of years and then fall off the wagon again. And repeated detoxes are really bad for your brain. I IMPLORE you to watch that Louis Theroux documentary.

It's very sad to have to split up, and I have lots of compassion for people struggling with addiction......from a distance.

OP, I cannot say this strongly enough: When it comes to being in a relationship with an alcoholic, it's you or him. He's drowning and he will drag you down with him. As hard and tragic as it is, you have to cut yourself loose, let him drown, and swim to safety. Choose yourself.

It might even be the shove he needs to get sober. If so, don't be tempted to reunite with him in the future, The addiction will always be there, threatening a relapse. What would he do if you got cancer or something? It's my belief that people with alcohol addiction aren't mentally robust enough to cope with the ups and downs of life.

Read your own post and consider whether you would advise ANYONE to marry this guy. I’m sorry OP, but I think you know the answer.

He also gropes me a lot despite me telling him to stop and he laughs it off and says he will never stop.

This isn’t only when he’s drunk, is it @Crossroads26 ?

Of course you should cancel the wedding and cancel the relationship. Marrying him only gives him the ability to keep you in a hole where he controls all.

At the very least, he is emotionally and mentally abusive, with a good chance of going to full-on physically abusive since he has pushed you.

You and your child deserve much better than this dud.

Edited to add: I'm glad you've told others, as support is vital and needed. You will breathe a big sigh of relief when he is no longer able to behve like this in your presence.

You've told us yourself this behaviour is not just when he is drinking. He gropes you when he is sober and tells you he's never going to change. That in itself is a good enough reason to leave him.

We do but I would suggest you making plans to leave instead. Contact Women's Aid for support and advice if you're afraid to tell him.

Do NOT marry him. Leave him.

I can 💯 guarantee your child knows what goes on. He senses it, knows it and living in a very abusive environment. His role model will be an alcoholic op. If you stay then this will be normalised for him.
You say your dp grew up with seeing alcoholics - well so is your son. Same cycle repeating. Leave this toxic mess and give your child at least half a normal stable childhood. I’m also certain the friends are disgusted too. Your motivation should be to get your son out of this.
I hope you find a way out. You and your ds deserve so much better than this waste of space.

I’ve stopped contact between my son and exh now but my 6yo knows his dad is an alcoholic and he didn’t hear it from me. He put 2+2 together and made 4 .

a friend was in a similar situation, also with one DC. She made plans and ended the relationship.

Her life was better almost immediately, with her main worry being her ex’s ability to parent safely when in sole charge of their DC. A lawyer told her that should it get to court even with evidence of his alcohol problem he would get regular overnight contact.

In the event continued drinking and prioritised that over time with his DC. He had them regularly, but only in the daytime.

Agreed. You've answered your own question.
Time to pack his bags.

Goodbye.

You and your child deserve better than this.

Good luck. X

Sounds grim OP and sorry you're going through this.

It's good that you've contacted the venue about cancellation. Even if some of the money will be lost, don't feel guilty and as though you have to go through with it. It's her son that has caused this, so he's the only one who should have any guilt or responsibility if his mother loses money.

Thankyou so much for your understanding x

Do not marry this man. My DF was an alcoholic and when he wasn’t drinking was kind and witty. When drinking a nasty,bullish abuser. Don’t fall for the promise to stop drinking etc. unless they actually want to do it , it will never work. Think my DF did at least 4 stints in rehab. It’s left me with lifelong anxiety and PTSD. If nothing else don’t put your child through this and leave for the guy asap .
I’m not an expert - you’ll have to get advice from maybe social services about his visiting rights. Al anon definitely worth contacting.

Thanks for your reply.
I think Ive been really struggling with the idea he is an alcoholic. I need to research more/speak to al anon as someone else suggested. To me an alcoholic was someone who woke up everyday needing a drink.
i originally thought he was a ‘binge drinker’
mom grateful for all the advice on here because it gives me clarification that I haven’t that imagined this or that I’m overreacting. They’ve been eye opening

Are things really that good when he’s sober? I’d bet my last £1 he’s still verbally abusive, groping, undermining , lazy bastard then

He doesn’t just relentlessly grope you when he is drunk does he @Crossroads26 ?

Whether or not he's an alcoholic, he's verbally/emotionally abusive, can't or won't communicate, physically disgusts you, and is a sex pest. He could stop drinking completely (which he may do - when HE wants to) and it wouldn't solve the core issues. You may not feel or be able to cut him off completely right now, but why add ties and levels of legal entanglement that you're going to have to undo later?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and you are right to consider cancelling the wedding. I say this as someone who is a recovering alcoholic. You can be an alcoholic or a problem drinker (you don’t have to be drinking every day to have a drinking problem) and not be an abusive jerk. And if someone is being an abusive jerk, taking away the alcohol isn’t going to suddenly make them not be a massive shithead.

I do think there is a place in an otherwise healthy relationship to have a very firm conversation about drinking and give the person a chance to sort themselves out. My Dh talked to me about how concerned he was about my drinking and how worried he was that he was going to lose me. I didn’t stop drinking that day, but it did add to the catalog of evidence to why I knew I needed to. I did stop drinking and I’ve been sober for 3.5 years and I’ve never looked back. I have a happy, healthy marriage, but it didn’t become happy and healthy because I stopped drinking. That’s how it always was, but quitting drinking definitely helped.

You aren’t even married yet. You have a young child. Drinking or no drinking, he’s not being very kind to you or his child. These are the best years and if this is as best as it gets, that doesn’t bode well for the future. I think you are being very brave considering making the change now before everything gets more complicated.