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Original poster

Should I cancel the wedding over my partner’s drinking and behaviour?

271 replies

Crossroads26 · 18/09/2026 18:00

Hi guys
first time user.
im really really struggling right now in my relationship. We’ve been together 11 years and have a child together. Throughout the entire relationship there has been issues around alcohol use on my partners side. He doesn’t drink everyday but when he does drink he drinks excessively. Often times his mood will go from happy to depressed and then he becomes verbally abusive towards me (usually started by me commenting that his mood is up and down and I think I do this partly because I’m on edge waiting for it to happen) I absolutely hate being around him when he’s drunk. He’s either really really irritating, overly loud or generally harasses me despite me asking him to leave me alone. Then the awful part where he becomes verbally abusive or argumentative. I’ve told him so many times over the years my feelings around this. He either doesn’t respond and acts like nothing has happened. Denies that he was abusive or very very rarely apologises, says he’s ashamed and then it will ok for a month until the next time. I’ve been called vile names, been criticised and once been shoved.
we recently went on a family holiday with friends. Day one of the holiday he became drunk and accused me of upsetting our child (our child was tired from travelling) I told him twice I hadn’t upset our child, he kept on and spoke to me with such venom and told me he was sticking up “for his child” this was done in a crowded dinner hall. I walked away to diffuse the situation but ended up in tears. The next day I tried to talk about it and he brushed over it and still stuck to the fact he was sticking up for his child and refused to apologise. He still hasn’t apologised. During the same holiday he became so drunk and loud at the pool during the day that I started to feel embarrassed and anxious. He was knocking drinks back one after the other and eventually urinated on himself twice and laughed about it. I’m so disgusted and I genuinely dont think I can get past this. I’m so emotionally drained and I’m so sick of living my life this way every time he’s had a drink. We have zero communication, I feel he is emotionally immature. I’m very rarely interested in intimacy.
He also gropes me a lot despite me telling him to stop and he laughs it off and says he will never stop. I’m not even sure what answer I’m looking for, Im just so lost right now and I feel totally trapped. We are due to get married next year and I really don’t think I can go through with it. But I’m so afraid to sit down with him and tell him this

OP posts:
WellThatIsABitMad · 18/09/2026 20:07

Absolutely DO NOT marry this man, he’s shown you who he is so why tie yourself even further into his world through marriage. Get out now as he will never change and will actually get worse.

Girlwithavibe · 18/09/2026 20:19

Crossroads26 · 18/09/2026 18:00

Hi guys
first time user.
im really really struggling right now in my relationship. We’ve been together 11 years and have a child together. Throughout the entire relationship there has been issues around alcohol use on my partners side. He doesn’t drink everyday but when he does drink he drinks excessively. Often times his mood will go from happy to depressed and then he becomes verbally abusive towards me (usually started by me commenting that his mood is up and down and I think I do this partly because I’m on edge waiting for it to happen) I absolutely hate being around him when he’s drunk. He’s either really really irritating, overly loud or generally harasses me despite me asking him to leave me alone. Then the awful part where he becomes verbally abusive or argumentative. I’ve told him so many times over the years my feelings around this. He either doesn’t respond and acts like nothing has happened. Denies that he was abusive or very very rarely apologises, says he’s ashamed and then it will ok for a month until the next time. I’ve been called vile names, been criticised and once been shoved.
we recently went on a family holiday with friends. Day one of the holiday he became drunk and accused me of upsetting our child (our child was tired from travelling) I told him twice I hadn’t upset our child, he kept on and spoke to me with such venom and told me he was sticking up “for his child” this was done in a crowded dinner hall. I walked away to diffuse the situation but ended up in tears. The next day I tried to talk about it and he brushed over it and still stuck to the fact he was sticking up for his child and refused to apologise. He still hasn’t apologised. During the same holiday he became so drunk and loud at the pool during the day that I started to feel embarrassed and anxious. He was knocking drinks back one after the other and eventually urinated on himself twice and laughed about it. I’m so disgusted and I genuinely dont think I can get past this. I’m so emotionally drained and I’m so sick of living my life this way every time he’s had a drink. We have zero communication, I feel he is emotionally immature. I’m very rarely interested in intimacy.
He also gropes me a lot despite me telling him to stop and he laughs it off and says he will never stop. I’m not even sure what answer I’m looking for, Im just so lost right now and I feel totally trapped. We are due to get married next year and I really don’t think I can go through with it. But I’m so afraid to sit down with him and tell him this

Leave him or give him an ultimatum sounds like he has a serious drinking problem alcoholic vibes (I know ).
Someone close to me not partner sounds very similar and he is an alcoholic but he's been sober for a few months now and he is like night and day so different.
So they can change if THEY WANT to x

Cotopaxi · 18/09/2026 20:32

He is verbally abusive and sexually assaults you.

Don't marry him. You need to end this relationship altogether, not just for yourself but for your dc too, who is growing up in this toxic environment and who will come to believe that this is what a normal relationship looks like.
Flowers

HowardTJMoon · 18/09/2026 20:50

Being in a relationship with someone with a problematic approach to alcohol is like being on a rollercoaster. Sometimes you're up, sometimes you're down, but you keep going round and round with the same ups and downs over and over again. When they're keeping their drinking under control your relationship is up. But all the time you're sitting there, hoping that it won't happen again and dreading the moment when they next decide to go all-out and get so drunk that they cause a scene, or piss themselves, or start a drunken argument, or storm off, or say unforgivable things to you... and your relationship is down and you're wondering wtf just happened.

It's good that you've realised this is not a series of one-off events or anything to do with you. It's a cycle that is entirely based on his alcohol consumption. The longer you stay on the rollercoaster with him the more you're going to be swept up during the good times and dragged down during the bad times. To switch metaphors for a moment, your relationship with him is rising and falling on a tide of his alcohol consumption.

There is also something else to consider. There's a lot of anecdotes from people with alcohol problems that suggest that they managed to more or less keep it together until they hit their 40s and that's when the cumulative damage their drinking is causing, added to the decreasing ability for their bodies to cope with those alcohol levels, means that the bad effects start increasing massively. Clarissa Dickson Wright talks about it in her autobiography. If you go to open AA meetings it's a trend you may notice in the stories you hear there, too. It's not something that's guaranteed but it's definitely a trend I've noticed.

Having been in a relationship with someone with an alcohol problem I'd strongly urge you to put the wedding off. I found Al-Anon helpful, mostly due to realising that I'm not alone but also to help developing strategies to isolate myself from the effects of someone else's alcohol problems. I found individual counselling even more helpful. I found the book Codependent No More very helpful too.

I'm very sorry that you've found yourself in this position. It's not your fault.

orangegato · 18/09/2026 20:57

Raise your bar ffs

Mrspatmoresapprentice · 18/09/2026 20:59

orangegato · 18/09/2026 20:57

Raise your bar ffs

Unhelpful. Bore off.

FloofyKat · 18/09/2026 21:03

My advice? Don’t marry this man. Make a new life for you and your daughter without him, somewhere you feel safe and happy and free to be yourself.

Sassylovesbooks · 18/09/2026 21:08

You need to end the relationship, not just cancel the wedding. Your partner is an alcoholic, and a nasty, vile, aggressive one at that. Your partner doesn't give a shit about your feelings, all he's concerned about is himself. He certainly doesn't love you.

You need to end the relationship for your child's sake. Your child is growing up, and sooner rather than later will understand the situation (if your child doesn't already). Your child will be the one who becomes anxious and dreading their Dad's alcoholic binges.

Your partner isn't going to change, because I doubt very much he sees himself as an alcoholic. This is how your future will be if you stay in the relationship. Having a wedding ring on your finger isn't suddenly going to make him change.

camerontucker · 18/09/2026 21:09

I've been where you are and my advice is get out. I wish I'd listened when someone said the same to me. It took me 16 years to leave, best thing I ever did.

Minasama · 18/09/2026 21:27

I guess there are three options:

  1. Nothing changes and you marry him and things get worse.
  2. You give him an ultimatum - he either gets help for his drinking (AA / Alcoholics Anonymous) and sustains the change for a couple of years or you don’t get married. Urinating on himself is vile and degrading and indicates he needs help, as does shoving you.
  3. You make a plan to leave but don’t tell him till it’s sorted.. I’d start with financials. Do you work full time? If not get back to it, you’ll need money. Do you own a house together and are you on the deeds/mortgage? You may have to consult a lawyer.

I guess whether you opt for 2 or 3 depends how much you like him when sober. I think the fact that he shows no remorse for his behaviour and how he has treated you while drunk is a really bad sign.

Winnie27101981 · 18/09/2026 21:29

Crossroads26 · 18/09/2026 18:00

Hi guys
first time user.
im really really struggling right now in my relationship. We’ve been together 11 years and have a child together. Throughout the entire relationship there has been issues around alcohol use on my partners side. He doesn’t drink everyday but when he does drink he drinks excessively. Often times his mood will go from happy to depressed and then he becomes verbally abusive towards me (usually started by me commenting that his mood is up and down and I think I do this partly because I’m on edge waiting for it to happen) I absolutely hate being around him when he’s drunk. He’s either really really irritating, overly loud or generally harasses me despite me asking him to leave me alone. Then the awful part where he becomes verbally abusive or argumentative. I’ve told him so many times over the years my feelings around this. He either doesn’t respond and acts like nothing has happened. Denies that he was abusive or very very rarely apologises, says he’s ashamed and then it will ok for a month until the next time. I’ve been called vile names, been criticised and once been shoved.
we recently went on a family holiday with friends. Day one of the holiday he became drunk and accused me of upsetting our child (our child was tired from travelling) I told him twice I hadn’t upset our child, he kept on and spoke to me with such venom and told me he was sticking up “for his child” this was done in a crowded dinner hall. I walked away to diffuse the situation but ended up in tears. The next day I tried to talk about it and he brushed over it and still stuck to the fact he was sticking up for his child and refused to apologise. He still hasn’t apologised. During the same holiday he became so drunk and loud at the pool during the day that I started to feel embarrassed and anxious. He was knocking drinks back one after the other and eventually urinated on himself twice and laughed about it. I’m so disgusted and I genuinely dont think I can get past this. I’m so emotionally drained and I’m so sick of living my life this way every time he’s had a drink. We have zero communication, I feel he is emotionally immature. I’m very rarely interested in intimacy.
He also gropes me a lot despite me telling him to stop and he laughs it off and says he will never stop. I’m not even sure what answer I’m looking for, Im just so lost right now and I feel totally trapped. We are due to get married next year and I really don’t think I can go through with it. But I’m so afraid to sit down with him and tell him this

My ex husband was the same. Abusive and pretty scary to be around when he had been drinking. I had to leave him in the end. That was 10 years ago and I still dread being around him when he’s been drinking, or had a bad day at work or his football team lose….. he will then message me being abusive!

i would say get your ducks in a row and do not marry him!

globalswimmer · 18/09/2026 21:32

Having been in your shoes, yes, leave him. It's not easy. But he won't change, he'll only get worse and you will only have thrown more years away

Minasama · 18/09/2026 21:37

Very valid x. Sending lots of support.

bargainbasementblues · 18/09/2026 21:39

We do have al anon because I attended. PLEASE leave this man
It will only get worse. I was married for 29 years to a binge drinker who managed to hold a job down but frequently behaved like your partner. He hid drink all over the house and garden. It took my years to work out what was happening.

His behaviour got worse and worse. My self esteem disappeared and I ended up on a psych ward after an overdose and God knows how I survived but I did.
Don't be me. It won't get any better. Don't marry him.
Ironically and predictably, he has met a rich widow whom he had been seeing for a couple of years and is now blissfully happy. My son is addicted to weed and is also a binge drinker. I am ashamed that I allowed myself to stay in that marriage/relationship. I am in my 60s and very lonely.

LeftieRightsHoarder · 18/09/2026 21:47

OP, everything you say about him is another good reason to leave him. You cannot reform him. Of course he can be nice sometimes — it’s part of the cycle of abusing you till you want to leave, then reeling you back in.

No matter how inconvenient and distressing the process of cancelling the wedding and ending the relationship, it’s nothing compared to the relief of getting safely out.

Picture yourself in a year or so, living peacefully with your child. Having fun and quiet times together. No more abuse, or drunken aggression, or gaslighting.

You have so much happiness ahead of you, once you’ve broken out of the cage you’re currently caught in xx

ThisMauveTurtle · 18/09/2026 22:00

Oh you can't really marry him can you.
Your life would be dreadful,unless he's ok when sober.
I have some friends who I would stay clear off when they are drinking but otherwise we do lots of things together, just no drinking.
You would just have to lead separate social lives, if that suited you

Stillamum3 · 18/09/2026 22:31

Crossroads26 · 18/09/2026 18:07

I’m from the uk, I’m not sure we have al anon here

Yes, we do.

OchreGoose · 18/09/2026 22:46

I was in a similar relationship to this and my advice would be not to marry this man with the way things are at the moment. Will you even be able to enjoy your wedding day?

I lived with constant anxiety around my DH’s drinking. I couldn’t enjoy events because I was always worrying how much he was drinking and was always on edge for when the next night out would be. It was exhausting and no way to live. Unless your DP is willing to go sober you will continue in this endless cycle.

I’m not sure if it’s been mentioned how old your child is but it is also highly likely to start having an impact on them, if it has not done so already.

It’s hard being the one to make the difficult decisions, especially when none of it is your fault, but I cannot even begin to tell you the weight that will be lifted off your shoulders. You and your child deserve better.

YorksMa · 18/09/2026 23:12

You poor thing. This sound horrendous. Obviously you can't marry him - he's a raging abusive drunk. Get out. Get your poor kid out. Safely.

Maybe he can stop drinking and sober up permanently. And if he does (big if) maybe you will want to marry him then - but that's years down the line, if ever. At the moment, your bar is so low it's dragging on the ground. You and your child deserve better.

KarenNextDoor · 18/09/2026 23:50

Hes an abusive alcoholic whose completely embarrassing. At the moment hes taking it out on you, soon enough he will be doing it to his child. What then? Will you sit by and say its ok? Run for the bloody hills. Do not marry this man. Do not stay with him. Remove you and your child from this toxic situation. Also from experience, do not listen to his BS excuses about cutting down, hes not an alcoholic as he holds down a job and doesn’t drink daily. Hes a problem drinker and it’s affecting family life. Leave and be happy op

Waterbaby41 · 18/09/2026 23:58

Crossroads26 · 18/09/2026 18:07

I’m from the uk, I’m not sure we have al anon here

We certainly do have Al anon. For partners and children of alcoholics.

cordeliavorkosigan · 19/09/2026 00:10

Absolutely do not marry this man.
Imagine, he'll do these things on your wedding night. And you'll be tied to him even more and regret it for years.
Bad sign that he has no awareness or remorse, because it means he's unlikely to change.
Probably best to end the relationship or at least prepare yourself to do so , get your support network in place and all.

Gateappreciation · 19/09/2026 00:13

Just from the title of your thread alone, the answer is ‘yes’.

BrickMaker · 19/09/2026 00:43

Any man who gives you a verbal dressing down in public needs to go in the bin. There is ZERO respect when this happens and is a clear sign that he thinks he is superior to you. He is abusive. You feel trapped because he has worn you down so much that your self confidence is shot. Please start a bit of either counselling or a women's support and self esteem group so you can feel stronger. When you feel stronger the fog will lift and the way out will present itself.

Mollymalone123 · 19/09/2026 00:49

I’m so sorry but you know already what you should do.You just wanted to know you are doing the right thing-which you are-by not getting married and if anything it’s time to call the relationship a day-my first husband was an alcoholic-I have so many regrets as I believed the promise to not drink-he just hid it instead-he tried many times to dry out in hospital etc -he still drinks and we divorced over 30 years ago.
Please put yourself first and make plans to leave .I wouldn’t normally say that-if say give him a chance but he’d need to not drink at all and I think he just couldn’t do it without a lot of help-.