How do I decline meals out with a friend who avoids paying?

[Tigertigers]

A friend wants to eat out and an expensive restaurant with food I don’t like. I don’t want to go as the last few times she has made me pay and not returned the favour.

About a year ago an acquaintance was having the same issue and confided in me. I innocently told him I had the same issue but he went back and blabbed. I no longer speak to him as he was untrustworthy with other confidential issues.

Funnily enough since he told her she bought one takeaway and said it was her turn as he had told her what I had said! I bought the next takeaway a few weeks later. I know I should have told her and not him but she was using me and him for meals because she was pushing her luck.

The food looks disgusting on the menu and I personally don’t want to eat out with her because she likes to ‘take turns’ to pay but she gets out of it and then when you pay for her she leaves half a plate of food. It makes me sick as I am wasting my salary on food to go in the bin. I don’t know why people always want to catch up over expensive meals.

What do I say?

“she has made me pay” - no one can MAKE you pay - it will only happen if you allow it to.

But your dilemma is easily solved - “I’ve had a look at the menu and nothing appeals to me so I’ll pass on this occasion”

For any future invitations make it very clear from the outset that you won’t be taking it in turns to pay - “just FYI I’m watching my budget so we’ll just need to pay for ourselves at the restaurant rather than taking it in turns”.

Just say. I'm really not a foodie. I'll meet you for a drink afterwards!

Yeah, be honest, looks a lovely place but nothing on the menu that interests me and its too expensive for food I do not think I will enjoy.

And then tag on that you are saving for something special (holiday, car or such like ) and you are on a tight budget, so whilst you would love to catch up for a chat, tell her it needs to be somewhere less expensive and with something on the menu, you would relish eating. And can you each pay your own way from now on, because that way you can stick within your budget and she can enjoy whatever she wants?

i agree with everyone saying let’s choose somewhere else because that food doesn’t appeal to me. Could we also just agree to split the bill or pay for what we have? I just find it easier to do that.

Is there a reason you can't be honest? Tell her it looks gross and too expensive?
If she always tries to get out of paying, just say going forward I want to split the bill, or pay for what we each order.
She's cheeky, but you're letting her walk all over you. It doesn't need to be made into a big deal.

How about “I don’t fancy the food there, how about we just meet for drinks and a catch up?” (Or coffee and cake in the day etc), just try and scale down the meet ups to at home or drinks etc (where the amount is less and easier to take turns -“your round!” Etc).

Lets just meet up for a coffee, I'm skint.

I think you’ve got bigger issues here than this friend. Ask yourself why you’ve allowed yourself to be taken advantage of. And why you chose to chat to the mutual friend rather than behave with integrity and speak directly to this person. You will continue to be taken advantage of in the future by others unless you can work on your own sense of self, authenticity and honesty, imho.

FPNI 👍

I never understand why people spend time with 'friends' they don't actually like, doing things they don't really want to do.

There are no magic words, OP. Just the normal plain English ones.

Re this particular restaurant, just say "I've had a look at the menu and it's not for me. I'd be happy to go to X place instead."

In respect of the paying, tell her in advance you want to split the bill. You can just drop it in a text, it doesn't need to be a dramatic conversation. A simple "let's split the bill this time, it makes life easier" is fine. Then when you get to the restaurant, as your waiter or waitress at the start of the meal for separate bills. You don't need to involve your friend in that at all, it's a request from you to the waiting staff.

If you think your friend will be unreasonable or horrible about these incredibly reasonable stances, then what do you have to lose? The friendship of someone difficult and unreasonable? That's a blessing in disguise.

I was going to completely agree, but then realised that's kind of what I do on Mumsnet 😂

You say "No."

Just say no thank you the food in that restaurant isn't to my taste. And in any case I am saving up so I'm not eating out currently

How is she making you pay. You go to the restaurant and you say to the serving staff can we each get an itemised bill for what we both ate

Just say "No. I can't afford it anymore".

"thanks for asking me but I'm really sorry I can't come."

If asked why , try " I'm not eating out at the moment as I'm on two kinds of diet, one where I only eat food that I like in moderation , and the other is a money diet. X (suggested venue) won't be any good for me on either count at the moment "

Just say you don't like the look of the menu. And also you've noticed that you have been paying the last few times.
So it's definitely her turn to treat. But just please not that kind of food. How about xyz place you both like?

Wherever you go try and make sure she pays. Then after that you should just each pay separately.

You're an adult, you're allowed to say no, it's very liberating, you need to try it sometime x

Just say 'No'. Not some excuse or apology.

"I don't fancy that place - how about ???. Also, budget-wise, it works better for me to just split the bill on the night, so that's what I'll be doing from now on. Alternatively, how about I cook and you bring pudding? Let me know which option you prefer."

I’m not sure about this menu, what about xyz instead? Also rather than this awkward “whose turn is it this time?” would you prefer to split the bill or run two tabs?

Otherwise, say you are busy can you just meet for drinks

just communicate!
phone don’t message
something along the lines of, I don’t want us to get in a pickle about socialising together as I love hanging out with you but find the taking it in turns for the bill confusing and like someone is going to end up short changed so if we go out can we agree to go halves?
also, have to be honest to say, I’m not feeling it with that food, nothing I fancy, shall we choose somewhere else.

get out of victim mode and own what you do and don’t want to do. If you don’t actually want to spend time with this person then forget all of the above and don’t go out with her ever. If you do want to remain friends then be a bit more grown up and positive about it all, it’s not the end of the world.

I am using this a lot lately

1. no thanks
2. (laughing) hell no
3. Fuck no go away

I mean you have weird friends right?

why all the faff and wriggling?