How do I decline meals out with a friend who avoids paying?

[Tigertigers]

A friend wants to eat out and an expensive restaurant with food I don’t like. I don’t want to go as the last few times she has made me pay and not returned the favour.

About a year ago an acquaintance was having the same issue and confided in me. I innocently told him I had the same issue but he went back and blabbed. I no longer speak to him as he was untrustworthy with other confidential issues.

Funnily enough since he told her she bought one takeaway and said it was her turn as he had told her what I had said! I bought the next takeaway a few weeks later. I know I should have told her and not him but she was using me and him for meals because she was pushing her luck.

The food looks disgusting on the menu and I personally don’t want to eat out with her because she likes to ‘take turns’ to pay but she gets out of it and then when you pay for her she leaves half a plate of food. It makes me sick as I am wasting my salary on food to go in the bin. I don’t know why people always want to catch up over expensive meals.

What do I say?

I wonder the same, I often think the person is just stuck in a loop of wanting to be liked at any cost?

Op had similar, now I just suggest coffee. I just said oh eating out too pricey now!! So it avoids all that about paying up

If you actually want to see her say you don't fancy that food and suggest a different place.

When you get there, say "I'm on a budget so we'll just pay for ourselves if that's ok! Ooh XYZ looks nice, how have you been?"

I would say this is actually one occasion where a message is better than a phone call.

Op can take her time to word it exactly right, make sure she includes everything she wants to say and most importantly can’t be interrupted or argued against.

Dear friend, no I won’t be going to that restaurant with you for a catch up.
There are several issues I’m afraid…..

1. Your expectation that I will pay.
2. Your tendency to waste food that I have paid for, which only adds insult to injury, especially when it’s overpriced in the first place.
3. I have looked at the menu of that place you suggest and it honestly just doesn’t match my taste or finances.

So why don’t we go somewhere we both like and both can afford.
And from now on, we each pay for our own so that neither of us can ever feel used by the other going forward.
We both like Italian food so how about the lunch special at that new place I mentioned before. The menu is online. Check it out and if you like it and if you can afford it let me know asap and I will book that instead.

Yes but lose the “if that’s ok” - she doesn’t need permission.

Faff part only necessary if the friend doesn't accept OP first response simply declining the invitation

The friend only needs to be told it's the venue/food/money issues if pushed for a reason by said friend. OP seemed to have trouble asserting her reasons, hence the additional faffing, but in a way the addresses the fact it's all three issues rather than declining the friendship

What do you say? You say, "No thank you. I always end up paying as you weasel your way out of it."

She's not your friend; that ought to put a stop to her contacting you.

This

is this a friend you enjoy ? No? Then back off , make excuses be buzy a lot

Tell her the truth - "Not my kind of food. It is very expensive, so, even though it is your turn to pay, I would not want you to waste your money on something I would not enjoy."

I would let her know that the restaurant is not your cup of tea and suggest a couple of alternatives. Also, I would add that you are on a budget so going forward it would be better if you paid separately for your own meals or go 50/50. This person seems a bit of leech, what are you getting out of the friendship?

I would just say, J think the menu looks horrible and I don’t want to eat there. If you want to eat elsewhere either then I would insist that you pay for what you personally eat and drink. Not split the bill, not take it in turns.

Yes, I think this is really the only option. If she falls out with you then never mind, nobody needs freeloaders anyway. There's plenty more people out there. If she was a good friend, she wouldn't take the p*ss. She knows exactly what she's doing.

Just tell her you dont fancy that restaurant and if you go somewhere you do want to go to look at the menu before you go to see what you want so you know how much to pay and then at the end of the meal you go to the toilet and just pay for you so she cant see and then when the bill comes you tell her youve already paid for you and you have a phone call to make outside and you will see her outside

Tell her that the menu looks grim and you can't afford it anyway

No thank you, I don't fancy that place. I'd happily come out to Chick Fil A with you but only if we are splitting the bill.

There you go!

Every time you go out from now on, just pay for your own. No arguments then.

definitely this.

How does someone 'make you pay '?

Why don't you just say no it is too expensive.

Forget splitting the bill or taking turns, this person is using you, why would you want to spend time with someone like that?
Just reply, no thanks I don't want to go out again with you.
No excuse, no I don't fancy the food, you don't want to spend time with her.

no is not a complete sentence. I know this is Received Wisdom here but good lord.

'hey pal I've known for ages, want to come to dinner at this place next week? I think it looks good'
'no'

typing that is VERY WEIRD behaviour

How do I decline meals out with a friend who avoids paying?

No thank you.

go with her, forget to take any means of payment, when you get there decide you're not hungry & order something very small & inexpensive, then when it comes time to pay sit back & wait for her to pony up.
OR just tell her the truth & get rid of her for good!

If you do meet up again, I wouldn't offer to pay 50/50 as no doubt she will then order the most expensive food and drinks, so you'd still end up subsidising her. I would let her know you will only be paying for what you've ordered and she can pay for hers. In most places you can ask them to create 2 bills.