How do I decline meals out with a friend who avoids paying?

[Tigertigers]

A friend wants to eat out and an expensive restaurant with food I don’t like. I don’t want to go as the last few times she has made me pay and not returned the favour.

About a year ago an acquaintance was having the same issue and confided in me. I innocently told him I had the same issue but he went back and blabbed. I no longer speak to him as he was untrustworthy with other confidential issues.

Funnily enough since he told her she bought one takeaway and said it was her turn as he had told her what I had said! I bought the next takeaway a few weeks later. I know I should have told her and not him but she was using me and him for meals because she was pushing her luck.

The food looks disgusting on the menu and I personally don’t want to eat out with her because she likes to ‘take turns’ to pay but she gets out of it and then when you pay for her she leaves half a plate of food. It makes me sick as I am wasting my salary on food to go in the bin. I don’t know why people always want to catch up over expensive meals.

What do I say?

She 'makes you pay' 🙄🙄

"I don't like the look of the food and I can't afford to pay for both of us"

Everyone understands that she isn't literally forcing her to pay.
She goes to the toilet, you wait for her to come back.
She takes a call, you wait for her to finish...

"What do I say?"

No, I don't like the look of the food there.
No, it's too expensive for what it is.
No, you'll only stick me with the bill.
No, I'd rather stick needles in my eyes than have you stiff me for the bill again.
No, I don't like spending time with grifting bastards.
No.
No, now fuck off, you're no friend of mine.

Yeah, I think this covers all bases 👍🏻

Indeed. Or you just ask the waiter to itemise and separate the bills and just pay your own. Then it’s on her and any awkwardness will also be on her. Personally tho I just still wouldn’t even go in the first place, op, especially if you don’t like the look of the place/its menu.

A “friend” my ass.

You clearly can’t stand her @Tigertigers !

“I don’t like the look of that restaurant, to be honest. Happy to go to x. We will need to split the bill.” Then when the bill comes, pay half.

You can always say no if you don't like the food anyway, but I had this exact situation with a family member, 3 times of me paying and her not offering or returning the favour, I told her I couldn't keep affording to pay so much while eating out, so from now on I'm just going to pay for myself, and the next time we went out, she sat there expecting to be asked what she wanted (as usual at this point), but instead I just went up and ordered my own food and drink, sat back down then asked her what she was going to go and order?

It worked fine for me, but choosy fuckers do sometimes need that extra push, as they will expect you to back down, I haven't had a problem since and we now just pay for ourselves, it's much easier.

Just this.

Just be honest? Say no thank you. I don't enjoy eating out with you because you freeload, you absolute chancer.

If you really like her otherwise, though you don't seem to, you can be cheery about this and make it just a foible. It's a bad habit but it's not homicide, is it. I have a friend I never make 121 arrangements with because she flakes on me (on everyone and everything including her job/s). But I like her, so I just tell her cheerily, oh no, because you're a massive flake and you probably won't show up. Instead here are some places we're already going on x and y date - come along if you can.

This is such a none issue. If she's a friend, you should be a able to speak up for yourself.

'Hey, I really don't fancy that restaurant. The food doesn't look appealing to me and it's a lot to pay out for food I don't want. Happy to go somewhere else that we both like. Probably best to let you know I'm going to pay for myself every time we eat out from now on - I need to better control how much I'm spending socially and paying for myself is the only way I can do that, really. Let me know where else you fancy.'

My bet would be that she's not bothered about eating out with you any more.

No loss!

Hey! Can we go somewhere else? Really not keen on Thai (delete as appropriate) food. Happily go to The Golden Lion or the Italian on the high street though. Although just to warn you we’ll need to go Dutch as I need to be careful with the pennies at the moment. Let me know xxxxxx

I don’t want to go as the last few times she has made me pay and not returned the favour.

How did she 'make' you pay? I don't think you can blame your friend for your own decisions.

Clearly the person who said 'you lost me' didn't understand that, so you don't have to speak for everyone.

I think bashing OP for wanting a bit of support is unhelpful.

I never understand why people continue to be friends with people like this, or are so weak they can't say that they don't like the food in certain places and they'd rather split the bill at the time instead of taking turns.

You can ask the waiter to split the bill and you each pay half on your card there and then. Waiters do it all the time, no problem.

I don't know why you're friends with someone like this i'm also not sure why you dropped the other guy who told but haven't dropped her. I would say no I don't want to I don't like the look of absolutely anything on the menu and it's overpriced. Plus in future if we go out to eat we need to pay for our own meals and not take it in turns because you seem to be accidentally forgetting when it's your turn and I can't afford carry that And even if I could I don't want to.
if she doesn't like your response tough shit

It's very simple. You say no. Tell her clearly it doesn't appeal to you and you won't be taking turns or paying for anyone else's meals in future.

This is a friend ..... ?

Good grief.

This is just "click bait" isn't it? It doesn't sound very plausible.

Let’s go to Spoons for fish and chips or a baked potato. Also, I’m happier splitting the bill 50/50 from now on, rather than alternating btwn ‘you pay/I pay’ each time. Hope this sounds okay. Looking forward to catching up next week.

She's a CF and a user - and you're being used! Time to ditch the friendship. Just say No, thanks, that doesn't work for me.

Either no thanks or if you do enjoy her company say I would be happy to eat out but not there, and we have to pay our own way.

You send a text, and say something along the lines of:

"Dear Joan, I'm really looking forward to seeing you on Friday. I have just taken a look at the menu of the restaurant you've suggested, and I have to be honest and say that it doesn't really appeal to me as I don't like A, B and C and those things seem to dominate the menu, unfortunately. Would you mind if we go somewhere else? I suggest X, Y or Z, but I'm open to other suggestions if you prefer somewhere else.

Also, could we have a chat about the way we usually take turns in paying for dinner? Because, I have thought about this for a while and I think it's a lot easier and more convenient for me if we just pay for ourselves when we are out. That's what I usually do when I go out with other friends, and that's what I'd prefer to do when we meet. I hope you understand.

Let me know if you're okay with either of my suggestions, or if you have other restaurant ideas".

What happened with the blabbing? Was she upset or fine about it?

Also interested in the disgusting food.

If you are generally worried about food waste, ask if you can take what she has left home with you.