How do I decline meals out with a friend who avoids paying?

[Tigertigers]

A friend wants to eat out and an expensive restaurant with food I don’t like. I don’t want to go as the last few times she has made me pay and not returned the favour.

About a year ago an acquaintance was having the same issue and confided in me. I innocently told him I had the same issue but he went back and blabbed. I no longer speak to him as he was untrustworthy with other confidential issues.

Funnily enough since he told her she bought one takeaway and said it was her turn as he had told her what I had said! I bought the next takeaway a few weeks later. I know I should have told her and not him but she was using me and him for meals because she was pushing her luck.

The food looks disgusting on the menu and I personally don’t want to eat out with her because she likes to ‘take turns’ to pay but she gets out of it and then when you pay for her she leaves half a plate of food. It makes me sick as I am wasting my salary on food to go in the bin. I don’t know why people always want to catch up over expensive meals.

What do I say?

That would be my answer.
Will we split the bill.

See can't exactly reply No,

So what's the worst that could happen if you end the friendship? Has she got something on you? She does nothing but take and you obviously don't like her that much. So why continue with this pantomime.

In this instance I'd say ' I really don't fancy going there at all'.

More generally, she's a grifter and she knows she is. My experience of challenging this behaviour firmly and fairly is that you will meet with denial and obfuscation. Oh but I paid last time and I've paid before, etc. I personally hate stinginess. If you really like her. Just be straight. 'Any time we eat out in the future I will be paying for my order and nothing more.'. If you don't like her, put her on slow fade. It poisons friendships, I think.

“No thanks, I don’t like Korean/fish and chips/peruvian/ pies, and also I can’t afford to treat you anymore as I’m managing my budget carefully.”

Generally speaking the waiter leaves the bill on the table then comes back with card machine. At that point you just hand him your card and say it’s £x on that one please and the rest on my friends. Or give him your card and say half on mine, half on hers. It’s not that complicated any more. Not like when everyone paid in cash and people could forget their wallets or not have enough cash on them.

do you want to spend time with her? If so suggest going for a coffee instead where you each pay for your own anyway.
If not, say no thanks.
Either way don’t agree to a restaurant you don’t fancy that’s barmy.

@aperolspritzbasicbitch - love your user name!

Also, agree completely with this. Just say you'll each pay foryour own from now on. @aperolspritzbasicbitch has provided some great wording here - breezy and non argumentative, but also clear.

No one can make you do anything. Just be honest that you dont want to tomorrow you'd prefer to pay for your own meal going forward

Just say it's not your type of food! Any future meals just ask for a separate bill. There's a couple of groups that I belong to and when we get the bill - we calculate what we owe or go to the cash till and say what we had - then we can round up or add a bit for a tip if you want. Not everyone does but no judgement is made if you don't pay a tip.
It's a shame that Mumsnetters seem to get caught with this issue time and time again but a bit of straight talking at the start should sort any issues.

I don’t really like the look of the food so going to sit this one out

So you can cut someone off easily enough for being a blabbermouth but you are struggling to deal with your friend who scams you

as pp said - you want to go somewhere else and you’ll be splitting the bill. She knows!

or go to McDonald’s or Nando’s where you pay up front for yourself🤣

Why not tell her you are fed up of her not paying her way?

Just split the bill? It’s what my friends and I do every time we go out. Unless it’s someone’s birthday and then they don’t pay.

When the waiter comes over to take your order why not say can we have separate bills? I went out with friends this week and did this as some of us had wine, others had soft drinks, then, she can't "make" you pay.

Also what a lot of other posts have said, just stand up for yourself and say what you've been advised here.

Annnnddd ... she's not a friend if she's treating you this way and I wouldn't want to spend time with someone like this.

What everyone else said but how can this have happened a few times if she keeps getting out of her turn to pay. Wouldn't you just say 'I paid last time, your turn'.

Plus I'm curious about the 'disgusting' food on the menu. What on earth are they serving?

Why isn't a nice coffee shop good enough? Have you suggested that?

Its not even about the money for this place, you dont like the food so why would you even contemplate saying yes?

'Hi Sue, Sorry, don't fancy there, menu's not my cup of tea so i'll pass, hope you enjoy it'

I don’t get this either.

If it’s her turn to pay surely you just tell her that?

In relation to this just say no thanks, you don’t fancy the restaurant, and you seem to end up paying too often. If you still want to see her, suggest coffee instead.

I had a friend like this. I booked a trip and she then said couldn’t afford to pay atm.

We once went to a bar and I had a soft drink and she had an expensive cocktail. I paid for my drink. She was v annoyed. You could just say, I’d rather pay for my share

Sorry I can't come. I can't afford to pay for both of us right now.

This!! And ditch her, she sounds like a cow! And certainly no friend.

What do I say? You say 'No'.

Tell her there is nothing on the menu for you.
Tell her to go with a different friend.

I don't see what you've got to lose by being honest. She's the shonky one with no shame. Just say you don't like the menu of that restaurant, and if she picks another you do like, say you'll only go on condition that you split the bill fairly, paying for your own meals. Who gives a shit if she likes to take turns? You know for a fact she just does that to scam you. When the waiter brings the bill, say what your amount is and pay that, then it's on her to pay for hers. If she's so brazen that she'll fake not having any money/other way to pay at that point, you're completely justified in going nuclear at her and ditching her for good. Which will enhance your life vastly, as will learning to assert yourself properly.

^and this.

Time to let her pay for her own food and then release her from your friendship - as she seems to be very much a taker not a sharer or giver.