How do I decline meals out with a friend who avoids paying?

[Tigertigers]

A friend wants to eat out and an expensive restaurant with food I don’t like. I don’t want to go as the last few times she has made me pay and not returned the favour.

About a year ago an acquaintance was having the same issue and confided in me. I innocently told him I had the same issue but he went back and blabbed. I no longer speak to him as he was untrustworthy with other confidential issues.

Funnily enough since he told her she bought one takeaway and said it was her turn as he had told her what I had said! I bought the next takeaway a few weeks later. I know I should have told her and not him but she was using me and him for meals because she was pushing her luck.

The food looks disgusting on the menu and I personally don’t want to eat out with her because she likes to ‘take turns’ to pay but she gets out of it and then when you pay for her she leaves half a plate of food. It makes me sick as I am wasting my salary on food to go in the bin. I don’t know why people always want to catch up over expensive meals.

What do I say?

Use your voice, be assertive but polite, say no thanks and don’t enter into negotiations regarding eating out or ordering takeaways in the future. She will no doubt find another mug to freeload off!

In the wonderful words of Zammo - Just say no.

Exactly this. I can have these conversations with real friends.

@Tigertigers

When you say "the food looks disgusting on the menu", OP, what is it about the menu which makes you feel that?

"No thank you, I don't like the look of the food to be honest."

Then, if you actually like her and do want to carry on spending time with her, and the money is the only issue, then ask her if she wants to come round yours and watch a film. And if you do ever eat out with her again, make it clear IN ADVANCE that you won't be paying for her. For example, "that sounds lovely, but I have to warn you, I'm only going to be paying for my meal, and you'll have to pay for yours. See you Friday! xxx"

How have you allowed it to get this far? How exactly does she make you pay? You should have nipped this behaviour in the bud after it happened once or twice. Just be upfront and say that you don't like the menu and anyway she still owes you money from your previous meals. I would never meet such a person for food ever again.

I thought I was a people pleaser, but even I manage to say to the friend that I eat out with regularly 'sorry, that's not my kind of thing' or 'looks nice but it's way out of my budget' so we go somewhere else.

Tell the waiter “we are splitting the bill” then you don’t even have to have a conversation about it. But I wouldn’t go anywhere I didn’t like the food anyway.

No.thankyou !
Why ?
Oh because u never pay for your food !
Why are u friends with this person ?
If I was friends with someone I would b able to have an open honest conversation with them 😄
Sounds like I don't really like her 😁

Respond saying you are cutting back on eating out. How about drinks, or cinema?

No thanks, I don't like the food at xxxxx. Also you never pay your way and I can't subsidise you any more. Please.dont ask again.

Even if she said she will pay, I wouldnt trust her to actually do so, so the answer would still be no

I'm baffled as to why anyone would not simply say, "No thanks, I've paid for enough meals for you!".

Erm, I don't know, say it's too expensive and I don't like the food?!

Suggest somewhere else you do like and tell her you'll need to be splitting the bill?

But how does she “make” you pay? Don’t you just say let’s split the bill when the server comes along with the card machine?

Just ask the waiter up front for 2 separate bills? That's if you actually want to see her, and can agree on somewhere you both like

How can she "make you pay", especially repeatedly? Even if she told you at the last minute that she forgot her wallet or something, you can remind her that she owes you x amount for her half and don't go again until she pays. But also, no, of course I wouldn't go to a restaurant where all the food looked disgusting, no matter who was paying. If this is genuinely a friend you want to stay friends with, maybe arrange to meet up for other things besides a meal?

@Tigertigers you lost me at “made me pay”. What a strange thing to post.

‘No thanks, I don’t fancy it’

Assuming you want to stay friends (and I don’t know why), the next time she suggests a meal and you actually want to go say ‘I’d like to just start splitting the bill when we eat out, it’s fairer for both of us’.

No is a complete sentence.

I Would kill two birds with one stone here

“thanks for this. I had a look at the menu and it isn’t for me I’m afraid. Whilst we are on the topic, I wanted to flag I’m doing a careful budget so going forward when we eat out/get takeaway I’d want us to each pay for our own food. Trust that works for you.”

Nobody can “make you” pay.

You just say to the waiter that you’re paying for your own orders. If friends says they want to take turns you say no im not doing that.

I don’t see how anyone can ‘make’ you pay!

If that genuinely happened, I wouldn’t be speaking to them again, let alone letting it happen several more times. Come on, OP.

Do you want to stay friends with her? She sounds awful.

If you do like her on some level you could send something like below:

'Hi friend, I don't enjoy that kind of food. It's best you go with someone who can enjoy the experience with you. In fact, I'm following a specific diet right now, so I won't be eating out for the foreseeable but happy to go for a walk in the park with you. Have fun.'

I think you dumped the wrong friend

She doesn't mean literally. Probably the friend goes to the loo when the bill comes or something. Or has to take a phone call.

Some people do pull this crap.