How do I decline meals out with a friend who avoids paying?

[Tigertigers]

A friend wants to eat out and an expensive restaurant with food I don’t like. I don’t want to go as the last few times she has made me pay and not returned the favour.

About a year ago an acquaintance was having the same issue and confided in me. I innocently told him I had the same issue but he went back and blabbed. I no longer speak to him as he was untrustworthy with other confidential issues.

Funnily enough since he told her she bought one takeaway and said it was her turn as he had told her what I had said! I bought the next takeaway a few weeks later. I know I should have told her and not him but she was using me and him for meals because she was pushing her luck.

The food looks disgusting on the menu and I personally don’t want to eat out with her because she likes to ‘take turns’ to pay but she gets out of it and then when you pay for her she leaves half a plate of food. It makes me sick as I am wasting my salary on food to go in the bin. I don’t know why people always want to catch up over expensive meals.

What do I say?

Tell her you are hard up at present and cannot afford to eat out. Perhape she will offer to treat you!

Say sorry I am not keen on that menu, we could try somewhere else. Also I can’t treat you this time so it will have to be you treating me or we split the bill/pay our own way.

I think you definitely have to say no you don't want to go to that restaurant as you don't like the menu the have to offer. When I go with a group of friends we tend to choose somewhere we can order and pay separately then we are in control of our spending. If she doesn't want to do that then maybe another time to meet is better - brunch or just coffee and cake.

Is this a genuine question. I wonder if sometimes these are made up on here just to get reactions. If so you just say no thanks. If she gets funny about it she is no loss as a friend, so a win win 🙂

I don't think so - meaning not made up. I was like that in my 20s, total doormat. I regret having no backbone then, but this rings so true to me.

Honestly OP, get some counselling for self esteem.
It will be money really well spent.
Spending even an hour with a user like that, that you cannot deal with, is so bad for your sense of self.

Please can you clarify what she does to "make" you pay?

Tell her money's a bit tight right now and while you realise she was planning to pay (since she's inviting you), you wouldn't feel right because you wouldn't be able to pay her back when it was your turn.

Everyone here is being mean to the OP for allowing herself to be used. I'd like to know where the friend gets the audacity.

"Sorry but I can't find anything I like on the menu." Then next time say that you think it will be better if you paid separately. Don't split the bill as she could order drinks or something expensive whereas you have only had a bowl of soup and a roll! We had a family member who kept doing that and was ordering alcoholic drinks and tons of food then expected us to split the bill. We said 'no' and after that absolutely refused to pay for anyone else's alcoholic drinks.

Yes

You can blank people.

Op I had a tight friend. I said we just do coffee as everything costly now. Cuts out who turn it is paying!!

Just ask whether you are invited.

I remember reading an article a few years ago which mentioned an App called Split wise which you can download for bill sharing.

Could you send her a link to the App and say "let's both download this, it looks good!"?

https://www.ft.com/content/8ccd6f0e-18bb-11e9-b93e-f4351a53f1c3?syn-25a6b1a6=1

https://www.splitwise.com/

@Tigertigers If she keeps inviting you,tell her the truth that you are sick of footing the bill and you don't want to go out for a meal anyway.

She is not a friend. She is a user.

This is really quite simple. You say 'okay but we pay our own way going forward'
Like I get that some situations can be difficult to approach but this one ain't it. She has used you in the past. So you simply say you're no longer taking turns and you can both pay for your own food. You really need to stand up for yourself.

Just say you’ve started investing so don’t really like to spend money eating out

This ^.
She's not a "friend" OP, she's a free-loader.
Grow a backbone and ditch her.

We go halves or I’m not going..and no one can MAKE you pay for the whole meal…

The next time she wants to eat out insist on the venue being Fred's Greasy spoon cafe! Order beans on toast twice and if she queries this, say it is a precaution in case you have to pay for both meals.

Just say no thanks.

If pressed explain not your kind of food and that you don't have enough money to take the two of you out for a meal right now.

B

😄

Well just be careful she doesn’t land you with the drinks bill.

I had a similar situation when I was younger,
I tried to put her on the backfoot and said something like “you don’t need to pay even though it’s your turn, let’s all just pay for our own from now on “

I thought I was being smart but then she had an issue with her card at dinner.
Not sure what the card issue was , or if it was planned but it genuinely didn’t go through. I paid for her again and never went for dinner with her ever again. And that was 4 years ago now 😃

What she may not have realised is I had also been planning to gift her my (barely used) bike for free despite her saying she was willing to pay for it .

After that happened I did decide to collect the money from her before giving her my bike which I don’t think she expected.
I also stopped with the one sided presents to her kids which she never returned to me on my birthday or on any other day. . I think she realised at that point the gravy train was over Which is why our friendship faded away over a year or two later.

So basically you’ve did the right thing by cancelling dinner.

”I don’t like that food. As I’ve shouted you a few times, let’s make a shortlist we both like so we don’t waste food. As I’ve paid several times, this one and the next is on you.”

Do NOT pay.