How do I decline meals out with a friend who avoids paying?

[Tigertigers]

A friend wants to eat out and an expensive restaurant with food I don’t like. I don’t want to go as the last few times she has made me pay and not returned the favour.

About a year ago an acquaintance was having the same issue and confided in me. I innocently told him I had the same issue but he went back and blabbed. I no longer speak to him as he was untrustworthy with other confidential issues.

Funnily enough since he told her she bought one takeaway and said it was her turn as he had told her what I had said! I bought the next takeaway a few weeks later. I know I should have told her and not him but she was using me and him for meals because she was pushing her luck.

The food looks disgusting on the menu and I personally don’t want to eat out with her because she likes to ‘take turns’ to pay but she gets out of it and then when you pay for her she leaves half a plate of food. It makes me sick as I am wasting my salary on food to go in the bin. I don’t know why people always want to catch up over expensive meals.

What do I say?

Say you want to pay separately in future

Tell her with prices rising you'd be pushed to afford a cup of coffee, so not able to eat out.

Convienently 'forget' to bring your wallet/card

I think suggesting a drink might be a good solution. I’d be tempted to suggest a coffee instead so she isn’t going to order something like a bottle of wine.

I am fed up of being disrespected and her using the low income as an excuse. I’m not exactly on a high income.

If she is on a low income, why is she suggesting a meal at an expensive restaurant?

Good that you’ll be going for a drink instead but make sure you don’t get dragged into doing rounds!

As for her ‘making you pay’, don’t waste time negotiating with terrorists; when the bill comes, simply work out your half, and say directly to the waiter, ‘we’ll be splitting this, my share is X’ and she’ll have no other option but to pay the rest. Tbh if you have to approach a meet up like this, the ‘friendship’ sounds dead in the water, so why force it?

Go, eat and then say you're 'popping to the loo' when the bill is about to come but actually leave the restaurant.

Then she'll have to pay the whole bill herself. When she contacts you to complain, tell her you've deducted your share from the amount she already owed you, which is now ££ rather than £££.

Then block her on everything.

I don't think OP has anything to apologise for, but in my experience some people just won't accept a point blank :no'. It's certainly worth a try but often it important to rehearse the polite reason why in advance so as to be prepared given the reason(s) , but able to shut the conversation down.

Obviously if OP is the personality type that doesn't mind being rude and/or losing the friends/acquaintance, then OP could be as blunt as she likes, but I got the impression she wants to decline assertively but politely .

Because she’s not paying 🤣

• "I'm not keen on the menu, so will pass."
• "I'm not keen on the food there, but we could go somewhere else like (place your suggestions)"
• I would also set a new boundary going forward by saying "From now on, we will pay for ourselves. I think it's much better this way."

Please don't let people take advantage of you!

Say you’ve looked at the menu and you don’t fancy it / it’s too expensive or both

Just say you’re not interested in that restaurant as it’s not your kind of thing also you’re watching the pennies so can we do coffee instead

I now always pay for myself. Going out with my Book Group (all of them wealthy retired apart from me) they all pay for themselves. So this has normalised it for me to refuse to split the bill in with other friends and also normally refuse to let people pay for me, and I only offer to pay for them if I'm feeling generous (it does happen!) and with no expectation of them returning the favour. Start now. Only pay for yourself, tell her that in advance, and decline to go somewhere if you don't fancy it.

Say no thanks, not my type of food.

How does she make you pay? What tactic does she use?

What cuisine is this restaurant she’s suggested? Curious to know what the disgusting food is.

Id just tell her you don’t fancy that restaurant if it’s not the kind of food you like. Suggest an alternative restaurant and say up front “I paid for the takeaway last time so this is your treat, yeah? Or happy to start bill splitting from now.”

Just tell hwr money is tight and you cant afford to go out at the moment

"Hi, I won't be able to do this right now, but for future I will only be able to go out for dinner with you if we get seperate checks. Thanks for understanding!"

If you dont like the food. "No thank you, I dont like the food there"

If you dont like her taking advantage "Seperate bills please"/"can we just pay half each please?" Directed to the staff or "Sure but we will just pay for ourselves" to her

If you dont like her "no thanks"

Tell her that you can't afford it. Not much she can say to that aside from offering to pay herself, and that's clearly not going to happen! Cheeky cow!

Simply say, NO THANK YOU.

Either say no or go 50/50!

I really can't understand how you are "made to pay". Bill comes, you say "could we pay halves", you pay yours and leave her to it?

Also, why go if you dont like the food?

It all sounds massively weird. Does she have something on you? Blackmail?

No thanks, I don't like the menu. Just so you're aware, in future if we go out, I'll be asking for separate bills so it's fair.

No one can make you pay, tell the waiter you'll be paying for your own food at the start. Restaurants are used to splitting bills.

Assert yourself. She will take advantage of you if you let her. She's not really much of a friend is she?

"I would go somewhere else I like and only if we each pay for our own food" - maybe practice saying this in front of the mirror