A friends husband is calling me

[littlelongstockings]

I am friends with a lady from our children’s school, we have been friends for about 2 years. We meet up once every few months with the children and her husband always comes along too.

A week or so ago her husband private messaged me on Facebook asking how my “solo weekend” was going as he knew I had the weekend to myself and also talking about a famous family member of mine. I didn’t think too much in to it and ended the conversation quite quickly. Thisafternoon he called me on facebook 3 times in a row, I didn’t answer but messaged back asking if all was okay and if he meant to ring me, he said he was just calling for a catch up but he’s busy now and will call again tomorrow to chat.

This is the first time he has spoken to me outside of when we all meet up. Am I right in thinking this is slightly odd? Does he just see me as a friend too? I just don’t think I would ever call my husbands friend 3 times in a row for a catch up.

I’m now worrying if he is being completely innocent and I have taken things out of proportion!

I think it's very suss that he's repeatedly calling you when his wife is out. Contacting his wife was the right thing to do.

No, it's too weird to be completely innocent. You've worked out that he's calling you covertly. He knows he's being intrusive.

I had a similar scenario to this years ago, the only difference was our friendship group was both DHs, plus myself and the other wife. Every time we were alone, he would make a pass - he even put his hand high up on my thigh under a restaurant table.

I kept quiet for a long time because I naively didn’t want to rock the boat and ruin the dynamic. There was even talk of us all going abroad together and sharing a villa. The thought of fending the other DH all holiday so concerned me I finally told my DH and we cooled the relationship by backing off.

Clearly the wife was confused why we did this and in order to cover his own backside, her DH told her that the ending of the friendship had been his doing as I had been coming on to him! She even came around when I was out to inform my DH about my “evil intentions” regarding her husband.

Thank goodness my DH trusted and believed me, otherwise the consequences of my misplaced loyalty and attempts to protect her could have had a very serious impact on my own relationship.

I think the advice about messaging her and asking is everything ok as he’s been trying to contact is excellent. These creeps rely on your politeness and the assumption you won’t say anything. If it is genuinely innocent or a misunderstanding, no one will mind. If it isn’t, you’ve made your position very clear.

I know what you mean but he's already muddied the waters. It's a damned if you do, damned if you don't (tell her) situation. You've done the right thing in telling your friend but be prepared for the fact that she'll side with him if push comes to shove. Sorry if I've missed it but do you have a partner yourself? If so, have you told them?

I wonder what her reply will be

I’d be very surprised if it’s innocent, strong possibility that he has done this before.

@MintyBadger1975 Yes I have a DH and I told him straight away, even showed him the messages/phone calls

What were DH's thoughts on the matter?

@MintyBadger1975At first he thought maybe he just wanted to chat more as friends but then after thinking about it for a while he thought it was a bit strange! DH is the least jealous person I know.

Interesting that he's a good deal older than you. Is his wife same age as you or him?

You are right to give his wife a heads up like this. Makes it clear you won't keep anything secret, puts your boundaries there and eaves him no wiggle room.

Him calling over and over while she is out doing the school run is very ick.

You've done the right thing.
(I am also autistic, hate phone calls and second guess all my decisions!)

@Blondeshavemorefun What if she thinks it’s completely normal and I’ve made myself look like a fool

He's 100% cracking on to you.

I had this with a dad at the school gate. He lived in the same village and suddenly wanted to be my best mate, messaging me loads and trying to arrange meet-ups. I didn't say anything to his wife, just blocked him, but soon realised he was trying it on with loads of women. I'd thought he and his wife were pretty close until that point but they abruptly separated, she got a restraining order and last I heard he was living on a boat and trying his luck on all the dating apps.

It's not normal OP, she'll probably be mortified and glad you told her. Don't worry.

You need to stop doing this.
It is not normal that he turns up at your meet ups. He’s a lot older than you as well in that it’s not like you were at school together.
He is calling you clearly without his wife’s knowledge when she is out.
And finally…. you may lose your friend over this I am afraid. A lot of women know the behaviour is wrong but shoot the messenger.
But she still needed to be told.
He has ruined everything the pervy little prick.

I told him that I was sorry if I’d given him the wrong impression but I wasn’t interested. He apologised, claimed he was drunk. Over the next couple of years he tried messaging me hello late at night a couple of times. I always waited til the next day to respond and ask if everything was ok with him and L (his wife). When he inevitably ended up messaging me more than “hello” one night I told him to leave me alone and blocked him. Months and months later I suddenly got a message from him on another platform… very forward and telling me he wanted to see me, he missed seeing me around (they’d moved away) and he regretted that he hadn’t spoken to me before he was married… i had heard a few weeks earlier that he and his wife were expecting their first child. I went fucking nuts at him. Told him to grow up, man up and start acting like a decent husband and father. Told him that i was absolutely not interested in him, that my being polite to him was not a come on and that even if I was interested, I’m not a homewrecker and would not consider someone with children or a pregnant spouse anyway. Told him he was at a turning point in his life and marriage - if he carried on like this his wife would find out, he would lose her and he’d likely lose his child too. I then said if I ever heard anything from him ever again, even just “hi” I would tell his wife everything and send her screenshots of our entire conversation. That was around 10 years ago now and I’ve never heard a peep since. I don’t even know if they’re still together. I hope my words got through to him and he decided to take his responsibilities seriously… but I doubt it.

With men like him, being polite doesn’t work. The problem is, if you shut him down immediately he will gaslight you and make out he was just being friendly, you’ve got it all wrong etc. But that is the only way to stop it going too far.

The other option, OP, is message your friend and ask if she tried to call you from her husbands phone as you had a number of missed calls from him and assumed it had to be her as why would he be calling you?

It's not normal. And so your friend is either going to go into denail and will never speak to you again as the bad guy (or he'll tell her you're making it up/getting it wrong and she'll choose to believe him), or this is goign to drop a bomb into their marriage.

🚩 Men who go after women young enough to be their daughters are creeps.

OP then risks him bringing the block up in person next time she is seeing his wife.

@MagicUser1I have the whole conversation and missed calls on my Facebook messenger! Plus I took screenshots just incase.

It is not completely normal for your friend's husband to call you six times over two days for a catch up. I think the only time my friends husbands have ever called me have been when the wives have had a baby abd they were passing n the news, when their kids are at my house or something, when we're all friends and they've asked him to message me while she's busy doing something else or something that I can specifically help them with related to my job. I am friends with lots of my friend's husband but not to the extent they go ringing me up or messaging me.

Swinging couples would surely have the woman broach the topic with a potential playmate?

Haven't read the full thread.

Has someone suggested he just wants to be friends and men and women can be friends and you're being ridiculous?

Because it took me longer to learn than it should but I have never been contacted out of the blue by another woman's husband when it's turned out that all he was after was a bit of good old fashioned friendship.

If he's looking for a friend, he can find one outside of his wife's friendship group.

I have my own male friends (some of whom are married) but, nowadays, I only ever speak to a friend's husband in a group chat with his wife too because it has never turned out to be innocent in the past.

Oh, Missed this.

Definitely dodgy then. No shadow of a doubt.

Is she also 20 years older than you?

If so, she will know exactly what he is doing. She might shoot the messenger to protect herself. But she'll know.