DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Ownership of youngest dog - did you say you bought him/her from a friend ?
A proper friend ? of yours ? if so I would think she can vertify that she sold the dog to you.

I wonder whether he will change his mind about never working for someone else again now he has to support himself!

I’m having the locks changed and the microchip people will contact my ex directly. He verbally agreed to sign pup over to me, so we’ll see if he responds to them. Pup is registered to me at the vets (I’ve paid all of the bills) and I pay his insurance. I’ve got both of them now, and that’s the main thing. I really think that he knew that his actions yesterday would cause me distress and then he completely gaslit me and said I was overreacting. I didn’t think he was capable of doing something like that and MN definitely called it!

I had a good old cry this afternoon, but I’m feeling okay. Rationally I know that if he’d stayed until I went on holiday he would’ve been ignoring me and the atmosphere would’ve been horrible. I’ll amazed if I ever hear from him again.

I know that DS and I will be fine. He was often engaged in his hobbies over the weekends so I think that will be too hard for me to get used to. I won’t miss worrying about his financial instability or his narrative that I’m a rubbish partner every time I tried to bring up my concerns.

It was a horrible ending but I accept that I will never get closure and my DS won’t get a goodbye.

Yes I have all the correspondence. I was going to pick him up myself, but something came up and there was a last minute change to plan

It was a horrible ending but I accept that I will never get closure and my DS won’t get a goodbye.

I think the concept of 'closure' is overrated. Besides, in this situation you already have closure, which to me means knowing why a thing has happened. You knew the relationship needed to end and you already knew why it needed to end. It needed to end because he is a user, he treated you abysmally, and you were tired of it. And if you feel that closure is speaking your piece, you already did that, many times. All to no avail.

So don't feel a regret about closure. Just feel relief that he's gone and you have your life back.

Just to give you perspective OP. I’ve ran my own business for 15 years and I speak to a lot of business owners.

The least successful ones have a partner that has a job and they know they’ll always have a roof over their heads and never go hungry.

The most successful ones have zero safety net. If they don’t earn the money, they don’t pay their mortgage.

I’m the latter, but I had to work 60-80 hour weeks. Evening and weekends were about work or learning about the work. It is an obsession and something I enjoy (although the years I put in paid off before I had DC).

It doesn’t sound like your partner is grafting this hard? He’s sounds very comfortable.

I have never said the line ‘I could never work for someone else’ there’s an arrogance to it from self employed people that quite frankly shows they’ve never had their backs against the wall and has to make money. I’ve come very close to doing it (and to be honest, many times thought I was the idiot for not doing as paid holidays, sick pay, pension and regular salary is much better!)

You’re amazing. There is no doubt you’ll look back at this with relief.

He didn’t even say goodbye to DS? That’s cold. Maybe he knew that DS would confront him about younger dog.

Out with the cocklodger. He won’t go easily.

Where’s your son in all this?

In your shoes I’d book a fabulous holiday for you and your son - with just a fraction of the pennies that you’ll be saving by not being with this unemployed Walter Mitty

That’s a deeply unpleasant way to behave. Have you checked that he has only taken things that belong to him?

One of my abusive exes packed a couple of “incidental” things which were mine, “by accident” - a plate and a wooden spatula- but he knew they were my favourite ones and he was vile when I took them back. He accused me of being petty and obsessed with petty things- as if he hadn’t taken my things just to spite me. Among other stuff.

Anyway, I hope yours has taken only what’s his and that he gives you a clean break.

Sorry you need to put this one back where you found him!

Can you say “I don’t want to work for anyone ever again”?

Of course not, you have a child and the need to put a roof over yourselves so… don’t enable him to be a cocklodger, whatever money he is not earning, it is money you are taking from your child and his future by subsidising a man who, looking at his attitude, possibly deserved to be fired.

He's very likely to meet someone else very quickly. She will have a version of events sold to her, which she will fall for hook line and sinker.
It'll be Loves Middle Aged Dream.
He'll be fine, but you'll be better.

That is so true. I imagine she’ll be wowed by his entrepreneurial self, until she realises he’ll be a leech.

I'm a retired psychotherapist who started out in marriage counselling/couples work.

When I was in practice different values with regards to money management were the single most common problem I saw. They caused more friction than different approaches to child care and infidelity.

Problems like that can be resolved but like any problem to solve the problem things have to change. He doesn't want to change - and why should he? He's got a cushy little number living off the back of your hard work.

You clearly don't want to change either and quite rightly so. Your financial security is hard earned and matters to you.

IMO, he could be the nicest man in the world (although he doesn't sound it), but your financial values and work ethic are completely incompatible.

ETA - well done on making the break OP. I hope your exams went well. Have a great holiday.

Thank you for your insight. We went to relationship counselling for a brief time before the relationship ended. After about four sessions he said he didn’t want to go again because he had nothing left to discuss. He had a pattern of emotionally withdrawing (he didn’t like me calling it stonewalling) for days following a disagreement. He got a lot better with that, and would send me a message to indicate that he wanted to resolve it in the next few days. We never got as far as talking about his financial/work situation.

It was interesting to see how much he minimised things, like saying he ‘doesn’t really’ see his mum often. They’d been no contact for two years by that point. That was a valuable insight for me.

I was also unhappy that I ended up paying for the sessions and had to ask for half of it later down the line. I felt that it was for ‘our’ relationship and therefore should be a joint expense.

So what was his alternative proposal? Did he expressly say it is to carry on living off you?

I’m guessing that was implicit by his unwillingness to get a job. Op had the ‘get a job’ talk six months ago, and, with no improvement in his business, repeated it recently. I think Op did say he was living of savings, but they can’t last for ever.

He seeks out relationships that are useful and discards those that aren’t. He must of felt very threatened in couple counselling because anyone digging deep into his mind would soon find out he doesn’t care for anyone but himself. Everyone close eventually realises his love, concern and care he shows is a facade whilst he uses them and moves on as soon as he is found out.

He dis work on it every day, but definitely not the 60 hour working weeks that you describe. He initially said that he wanted a ‘lifestyle business’. Saw himself travelling and running meetings somewhere hot and sunny. When I ended it, he said that he’d been setting something up for ‘us’ that he would eventually be able sell for enough money to provide a good life for us and his DC. I think he really believed what he was saying, but I wasn’t willing to risk my future security.

I don’t know what he’ll do now. If he wants any hope of meeting a woman that will meet his exacting standards (both in terms of looks and financial stability) he’ll probably get another job so that he can rent somewhere that fits with his image of being a capable man. Otherwise I guess he’ll be renting someone’s spare room, building his ‘business empire’ from there

Well done, OP.

It’s so refreshing to see a thread by a woman who’s made sure she and her DC are financially secure. And who has the strength to assertively and decisively end a relationship that isn’t working for her, despite guilt-tripping of being ‘unsupportive’. And pass exams in the midst of it all.

Thank goodness you didn’t buy a home together!

It’s much better for him that you ended it now (while he still has £25k) rather than prolonging the inevitable and asking him to leave when he’d exhausted all his savings.

Enjoy your holiday 💐

Why does he have no assets of his own to bring to the table after years in a corporate career?

The last 18 months since he was made redundant is only a small part of the picture.

Glad he’s out of your house and out of your life. Onwards and upwards.

you should have mentioned all this in your OP

So even money aside - the man is a twat and the relationship was circling the drain