DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Hoping he hasn’t managed to worm his way back @BeLimeTiger

I see that you say he’s NC with his parents, not close to his siblings and has the grand total of just one friend in his life. That in itself is a red flag so in future Op (of you do kick this prince out) if a man is liked by one person and one person only in the world - probably wise to give him a wide berth.

Yesterday was awful. When I got back from work, all of his belongings were gone (including clothes, laptop, documents and passport) and so was the young dog. The old dog was at home alone. He didn’t answer his phone or respond to my messages for an hour. He eventually strolled in and acted like I made a fuss out of nothing. He said that he had put the last of his things in the spare room. I took the dogs to and went to stay at a friends house for the night. I told him that he needed to be gone by the time I got home today. His keys to the house were on the table when I got back today. No break ups are nice, but this one was genuinely horrible.

It will get better from now on. Change the locks and focus on taking care of yourself and son XX when you feel up to it block his number.

I’m so sorry that he has behaved in this way. Do you now have both dogs?

I guess, one positive is that he has gone quickly. I would still change the locks even though he has left his key. You don’t know whether he has had a copy made.

Hope you are ok?

How nasty of him to panic you like that!

Good riddance though.

Agree with change the locks. That should be done ASAP.

He could well come back when the consequences of his decisions start to hit home.

Honestly, I keep thinking of " I’ll basically be a lonely old dog lady who will always regret my decision not to cheerlead his dreams"

That really says SO much about this bloke - he thinks he's a Prize and that women are gagging to be with him. The hubris is massive.

Really sorry this has been so hard snd horrible for you💐
Try to focus on the fact that hes gone now, you have your home and your dogs and your son, you have life to live on your own terms again.
Hope you can plan some lovely things for yourself over the next few weeks.

I hope you have both dogs back with you now. Like others have said, change your locks asap. You’ve done really well to deal with him, his vitriol & pass your exams. Here’s to a calmer, happier future 😊

Ignore the fact he left his key - change the locks
He could have a copy and knows your routine and holiday

Apologies, I'm late to the party and haven't read all your posts yet. But I still have to say WOW at this: I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive)

Who the hell does he think he is!

I now see you have moved on considerably and I'm so pleased! Even from your OP I was thinking wtf, how dare he!

What a nasty horrible man he is to take the younger dog to panic you like that.
Glad you got your little dog back.
Thank goodness you don't have to co-parent with him.
Hopefully the worst is over now.
You washed that man right out of your hair... and you can look forward to a peaceful October break with your lovely DS.
And when you return... no more nonsense to put up with from the Non Entrepreneur of the Year.

What a prick scaring you like that with younger dog not being there. Arsehole. That really speaks to his character that he would do that to purposely scare you and upset you and upset DS. Get those chip details changed by your vet like somebody suggested.

Please change the locks. He’s probably had a spare set of keys cut. I almost guarantee it.

You’ve done the hardest part and got the cocklodger out of your house. Now to redecorate and start having your clients to your house.

Holy cow, other posters called it with the dog-napping.

Good news - he's got it in his head you are done, OP, and has packed his stuff.
However - lock changes ASAP! Especially if he still has post coming to your address. You don't want him sneaking in if you are out, or worse still, IN! My car was in for repairs and my ex came in to the house while I was there.

Onwards!! Upwards!! You can see now his true colours and you could have been stuck with this for years!

He didn’t even have the decency to admit he’d been taking the piss and talk about sorting himself out by getting a full time job. What a complete prick making you think he had took the young dog. I’m so sorry OP you must feel very disappointed in finding out his true character.

The great news is you’re free from the cock lodger, like others have said I’d change your locks. You must be feeling relieved and sadness, you thought he was a better man than he was. You have your house back, if it were me in your shoes I’d think about redecorating my bedroom. I’d clean through the house and declutter to claim it back. Anything he left behind I would stick on vinted or give to charity.

Don't be surprised if further down the line (when he is back on his feet) if he behaves like a dick and asks for the younger dog back, just to mess with your head. 😠

Is the younger dog still chipped with his contact details?

Hope you're okay OP. 🫂
Deffo change the locks 🔒
@BeLimeTiger

He's gone. That's all that matters for now.

Stay firm OP and get those locks changed.

You really need written evidence that the dog is yours- i can see him coming back a year from now and claiming otherwise. I'm not sure how you would do it, I understand with loans they will accept texts showing it was lent rather than given but this situation is more complex. Hopefully someone will have an idea.

As previously said, change the locks. He’s just being horrible now because he can.

He's gone and that is great.
I think he showed his colours, a user loser.
You are so well rid.

Locks changed as the highest priority and see if you can get that chip changed.

Sometimes men like this can go in a flourish but return like a bad smell, thinking their absence will be missed.

Take firm action now so you are prepared.
You have done so well.

What a horrible man to scare you like that by taking the dog. I'm so glad that he is gone. Please change the locks for your own safety because you don't know if he had another set made or not.

First priority, change your locks and if you don't have a doorbell camera, get one.

Then you can call the vet about changing the microchip to your name. I'd also block him everywhere and start putting not at this address if you keep getting mail for him.

Taking the young dog was his power play to make you feel bad. It's not like he has anywhere he can take the dog. It was just an asshole move to show you.

I think @SpryCat 's idea of decluttering your bedroom and changing it around is a good one. Clear out those bad vibes.

I would also consider a Ring doorbell, if you do not already have one. If you do already have one, ensure that he no longer has access to the feed.

Also change any passwords to accounts that he may know.

It’s really horrible but he’s done you a massive favour. Change the locks on every door. Ring doorbell. Deep clean. Deep breath.