DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Yes. And this just goes to show that he was always capable of stepping up and doing it, he just didn't think he needed to bother.

I’ve appreciated all of the support on here so very much! I’m doing okay, the grief just comes in waves. My parents are leaving tomorrow. They’re quite doddery now, but it’s been lovely to see them.

I’ve not heard from my ex, other than to say that he’s coming back on Sunday. My siblings and friends have been amazing- especially my sister. She sets the record straight if I ever have a wobble!

Congratulations on passing your exams @BeLimeTiger. Please tell your ex to GFTO sooner than a few weeks time. Sunday sounds good. Email/message him. Pack his shit, have a friend or two with you, and don’t let him in when he returns. Preferably have at least one male friend with you in case he gets violent.

If your dogs use daycare or kennels or anything like that make sure you revoke his permission to collect the dogs from them. I wouldn’t put it past him to try to take them while you and DS are away on holiday. Let your vet know too. Are their microchips up to date with your details?

This is the only sight issue… he collected the younger dog with my DS and filled out the microchip paperwork. I’m pretty sure he put in his own name, not sure if mine is even on there. The dog was a few hundred pounds from a friend, paid jointly. He ‘s not an expensive pedigree, but ex knows how much the dogs mean to me and DS. He’s registered under my name at the vets and I pay for his insurance.

I don’t think ex would want him, but he could definitely use this situation to be a bit of a dick if he wanted to.

To add… I don’t think he’d take the older dog, he didn’t like him in his car because he was so big and furry. I think the dogs will be a non-issue really, both require a lot of commitment and expense

Please ask him to change younger dog’s chip to your details. Hopefully you’ll never need to rely on his chip but if he got lost then it would be ex who would be contacted to collect him. I wouldn’t trust him to give him back. Maybe try to appeal to any part of him that cares about DS and how much DS loves the dog. He’ll probably want to be paid for his half of the purchase fee. I’d pay it once your vet confirms the change of details.

Ownership of pets is not defined by the microchip, there are different factors like who pays for ongoing costs.

He filled in the paperwork, but did he set up an online account after? Ask the dog friend for help and you may be able to sort it without your ex's help. Transfers can be sorted online, you don't need to go to the vet.

Have a read here for if he really gets difficult
https://raydensolicitors.co.uk/blog/who-keeps-the-dog/

Don't take the bait. He will be looking for any way he can stick it to you as pay back for daring to dump his sorry ass.

He's coming back on Sunday to collect his stuff. That's all. (He may not be aware of this yet, but tough.)

Your house. Your rules. And if he gives you one ounce of trouble, don't hesitate to call the police. Sometimes it's the only language that men understand.

Don't mention the dog unless he brings it up. Otherwise he'll know it's an issue he can instrumentalise against you. And he WILL then do this.

Do check out the site PP mentioned so that you immediately know what to say: eg

You: "It's DS's dog."
Him: "I paid for the microchip."
You: "We paid for the dog jointly. I have since paid for the dog's care and I have the receipts. In the eyes of the law, that makes him my legal responsibility. I am also in a stable housing situation, which is better for the dog."

https://raydensolicitors.co.uk/blog/who-keeps-the-dog/

I ran the question into Gemini. It helps that you're not married -

In English and Welsh law, dogs are classified strictly as personal property (chattels) under the Sale of Goods Act 1979. Unlike child custody disputes, family courts and civil courts do not determine pet ownership based on who is the "better" owner or who has the most stable home, but rather on legal ownership.

When legal ownership is disputed between joint buyers, courts evaluate a combination of financial evidence, registration details, and day-to-day care. Based on the facts provided, Party B holds a significantly stronger case for full legal ownership.

Key Evidence Breakdown
Initial Purchase Joint purchase / initial receipt
HIGH EVIDENCE
Suggests an initial joint ownership or 50/50 shared title at the point of acquisition.
Microchip Microchip database record (paid by Party A)
LOW-MODERATE EVIDENCE
Since April 2016, microchipping is a legal requirement, but microchip databases state explicitly that registration is proof of keeper status, not proof of legal ownership.
Ongoing Financial Support Vet bills, insurance policies, food, equipment (paid by Party B)
HIGH EVIDENCE
Courts look at who assumed primary financial responsibility over time. Sole payment of maintenance and care strongly supports sole ownership.
Veterinary & Insurance Records Registered owner on vet files and insurance policies (Party B)
HIGH EVIDENCE
Being the named account holder on essential lifetime contracts demonstrates key acts of ownership and management.

Legal Outcomes & How Courts Decide

1. Sole Ownership Awarded to Party B: Because Party B has consistently paid all ongoing expenses (vet bills, routine healthcare, insurance) and is the named party on official veterinary and insurance contracts, courts often rule that Party A transferred or abandoned their interest to Party B, or that Party B acted as the true sole owner in practice.
2. Reimbursement / Buyout: If a court determines that the original joint purchase created a strict 50/50 joint ownership, Party A may be entitled to a financial reimbursement (half of the initial purchase price or microchip cost), but Party B is almost always permitted to retain physical possession of the dog while reimbursing Party A.
3. Divorce vs. Unmarried Separation:
4. Unmarried / Civil Dispute (Small Claims / County Court): Courts stick strictly to property law principles (receipts, contracts, financial contributions).
5. Divorce / Matrimonial Proceedings: Family court judges have broader discretion under financial remedy proceedings to consider animal welfare, practical housing stability, and primary caregiving roles when allocating personal assets.

If it was me I would keep referencing the dog as your son's dog.
All the time.
YOU pay the costs because it is your son's dog.

Keep the narrative crystal clear on that.

Any bullshit from him and it is him spitefully taking your son's dog to get at you.

Clear language.
Do not mention the dog at all in any way.
Why would you bring it up at all?

It's your son's dog.
If he attempts to bring up the dog, be shocked, appalled and confused.

It's your son's dog.

Sounds like it’s best to say nothing about the dog or microchip if legally you’d be classed as the owner @BeLimeTiger. Still, I’d probably have dogs stay elsewhere when it’s time for him to leave so he can’t take the younger dog.

Having a dog with him could restrict his housing options.
Congratulations on your exam results.

Didn't the utter dickhead refer to you @BeLimeTiger saying you would be a sad dog lady?

Thereby he himself has referred to you as the person who looks after the dogs in your household. And identifying himself as some carefree cool guy, not burdened by dog care issues.

I know that's not legal evidence (and great advice by @LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta BTW) but it's always fun to quote someone's own assertions right back to them.

Out of sight, out of mind as far as the dogs are concerned and great point pps made about making sure the kennel or dog care person knows he's not allowed to collect them whilst you are on holiday.

Enjoy the weekend, you are working through all the headaches and will soon be able to put this all behind you. x

Have you told your parents?

Go to your vets where you are the registered owner
get chip removed
new one inserted
your details

@BeLimeTiger

I’ve not heard from my ex, other than to say that he’s coming back on Sunday.

Sooo, is there a reason why you have to let him back in? I mean, you aren't married and it's your house. You could always just say "You will need to stay elsewhere when you return on Sunday and we can make arrangements for you to pick up your belongings".

I know an emergency locksmith to change the locks before he gets home will be expensive, and maybe I'm a bitch, but that's what I'd do. You're going to play merry hell to get him out as it is, so may as well do it now, when he's already gone.

Moreover, he's just swanned off this weekend without any thought re the dogs I would bet

e. I paid for our last holiday and I said that if he wanted to come he’d need to pay his way.

and did he @BeLimeTiger ?

Think of it like that…. Every penny spent on him, is a penny that could be spent or saved for your son

Apparently, there are You Tube videos which tell you how to do it yourself.. You just change the barrels.. At least that is according to Mums Net collective wisdom. If you put a picture of the lock into Google search, it will tell you the right lock to get (B &Q) and how to install it video
But if your Dads there, and if he's handy with a screwdriver, maybe he could do it.

If you have upvc door, it is surprisingly easy to change the barrel with just a screwdriver.
only issue is making sure you get the right sized replacement.

we had to take ours out, measure it, put it back in, lock up, run to B&Q and then change it!!

My vet just changed the details with the chip register as I was obviously the owner/keeper/carer of dogs. I took them to vets, paid bills, collected prescriptions, cried when one was really sick and they lived with me.

Exactly
so @BeLimeTiger should do that. On Monday.

Has he shuffled in yet @BeLimeTiger ?

Thinking of you @BeLimeTiger