DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

You have to think of you and your son’s safety, you don’t know how he could react behind closed doors now because he doesn’t care you have ended the relationship @BeLimeTiger he only cares about maintaining his image and he will feel humiliated (his archilles heel!) that he is a loser for all to see. All those years of earnings lots of money, spending more than he earns and then probably ending up penniless on his friend’s couch is more than his ego can take. He is angry and blames you so if I were you I’d pick my safety and that of my child’s over being nice and fair.

I understand that he never wants to do it again

That’s fine as long as he can can fund it himself! It’s not a justification for expecting someone else to pay for his life

Some of the con-type ones seem to. But yes not a proper business led networking event.

Yes me too. Astonishingly quickly. I do think men compartmentalise far more than I ever realised. This "skill" seems to allow them to cut and run.

He really has treated your place like a doss house hasn't he. What a prince among men.

OP, please text him that you are now reducing his exit time to a week.

I mean this kindly, but his disrespect for you is off the scale.

He really believes he can treat you like shit and live in your home.

You need him out.
Don't allow your son to witness him treat you like this.

You can do this.

Your Mum and Dad are staying for a week, aren't they ?

Is he really going to return on Sunday, whilst you are at work and your Mum and Dad are there ?!!!

That is going to be so awkward for them.

he needs to be moving out this coming week, at the latest.

Actually @BeLimeTiger , given what you've said about his behaviour towards you at the gym, and your worry he might do this in front of your son... I think he's used up all his time and favours now.

Change the locks now, whilst he is away and let him know he can only collect with pre arranged permission ( so that you can have someone else there) also he's his own boss (apparently) so his time is his own to get this done. You shouldn't have to wait around for him to decide when collection day is or turn up without warning.

He doesn't deserve to be allowed to let himself into your home unsupervised, whilst you are at work on Sunday and do whatever he likes. I think that would be enormously stressful for you.

He is displaying too much animosity, contempt and acting too much like you have cheated him out of what he feels he was owed. He's nursing such a strong sense of irrational grievance, that you are thwarting his rightful business plans, that I think you'd be so much better off if this was the very last contact you have with him. (And get advice about all the credit check/ business address side of things - if you own your home put a check on the property register, its free)

Who cares what he says about this now? He's already trash talking you to his one friend because of his unfounded sense of grievance. You tried to do this in a civil reasonable manner and look what thanks you got for that.

I'd even consider putting all his stuff in storage (paid for minimum time) and send him the key. Then you can avoid any further unpleasantness.

In anycase, I hope you have a good week with your parents and are looking forward to your half term break.

Have you told your parents now what’s going on? You really should. You’ll be very likely and reasonably distracted

Your DS is 10 and all he was concerned about was the dogs…. That is very telling OP about how he felt about this man in his home.

Absolutely-that is not on-he needs to leave asap.

The cheek of him saying this to you and the cheek of him blanking you in your own home. You’ve definitely made the right decision, even if it feels tough. Also, well done on passing your exams with all this going on.

I'm glad you're leaving him as he sounds pretty awful and, well, yes, a cocklodger.

But I kinda have some sympathy for him here?! I mean imagine your long-term partner sends you a formal email evicting you from the home, and then tries to make friendly chat with you at the gym 😅 I don't think I'd want to talk to them either!!

Personally, I don't think you'd have been a pushover by allowing him to stay a bit longer while he finds somewhere else to live. Presumably he's not abusive or a nasty person, just a hopeless partner. I think MN can be a little overly harsh with their advice on things like this. This is, after all, a man you have claimed to love for several years.

You are being far too reasonable and.obliging, nothing wrong with that when it is reciprocated, which it obviously isn't. This is not going to be a pretty ending no matter when it happens, so why not just rip off the plaster and start to move forward instead of this stalemate situation. You are going to have to force his hand because this will drag on as he intends it to.

You need to change the locks sooner rather than just before your hols. And have some friends with you when you tell him. Pack his stuff up. Tell him to leave. Big girl pants. You have done so well. Just this final push. Courage! 💪🏻

He has shown you exactly who he is.

Pack up all his stuff. Tell him that his refusal to even acknowledge you in the gym has demonstrated loud and clear that he can no longer remain in your house. Say his belongings will be ready for collection upon his return.

Make sure you are present when this happens and tell him to check that he has everything and confirm that it is all in good order. Record it. Make sure his keys are returned at the same time.

If he starts up about "where am I supposed to go?" tell him he should have thought about that before blanking you and remind him that you broke up with him and that his life is his responsibility.

Agree with this.☝️ 💯

He blanked you in the gym?
But will still expect to stay in YOUR house?

But where will he go?
He has one friend doesnt he, who I imagine has also got a couch for him to sleep on. 🤔

Or there are hotels, B&B's or even his grown-up DCs flats.

Either way it's NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
He has over stayed him welcome.
GET RID ASAP! 😠

Change the locks 🔑
Bag up his stuff 🧳
Pop it all in the shed 🏚
Email or text and let him know. 🖕

Don't give him more time to disrespect you further.
Best of luck OP. @BeLimeTiger

I agree that the op has likely been too reasonable and obliging. I have fallen into this trap myself, in my view it tends to happen because when the man becomes belligerent it's difficult not to feel intimidated and possibly slightly afraid; you are facing an angry person who can easily physically overpower you and who you know blames you for the problems in his life. It's difficult not to default into appeasement!
That I think is how we end up unwittingly subordinating ourselves to men and making it too easy to for them to dominate and exploit us.

How’s things today OP? Glad you at least have your folks there.

I'm sure the OP has loved him for the several years they have been together, but then he jacked his job in, refused to work for anyone else ever again, hasn't earned a penny for the last six months and expects the OP to house and fund him for the rest of his days. Without her agreement.

Well done op for following through and not having his anger overwhelm you. Now your priority is taking care if your son, not a man child. I imagine the decline was all very gradual, so difficult to realise until you were posting here.

Has he given any indication of when he's moving out, or what plans he's making to move out yet? I take it from your posts that he has not.
Essentially, you've ended the relationship, and it's your house - so he should be making plans right now, urgently.
In my 20s, I was engaged to a man and we rented a flat together. When I ended things, he was upset, but offered to move out straight away. He was v decent about things. Moved out the next day, and came back for his stuff 2 days later, while I was at work. Left me a rather nice, heartfelt farewell letter. So decent - perhaps I should have married him ha ha! But for soul-searching reasons only known to my 20-something self, I felt I just couldn't.
My point is, the way he's treating you - blanking you, about to drag his feet on the moving out, probably lay more guilt trips on you etc - is showing you the man he is.
While I wouldn't expect him to be happy about losing his relationship/home, I also wouldn't expect a man like this to go easily or nicely. Just grit your teeth and get though it - it'll soon be over. Every time he's horrible or blanks you, just confirms the decision you've made is the right one. The 'nice man' was a mask - it was transactional, based on you providing him a place to live.

You're right these people are just talking scary scenarios that aren't going to happen

I was married to my cocklodger. I ended up having to turn off the utilities to get him out of my house but other than that he left

Amazingly after he had been on the dole for a while (Australia) Centrelink found him a job and he's been at that job ever since. So after his years of cocklodging claiming he couldn't work for someone else amazingly when he had to pay his own way he found a job quickly or they found it for him and he had to show up
Focus on your exams first and then get him out of your house

He has such a double standard....you are expected to cheer lead his career ambitions but he would not tolerate you seeing clients in your own home so that you could progress yours.

@BeLimeTiger The rent a room scheme isn’t a minimum. It’s a maximum. Well it was when we used the scheme.

I think he is a nasty person after what he said to OP.

'He’s sticking to his narrative that if I loved him I would have supported and encouraged him through his self employment journey. He said that my DC will stop wanting to hang out with me in a few years and I’ll basically be a lonely old dog lady who will always regret my decision not to cheerlead his dreams.'

She was willing to llet him stay longer before he said this.