DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

My parents are here now. Mum has quite advanced dementia so being here is more like respite for dad. They are so sweet (if a little chaotic) and it’s been a good distraction. I told DS who was mainly concerned about him taking one of the dogs. I reassured him that this would not be the case!

I went to the gym at lunchtime and he was there. I said that I hoped his networking event goes well and he completely blanked me.

I agree that the timeframe I gave was far too generous. I’m not really up for being blanked in my own home for the next three weeks. If he does it in front of my child I will be seething. It doesn’t cost anything not to be a dismissive dickhead.

I think my idea of an adult-like separation was completely unrealistic

Mine kept telling me ‘I’ve done 25 years of corporate life’ as if that’s why I should support him to live out his self employment dreams. I didn’t benefit from any of it, but somehow it was on me to provide unconditional validation and financial cushioning.

Yes I’m afraid that was the case in my first marriage- within a very short space of time I became a ‘non person’ - taught me a lot

When is he due back from this “networking event” (never known a networking event to run over a weekend)

@BeLimeTiger have his stuff packed and ready at the front door, preferably on the doorstep. Outside. In black bags. Or if you’re nice - a couple of burly men friends/relatives to help him (on his way) as soon as he returns.

I’ve done these. But with the structure behind me. Not quite sure how it works if he hasn’t actually set up a business? Maybe he’s just hanging around at one of these hoping that somebody will give him some work. He certainly sounds pretty bonkers so far so maybe he is.

Yes
it will surely be mortifying for him
will probably make up a load of crap
in any event - I honestly can’t think of any networking event arranged over a weekend?!

OP, I haven't read the full thread, but I HAVE read all your posts.

I just wanted to say that it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't want, what he says or doesn't say - you can break up with someone for any reason. He needs to accept that it's over and get out.

The event is one day, but it’s in a nice part of the country so he’s going to stay there for a few nights. He’ll probably come back when I’m at work on Sunday.

Spending money like water
meanwhile doing absolutely nothing about finding somewhere to live

Honestly? You sometimes meet some really bizarre people. I have literally met a couple who are the chief executive of what turned out to be nothing.

I’d be surprised if networking events still go on for the weekend to be fair. But I see from @BeLimeTiger answer that he’s basically just hanging around there for the weekend because it’s a nice place, thank goodness he’s not spending your money!

What are you going to do @BeLimeTiger ? Surely you are not going to allow this man to step foot in your house whilst treating you like something that walked in on the bottom of his shoe! I would text him or email him and say given the way he treated you at the gym you’ve brought the moving date forward. He has 48 hrs. Oh the arrogance of the man!

I agree! He needs to be gone now!

OMG Please. Tell him his things will be packed and he cannot come back, only to collect his things. You have to steel up that spine. And make sure that you are not alone when he comes to get his things.

That’s astonishing. The ‘logic’ there is so completely illogical. Jeez OP. Reiterates you are doing the right thing. He was after a hammock. On him ignoring you at the gym. How childish. Then again the split is potentially all gain for you and all loss for him so feck him.

@JenRummy ”He was after a hammock”

never heard that one before

Agree with the others, the way he's treating you now, he's blown it completely. He's out now. I wouldn't let him back in your home. I'd simply leave his belongings on the doorstep. Change the locks first, then get a front door camera, then let him know he can collect his things.

He isn't a tenant, he isn't a lodger, he's an ex-boyfriend, you owe him nothing, you have no obligation to house him.

He said this whole ‘I’ve done corporate life for 25 years and I’m never doing it again’ stuff all the time. The aversion was so extreme and it was one of the reasons I thought he was losing his grip on reality. He earned a great salary and never worked evenings or weekends.

I honestly wouldn’t want someone like this around my child for even one more day let alone weeksn

I agree with everything you say. I am also concerned for the OP's safety. Never underestimate what a user will do when their sweet deal runs out.

I think if he blanks you again its more than reasonable to say its clear we cannot remain in the same home I need you out in the next couple days or a very very short time frame. He is an adult, he has money, there are hotels and air bnbs, its not your job to house him when you break up.

Could you not bag up his stuff and send him a text today and say due to the animosity and blanking me, I dont think we can live together even for the short term. I have bagged up your stuff for collection, let me know when you are coming by and I will pop your things outside. Then change the locks. If you tell him now it gives him plenty of notice to book a hotel.

He is blanking you because you are no longer useful to him now you won’t sustain his delusions. He will punish you until you make him leave because he believes people are there to be used. He has had 25 years in corporate life and nothing to show for it!

I agree with this. I won’t be blanked in my own home, especially not in front of my child.

Don't give him so long to get out. It's all gone sour now and the sooner it's done and dusted the better. Do you think he's done anything about sorting out somewhere else to live?