DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

7 days notice is plenty.

His ex girlfriend was the same I think. She set herself up as some sort of high end business development guru after doing a six week course. She was a self employed beauty Therapist working from home.

I very much doubt at ALL like his ex. She no doubt had clients!

Heads up for if you ever venture into dating again…. A man who’s NC with his parent, not close to his siblings and there is basically only ONE single person on the planet who actually likes him - avoid!

he had to make a dig about me getting rid of him so I could redecorate and have clients coming to my home

oh I wouldn’t be able to resist:

”all businesses have set up costs”

He’s angry that without you he needs to get a real job to support himself and have to face reality. He is jealous that you have worked hard and have something to show for it whilst he has always squandered his money and has nothing.
I wouldn’t want him near my child now as he has used your child in an argument to make you feel shit and likely to kick off in front of them before he goes. I would pack his stuff and pay for his belongings to be stored for a few weeks and change the locks, I’d then message his and tell him where his belongings are. He can either retrieve them or pay to keep them there longer and move in with his friend.

I’ve sent him an email telling him that he has to leave and take all his stuff with him before I go on holiday. My flight isn’t until the evening so I’ll book in a locksmith at lunchtime.

Now I look back on it, he was always pretty entitled. When I put my rental property on the market he was put out that I hadn’t discussed it with him first. I didn’t even live with him at the time! He also bleated on about how much he’d sacrificed to move in with me. His landlord had put his property on the market and he had to leave anyway.

Is he currently at the property?

You are going away tonight abroad?

He’s really not the sharpest tool in the box is he ?!

His friend who thinks you’re mean-spirited doesn’t want him to move in with him either. You’re well rid and yes, come get your stuff asap!

Congrats on your exam and good luck with your new business venture - from YOUR home.

Honestly think that this is still an insane amount of time to give him, most people dont break up and then still live together for this long if its not a joint home and there arent kids involved. I would have given him a week max and feel that would have been generous enough. Giving him until effectively the end of October and then having the potential for him to turn around and refuse just before you go away feels too risky. And do you know he doesnt have a copy of your key? Will he just come back in while you are away? I would consider lock changing before you go and also keeping a close eye that nothing of yours disappears whilst he is packing.

I find it strange he has only one friend and doesn’t have anything to do with his family. I wonder if he left them behind once he got a good paying job in the past because he was ashamed of them and they didn't fit in to his image.
He likes everyone to think he is very successful even his son and uses everything at his disposal to portray that including you. Without you the facade of his falls apart and he feels humiliated of the truth being revealed. A man who has wasted all he has ever earned to appear successful when he could have used that money to ensure security in his future. He’s a man who loves to flash the cash and spend until it runs out because he is crap with money, doesn’t plan for tomorrow and wants people to envy him.

Good luck OP. New adventures start here. Well done for nailing your exam in rubbish circumstances and hoping you have a great break. Life isn’t easy at times but your future self will thank you for sorting this out now. Hoping you won’t get too much nonsense from exDP.

Not strange at all for an unpleasant human being to have only one person in the world who likes them

I agree

my sole priority would be my son in the OP’s shoes. The atmosphere in the house for the next 4 weeks will be so dark and horrible for him

Hi OP 👋
Firstly CONGRATULATIONS on passing your exams! 🥳 👏 🎉 you should be very proud.
I hope you and your son have a wonderful break. 😎

Secondly. I agree with other posters.
It sounds like he thinks he shits gold, when in reality, he is a pompous prick whose facade has been exposed.
He will try and grind you down a few pegs to reach his level, because he is desperate for the facade to continue. 💯

He sounds like a dreamer/fantasist and not an entrepreneur, whilst you are a realist who needs to ensure your financial stability and maintain your boundaries. 😬

You do not need to partake in his midlife crisis, and don't give more moving time, so that you can be 'nice and kind'.
No. Sack that shit and stick to a deadline 💩

My advice is to GET RID, LTB, and tell everyone (that you need to) that you have split up (including his kids) that way the jig is up and he can't try and worm his way back in.🖕
Open Pandoras box and get be rid of this leech of a man.

Best of luck OP 🫂 @BeLimeTiger

I agree, I should have wrote telling instead of strange.

Agree! You're well within your right to say you want him out sooner, especially if he's laid into you. It's your home, he doesn't get to speak to you like that.

@BeLimeTiger “When I put my rental property on the market he was put out that I hadn’t discussed it with him first.”

I missed that you had a rental. Sorry to say it, but I do think some people are looking very carefully at what’s available financially - men and women do this.

It’s obviously insane that he thinks you should discuss your investments with him, it’s not like you’re married and it’s not like you have children together.

I think the entrepreneur thing is a front. Some people are looking to be kept financially. I think you’ve been too generous with the timeframe to be honest but hopefully he will go early because he will realise it really needs to happen.

If I was the OP and had been spoken to like that, I'd not be giving him a few weeks to move out - it'd been 24 hours. OP is being far too soft with this man-baby. No one gets to abuse/insult me in my own home.

Honestly OP, I think that is far too long to be giving him.

I know you might think you are avoiding conflict this way, but IMO you are adding it and giving him the message you are weak, feeling guilty and open to being ground down.

Far better to say 2 weeks max.
He has money and friends and frankly this isn't your concern.

Him being pissed about your rental whilst going out with you is absolutely mental.

A total red flag. Such a huge red flag.
That should have been a WTF moment for you.

So controlling and a red flag for financial abuse.

Please don't allow tiredness let you make a mistake.
This is not a good man.

He's a nasty entitled user.
The way he spoke to you really is shocking.

Think of the message you are sending allowing someone so nasty and ugly to speak to you like that AND continue to use your home?

He really should be packing his bags all weekend and getting the hell out.

You are vulnerable to be accepting this and he knows it well.
This is not a man who cares or respects you.
He's a grifter and you have been his mark.

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk is really worth looking into.

If I recall you are going on holiday around half term.
Half term down where I am is Monday 26th - Fri 30th Oct, if yours is similar then you have given him one months notice.

That is excessive for an x boyfriend/partner.

He needs to be fully gone much much sooner.

I believe he is away somewhere now or very soon to now, and your parents arrive any day soon ? for a week ?

I would give him his notice date of one week after Mum and Dad depart ( tho I would rather he left whilst Mum and Dad were here - moral support for you )

Were you specific in your email or did you really word it as before your holiday, if you did I would follow it up with clarification i.e. by 12 noon on Friday 9th October.

He has enough money for an airb&b whilst he finds somewhere long term.

I wouldn't put it past him to make your leaving for holiday very stressful by dragging his feet and coming to pack his stuff on the actual day if he knows your flight times.
Maybe... if he's not showing signs of moving quickly you could inform hiim that the lock smith will be coming to change the locks on xyz date and his stuff will be put in the garden shed, left out or similar.

He's actually got no damn excuse to drag his feet apart from wanting to be a pain in the neck.
He's self employed!!! apparently, he can give him self the time off to move his things.

You also need to change the internet passwords and all that sort of thing. I'm sure someone on here can advise. And cut off his internet use. That will get him out sooner if its needed. But be careful too because his comments about you to his friend, it sounds like he's getting nasty and also has shown zero remorse or acknowledgement of why his actions have been a problem for you.

Hopefully having your parents around soom will be a real support and will lighten the mood x

I was married to one of these. He just faded into this believe that he wanted to be mortgage free and therefore he no longer needed to earn money. So he had us working hard to pay as much off the mortgage as possible, then I suddenly released, he planned to pay off the mortgage and just… stop. I asked how he planned on contributing to our living expenses (2 kids plus life). He just assumed I would do that because he had done his years. I had also done mine!! I took 2 years off for 2 x mat leaves for our kids but otherwise worked full time! He could not understand why I wouldn’t be willing to just pay for his lifestyle. Bizarre. We are divorced.

I hope you waited until mortgage paid off and then just as he was planning on stopping… you dumped divorce papers on him?!