DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

He’s been with his dad since Sunday. I popped over there for a BBQ this evening but haven’t told him yet. He knows something’s going on so I will tell him tomorrow.

I would tell him tonight, when the awful comments that he made to you are still fresh (and he can't 'forget' or deny them. He can then be using his time when away at his networking conference to look for his future accommodation (instead of playing sport!).
Be very wary for him requestiang that "he needs more time" (e.g. wants to stay in your place whilst you are away), and will "look after the place for you"!
He needs very clear instructions now of the date you want him out by, and as he's already had one week to seek accommodation. I would say you want him out within 7 days of when your parents leave - he can go to a Travelodge whilst he gets himself sorted if needed. If he asks you to store his belongings, refuse as that will only tie you to him for longer - he can rent a storage space!
Please firm and don't give in to his tantrums!

@BeLimeTiger and make sure anything particularly precious or important to you is locked away. Perhaps pack up the rest of his stuff for him? (And put it all in the garage/shed/outhouse…..)

Can he stay longer with his dad?

You need to be there to ensure ALL his stuff goes, and also none of yours with it! Give your self at least a week to sort yourself out between him leaving and you going on holiday.
If you let him stay whilst you are away, he'll still be there when you return, having had "no luck" to finding accommodation whilst you were away!

First off - CONGRATULATIONS!
Passing is huge. A brilliant achievement.

he had to make a dig about me getting rid of him so I could redecorate and have clients coming to my home

You did need to get rid of him so you could redecorate and have clients in your home - the home you worked your arse off to buy and for which he pays no rent but tried to insist you couldn't use for the career you have been working towards for years. I'm not suggesting you should tell him this (unless you want to), but remind yourself. You did need to do this. He expected you to rent an office somewhere so he could lounge around in your house. Where was his love for you (let alone his self respect) when he told you that? This is what I meant by him being entitled and oblivious to how he was all take and no give.

He was trying to sleep walk you into spending your money so he could live his dream without a thought about how to ensure you had your dreams too. This is why you weren't happy. Deep down, you knew it meant the life you wanted was unlikely and he didn't really care.

If you were just friends you could probably have been happy for him - but then you wouldn't have been compromising your life for him without reciprocation.

I know it feel hard, but try not to take what he's said to heart.

Oh Dear. I'd try to get him out now. Like a week tops.

Congratulations, 👏 this is a huge step forward for you! On to bigger and better things.

He's resentful that he can't count on you to support him anymore. He won't work for The Man, and now he's left behind. That's what happens when you rely on guilt tripping others and being lazy. Of course you will have clients coming to your home once he's gone, it's a good setup for you. He had the nerve to try to block that.

Why couldn't you be happy for him? Because he regressed instead of moving forward. He wanted to be self employed without doing the work. A lot of self employed people grind a lot harder than people working for a company or corporate entity. Did he have a good business plan and the capital to support his business for a certain time and a marketing plan? He was using your space for it and you couldn't use your own space for the work that was paying for it.

Look at the world around you and the economy and think about how he's choosing to be a dead weight while going through his savings. Financial stability is really important, especially during times of inflation and diminishing jobs. You have a kid to raise and that's not going to be cheap.

He's being an asshole. Time to give him the exit letter telling him the date he needs to be out by. (I'm a real asshole and I'd be sending it whatever way he has to sign for it also for that lovely postal receipt and signature). Make sure it's well before your holiday.

Congratulations, so delighted for you.
Well done.
How quickly he turned to a nasty little prick, the real him.
No thanks for the many months of support.....just straight to nasty abuse.

Well...IMO that just makes getting him out that bit more straightforward, sooner.

Good to know EXACTLY what he thinks of you.

You do need to text him a much, much shorter timeframe, I think a week, absolute max two to be gone.

Let him go to his friend.

Gather every last bit of his shit together and tell everyone.

Locks have to be changed.
Would be great if someone house sat for you.

This is a really positive step for you.

“After the dog lady comment I think it’s best you don’t return here after your trip. Your stuff is in the garage, let me know when you’re ready to collect.”

I agree with this.

"He said that my DC will stop wanting to hang out with me in a few years"

Seems like projection. He's been presenting himself as a success story to his kids, who have no idea how irrational he is being. He's probably afraid of what they'll think when they cannot help but see that he's impoverished himself.

He will no doubt blame you for his failures, because that's what men like this do.

"I’ll basically be a lonely old dog lady who will always regret my decision not to cheerlead his dreams."

He also suffers from massive self-importance. It's ludicrous: you'll be living your best life while he has to cadge a sofa bed with his kids.

You can change your mind about the timeline btw: tell him to get out. But do be careful: he may never have been violent before but his misogny and rage are showing, and men as a sex class have been raised to blame women for their own failures and to terrorise them when they don't get their way.

You need to quietly remove all your essential items (pasports, irreplaceable items etc) from the house, secure your digital systems and keys, make sure other people know what is going on, and have the conversation about him leaving earlier with someone else with you. You also need to document everything - everything he is doing and saying. Get communications with him in writing. Unfortunately, you might well need all of this.

You need to have the letter written by tomorrow morning, giving him 2 ? weeks notice.

Don't delay it until his return from being away.

Congratulations on passing your exam!

Nothing wrong with being a dog women, and with a dog, you’re never lonely! I regularly speak to complete strangers when walking my dog!

The letter… does it need to be a physical letter or can it be a word document attached to an email?

I think it could just be within the body of an email. Good luck!

@BeLimeTiger “I’m also questioning why I couldn’t have just been happy for him”

why should you be happy for him? You’re bank rolling a shit choice. Lots of people set up their own business while doing a full-time job.

The dog lady comment was really horrible and also I don’t think for a minute that you would lose touch with DC why would you?! He’s just being as nasty as he can.

I don’t think the form of the written notice matters too much.

Somebody must be with you when you are seeing him out, is that possible?

congratulations on passing your exams. Exams are so stressful! That’s another big achievement locked in for you 💐

He’s sticking to his narrative that if I loved him I would have supported and encouraged him through his self employment journey. He said that my DC will stop wanting to hang out with me in a few years and I’ll basically be a lonely old dog lady who will always regret my decision not to cheerlead his dreams. He was completely withdrawn and without emotion.

First the 'if you loved me' emotional blackmail, then straight on to the insults about being a lonely old dog lady. Well, that should reinforce your decision - he can get really nasty.
I mean, it's been 18 months. And no income for the past 6? I really think if you'd seen evidence of him working his damnedest to get his business off the ground, you would have supported him? It was the awful niggling feeling that he was using you, and that his attitude to money/the future was very different to yours.
It may get worse before it gets better, OP, but then it'll get better again. Congrats on passing your exams.

Make sure your letter doesn’t sound like he had any sort of rental agreement, don’t use words like eviction. You don’t want to give an erroneous impression that he had right to live in your property. Mention that since the breakdown of your relationship he is no longer welcome to stay at your property, and you’d like him to remove all of his belongings and return the key you’d loaned him by [date specified here]

And congratulations on your exams 🎉

I would get legal advice, OP.

Both on how to deliver the letter, and its content.

Having said that, think an actual letter AND an email would be good, and include asking him to acknowledge receipt of it, and his understanding of his move out date.

Firstly.. Congratulations on your exam!!! Bloomin well done to get through them with all this going on distracting you...

The Utter cheek of " he had to make a dig about me getting rid of him so I could redecorate and have clients coming to my home!"

Yes! How VERY dare you! Your home is his HQ.. and you are supposed to buy office space outside. How very selfish of you to work hard and pass your exams and proceed with your career. Don't you know he's the successful businessman and you are just the supporting cast and financier?

Nothing about wanting to stay because he adores you and wants to spend his time with you. All about how dare you stop being useful to him! His true character as a total user is on full display now.

And as for the very nasty predictions that without him your DC won't want to know you in future...(the implication being that his presence, running his business from your home, would have made life in your household so wonderful that your DC would want to be round all the time.)
Well he can make life in your household wonderful immediately can't he?
By Leaving.

His rudeness has eroded any consideration you might have felt you needed. He can go stay at his dads asap.
Then you can enjoy the holiday break with your DC free and clear. It's actually really good that your Mum and Dad are visiting and he won't be there for a week. Gives you a chance to really sort everything out.

I agree with pps get some advice on the letter/email..(shelter website? ) and don't post it to your address or put that on the letter as that might imply its his registered address. And also on safeguarding your credit etc - changing any use of your property as a registered business address. He can have a post box for the time being. (check on uk gov website)
Maybe you could slip the letter into his bag as he's off on his trip, that way you won't have to be there for the first outburst when he reads it. You don't need that as it sounds like he will have further nasty things to say. But that is now his problem. Not yours.
Wishing you and your DC all the very best @BeLimeTiger

You're him!!
I don't think agreeing that OP should kick out a lazy scrounger is a sign of menopause (WTF) or a brain not working
I will concede that some people are successful working for themselves - but those people actually put in the work - a lot of work - not just laze around like the world owes them a living.
If you don't understand the concept of someone making a post and others posting their own opinions on it - not sure MN is for you

Well done on passing your exams.

I can't remember if I previously linked to PithyBeaker's threads or if it was a different thread but her ex did exactly the same....after she told him to leave (him and his kids were disrespectful and tried to dictate what happened in her house as well as him not contributing much) he said very similar....that when her son left she would be a lonely woman in her big house as all she cares about is money and then he told her she would never meet anyone else but that he was now out looking for a better woman.

Honestly the audacity of these men, I know they are hurting but saying horrible stuff like that just shows their true colours.

Remember you are not to blame for any of this, this is all his own doing and you are putting yours and your son's interests first.