DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Oh boy, I'd have told him to leave there and then after that. You are being way too generous giving him until you go away. Just get him gone this month.

The reality of what he’s lost is kicking in but he’s so entitled he can’t see how he’s caused it by being all take and no give.

Don’t worry too much about the smaller details like how long you should have given him. In 6 months it will make little difference. You’ve done the important bit and you just need to stick it out.

Hope your exams went well. Do you have more?

Christ, he’s rude. ‘Lonely old dog lady’?? It sounds great - living with dogs you love, nobody sponging off you, free to do what you like.

I’d ask him to move out sooner. he doesn’t deserve your concern.

And good luck with your exams!

Yes. If he's going to speak to you like that he can sling his hook right away.
Does he have relatives nearby?

After that twatty remark you should definitely tell him that he needs to be out of your house in two weeks.

I passed! I’ve worked hard for this this alongside my demanding job and being a mum. Very proud of myself!

Of course he had to make a dig about me getting rid of him so I could redecorate and have clients coming to my home!

He was supportive during my studies (encouraging me, helping me with school pick ups when I was stuck in traffic and helping me with IT related issues). The truth is that after six months of him having no income I got twitchy. I wanted someone who had their life together, not someone with no assets having a punt at self employment.

I know breaking up was the right thing for me, but I’m also questioning why I couldn’t have just been happy for him. I tried, but always had a worried feeling in the pit of my stomach, amplified by the months rolling on with little or no income.

I was really upset yesterday and feel that he fully took that as an opportunity to take me down a peg or two.

In six months my life will be so different, but this period is just the worst!

You're nothing without a man OP, didn't you know? A dog is a poor substitute.😉

All the best with your exams, then get shot of him.

He’s NC with his parents and he’s not close to his siblings. He’s got one friend who apparently agrees that I’m a mean spirited, unsupportive partner. Maybe he could go there

”He said that my DC will stop wanting to hang out with me in a few years and I’ll basically be a lonely old dog lady who will always regret my decision not to cheerlead his dreams.”

And there it is. His true self.

This is disgusting behaviour, OP. Name-calling, wishing a life of loneliness on you, and bringing your son into it. I’d be bringing his departure date forward to this weekend following these comments.

Get someone over to be with you while he packs and goes. Change the locks. Because I agree with PPs that there’s a risk he will create trouble as reality hits and he unravels. He’s already moved from mowing the lawn to getting nasty in just a few days.

I also agree that you should keep important documents and valuable or sentimental items secure. People can do strange things when under pressure. Once he’s gone it would be worth ensuring credit agencies know he’s not at your address in case he tries to take out loans.

Cross-posted with your update - huge congratulations 🥳

Even he knows he has nothing to offer if his best argument is you'll be alone. Notice how you weren't given a list of posive things you'll lose.

Congratulations on passing your exams! 🍾

@BeLimeTiger I think you do have to understand that his self employed dream was incredibly difficult to support without evidence of progress. From what you have written, there’s nothing happening and he needs to get decent employment instead of playing at it. It was all in his hands to make some money and get his ideas off the ground, but he hasn’t. I think you have been supportive but there has to be a light at the end of the tunnel and there’s none. Hope you feel better about this soon becayse he’s deliberately making you feel guilty.

Well done with your exams - that’s very good news.

OP he’s not even your partner now. He’s a man living in your house being rude and abusive. You owe him nothing. Boot him out tomorrow. Get friends/family/anyone who is available to help you pack up his things and get a locksmith to change all locks. Move all his stuff into one room and tell him he has a month to collect or it’s going to the dump.

He’s turning nasty now so get him out of your home- it should be your safe space.

That really says a lot. He'll be the lonely one, not you. Congratulations on your exams and on getting rid of him. He's shown his true, selfish colours and you can feel sweet relief when he's gone.

Congratulations on passing! 🥳
Sorry to hear that he is being a twit. Being an old dog lady really isn’t an insult - dogs are awesome!
You may have regrets but they won’t be that you dumped him.

Congratulations!

And I wouldn't be taking lectures about being lonely from some unemployed, homeless wank who doesn't talk to his parents or siblings.

You’re right, thank you for pointing that out.

He didn’t give me any visibility or acknowledge that my stability was the reason he could afford to take these risks.

Congratulations on passing your exams OP!

The way he spoke to you should be enough to erase all goodwill and make you feel better about telling him to fuck off sooner imo.

Congratulations on passing your exams! That's a great achievement.

I think you might need to put something in writing to him with a date by which he needs to leave.
If he refuses you can get police involved, using the letter as proof you gave him notice.

I would give a date at least a week before you go on holiday, preferably two, to give yourself time to sort it out before you go away.

💐

But you don’t go away on holiday until mid October!! this will be intolerable.

So he’s back at yours now is he? This networking event is over the entire period your parents are?

You have no obligation to let him stay in your home for another month being rude and abusive to you. Get him out ASAP and change the locks!

I was so mentally exhausted yesterday. I’d been focusing so hard on my work and then suddenly all of the sad feelings poured out of me.

He’s packing all his sports stuff tonight so he can extend his time at the location of his networking event. He understandably didn’t want to be here when my parents arrive tomorrow.

I will revise the move out date when he comes back.

He’s sleeping in the spare room? Does your child know what’s going on? He must be concerned about the atmosphere?

Yes, I think it will be intolerable. He won’t respond well no me serving him notice in writing but I think it needs to be done. He suggested moving his stuff while I’m on holiday. Absolutely no way I’m agreeing to that.