DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Start telling people in RL that it’s over

That will get the message to him clearly that you’re serious. Mutual friends, family, your son

Thank you. I haven’t said it, but I do really appreciate all the support from the MN sisterhood (except the person who told me to ‘shit or get off the pot’)

All the best for your exams OP!

Other than failing to make money, which is a fair concern, there's nothing that OP said that suggests that the man is going to be difficult. Actually, she mentionned that he's nice and he pays his share. It's sad that just because his business idea didn't work out (which happens pretty often, many successful entrepreneurs fail several times before sucess comes in), he's now a cocklodger, parasite and the only thing she's worried about is losing what she imagined the relationship would be.

Did you read his response to the OP and her office space in her own home?

First post nails it

Yes, I read all of her responses and she has the right to break up, but I still think that insulting him like that is extreme. Yes, he took the situation a bit for granted and it was up to her to set boudaries. She herself clearly didn't love him and pretty much only wanted a certain financial situation.

I think you can love someone but lose respect for them. Once the respect is gone that's usually it....Curtains.

Just venturing a guess.

I’m afraid some mumsnetters simply aren’t happy with any life situations that don’t involve Eastenders style argy bargy confrontations - the reality is somewhat different for many who just don’t have that kind of personality - they tend to do things in their own way at a time that suits them and the circumstances, rather than constantly shooting from the hip - and often shooting themselves in the foot -

Good luck with your exams!

That must have hurt you to the core @BeLimeTiger - to dump your long term live in partner and a few mins later he’s munching and watching the football. He sounds so cold and calculated. And to swing by with his son because you have access to a paid for TV channel as though everything is fine - skin as thick as a rhino.

you have told your folks haven’t you?

I will tell them when they visit. My mum has dementia so I would forget it I told her in a phone call. My dad would worry about me if he couldn’t physically see me and give me a big hug. Ive told my sister and a couple of friends. I don’t think it will come as a shock to anyone, except the neighbours. He’s away while my parents are here on a networking event.

I mean he’s on a networking event, not my parents!

He really must have thick skin. He will be asked what he does multiple times - and by the sounds of it, his business has been an unmitigated flop

Note he has money for networking events etc, he sounds like Walter Mitty.
It’s time to set a date to exact when your exams are over, best of luck with those.

Do your parents know he’s been kicking about for 18 months?

This is about to get tricky for you op, he thinks you’re going to come around. He’s not told his son because he’s not at all convinced you’re going to follow through. Chances are he ain’t going quietly and id tell him he needs to leave asap before he gets this idea too embedded in his head as this could turn very acrimonious very quickly. We see it on here all the time when the gravy train runs out for these cock lodgers. He’s on cue with his help full behaviour and acting like nothings wrong. Hold firm and do not waiver at all, get him out as soon as that last exam paper is handed over, with all his shit with going with him at the same time. Give an inch he’ll take ten miles

Surely this networking event won’t extend right in to the weekend? So what’s his plan post networking event (although usually they are a night maximum anyway so where is he now? )

Where is he staying now? The networking event covers the entire period your parents are here?

If he's at a networking event, perfect time to box up his stuff and put in the spare room. It would be very helpful of you :)

I agree. And it's a lot of audacity to have anyone over to watch tv or hang out, son or whomever....to the house he's being ousted from.

I had one of these. For 10 years in total, nine years living with me. He 'wouldn't work for anyone else ever again' and claimed to be starting up a landscape gardening business (in actual fact, he was a jobbing gardener. Paid no income tax I later discovered and was claiming benefits). He paid nothing towards my bills because he kept his own flat on and paid bills there. I was glad he paid nothing towards my mortgage as I never wanted him to have a claim on my flat but, looking back, I'm ashamed at what I put up with. He was going through a court case with his estranged brother - his brother essentially took their parents entire estate (£1m). My ex spent tens of thousands of pounds trying to get his inheritance to no avail. Life is so much more peaceful without this kind of cr*p. I wish you peace.

Yesterday evening was so awful. He’s sticking to his narrative that if I loved him I would have supported and encouraged him through his self employment journey. He said that my DC will stop wanting to hang out with me in a few years and I’ll basically be a lonely old dog lady who will always regret my decision not to cheerlead his dreams. He was completely withdrawn and without emotion.

Yesterday I told him he needs to leave before I go on holiday with my DC. Now I’m thinking that was a mistake and I should’ve given him a couple of weeks maximum.

My friends, colleagues and family have all been incredibly supportive and I’m very thankful of that.

@BeLimeTiger oh he’s a real charmer isn’t he?! You’ll be a ‘lonely old dog woman’?! Throw him out tonight just for that - the cheeky git….honestly who does he think he is? Are you not RAGING op? Seriously, if you give him a week you’re being kind.
And yes - without emotion because he’s a callous SPONGE, He cares about no-one but himself.