DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

OP’s post regarding finding him at home sounded matter of fact rather than delighted to me tbh. His DSs will be concerned if dad wants to stay with them!

She's still got her exams so probably doesn't want to be furious and blowing up at him right now, but his behaviour has been noted and ain't gonna help him now.

Either s--t or get off the pot. This is getting very tedious. From being strong and determined, you are now coming across as a bit of a mug. Not sure who is being played here, you or us?

He plans on ignoring it.
Playing chicken with you.

OP focus on your exams this week but you do need to change those locks.

He will not move easily.
He is a user and he has a nice arrangement with what he thinks is a dim woman.

Nothing innocent about him.
He knows exactly what he is doing.

He will 100% try to grind you down.
The dog food is proof.

Be a bit helpful and the silly fool will fall back into her place.

She lists the quite frankly pathetic things he did like ordering the dog food - as though he’s wonderful

She popped home to walk her dogs. She doesn't need to take decisive action because you're getting bored. It's her life and she's managing it as well as she can, in the midst of important work exams. It's perfectly fine to take more than a few days, and I don't think she's a mug at all, nor is it helpful to call her that in this situation.

He was there with his son, watching TV like he owned the place. The locks should have been changed when he left for a few days. I am not getting bored, I am frustrated with the lack of action on her part to back up all the words .

For me it just demonstrates how seriously he is taking this. Ie not in the slightest

Originally she wasn't even going to raise it until after her exams. She's done a lot more than that already and will doubtless change the locks when she has the time and energy to sort that.

I don't read the dog food update as meaning he's wonderful, that's someone reading into it. Just reads like a factual and probably rushed/not particularly thought over update. She's doing other things, but overall she's been v decisive after a long relationship living together and it needn't all happen at once. She's ended it and that's the main thing. Locks will get changed, lives will move on.

I think this is what’s happening. He will be losing everything that makes his lifestyle comfortable and sustainable when he leaves. He won’t walk away easily and I’m going to need all my wits about me over the next couple of weeks.

My exams are starting tomorrow so I’m putting my energy into that

Good luck with your exams @BeLimeTiger . I’ll be rooting for you.

Well done you 👍
Do your exams and focus on that.

Change the locks.
Move his stuff.
Give him a date to have his stuff out by.

Exams first. He will go. Just don't worry about his reactions.

He was told on the 16th and then went away ' for a few days ' on/by 18th
however he was already ' back ' by yesterday - 20th - wasn't gone for long was he ?!
he hurried back, whilst you were at work as I guess he knew you would be at work and invited / brought round his son knowing you would not say anything whilst the son was there.

You say your parents are staying ' next week ' have you told them ? as I would hope he would want to be gone before they arrive...

@BeLimeTiger
I think I would say and do whatever it takes to get him to go quickly and quietly.
If you have to agree to anything in order to bring this about then you must make sure it is not something that he has the ability to enforce.

If you suspect he won’t go easily… make sure you remove anything that’s valuable and you don’t fancy losing from the house.

Your passport, sentimental family things, important docs.

I get the impression this man is cunning and calculating, despite displaying avoidance in conflict. Your decision threatens his cushy existance and ge might have a go at intimidating you lash out physically when that doesn’t work. You never know.

He might be working frantically on a plan how to make you back down. Expect the worst, that way you won’t be caught off guard.

And tell someone this is happening so they can check on you.

Best of luck with your exams, too!

I have seen this with men before. They resent the fact that you have more than them but they are not willing to work hard like you did to get what you've got; that would be an acknowledgement that you deserve your position and he would be subordinating himself to you by learning from your example.
Instead he goes for broke, he lands himself upon you like a great big jellyfish confident that he can pin you down, hold you there and make you pay for him.

Good luck with your exams!

Best of luck in the exams.
Don't stress.
This WILL be sorted.

Good Gravy. Tell him he need to be out before your parents come for their visit. Tell him in writing too.

Could not agree more with your predictions,@BeLimeTiger.

Another one to brace yourself for is 'If the positions were reversed, I'd support you' >sad face<

To which, of course, the only correct response is 'Yes, and if your auntie had balls she'd be your uncle'. It's too late for me, but I give you that one in sisterhood.

Well done for getting out in time!

Good luck with the exams, and know that you have the might of MN behind you when you decide to make the move. I dont think he will know whats hit him if he starts playing silly buggers. There are too many here with similar stories for him to get away with any shennaneghans.

Paper trail. Ooooo yes. Important 👍

The spoken word is quickly forgotten,
But the written word stands to condemn.

@BeLimeTiger

Best of luck with your exams. Let everything else go until they're over. Nothing needs doing now that won't wait.