DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

That is genuis! Wow 🤯. I would never have thought of that and as he isn't your husband he doesn't have matrimonial rights.
OP this is sound advice. No matter what it costs get the locks changed. It's a new day whether he is willing to accept it or not.
You are serious.

You’d not have thought of changing the locks?

Very new to Mumsnet?

This is horrible, the man lost his job 18 months ago. He’s went self employed, nd yes like many businesses he’s failed to get it off the ground, and has taken on low paid aork to support. He’s continued to pay his way.

of course she shouldn’t change the locks and behave so poorly. And calling him a parasite, it’s just awful.

Select all of the OPs posts
read
and then come back to the thread

He sent me a message this morning to say he was ‘very sad’ while he was away. I popped home in my break to walk the dogs and he was there. He’d mown the lawn and his son had come over so they could watch the football together. He also said he’d ordered food for the dogs (which is something I always take care of). I asked if he’d told his son that we’d broken up and he said that he ‘didn’t know what to say’.

I have no idea what sense to make of this. His DS are unlikely to be emotionally affected by the break up, they’re adults.

What a complete twat. He waltzes back in, with his son, to watch the footy!!!

Oh you’re getting sucked in Op. it’s obvious

even though up thread you said that even if he did now get an incredibly well paying job you still wouldn’t want to be with him

Well he sure as heck isn’t going to be getting that kind of job and looks like you’ll be supporting him anyway

I think you need to change the locks........

"I asked if he’d told his son that we’d broken up and he said that he ‘didn’t know what to say’."

I'd raise the subject with the son myself then. If I was feeling nice I'd wait to half-time. Nah, only joking. I'd just go straight in.

'Just to let you know John, your dad and I have broken up. He wasn't sure how to raise it with you, so I thought it best that I did.'

Getting sucked in? He’s sent me 2 messages and I saw him for less than a minute with his son.

Too late…. He’s waltzed in and is now sprawled on sofa with his son watching the footy! A devastated man indeed

He’s in your house right now?

his son had come over so they could watch the football together

so whilst you were out, he saunters in with his son and they watch the football together?

Sorry I didn’t explain properly. I picked up the dogs, walked them and then went back to work. I’ll be there until late tonight. I don’t think he was expecting me to come home

Unbelievable cheek of it

and guessing no job hunting mentioned and certainly no packing

i bet your snack cupboard is depleted though

He’s playing home, and pretending life is continuing as normal.

A tricky time. He probably hasn't told his son because its emotional for him. As for inviting him over, I think he may have needed the company. However as others have said, job hunting would have been more useful.
You seem certain of the path you want to take, so hold steady and be clear with him.

I am a Mumsnet veteran and frequent poster. I have indeed advised people to change locks before-more abusive partners tho tbh.

But lock change for the parasitical c"lodger is a new thought for me and yes! Impressed 😁

FAST!
He's now chillaxing with his son in your lounge when you have told him to go.
Be very careful...he's showing you he's still in control.

Absolutely this. Change those locks. Move all his stuff. He's marking his territory. 🤮

I can't believe you haven't told him to leave immediately.

Sounds like you are backtracking. He really thinks you are not strong enough to see this through.

He’s mowed the lawn and ordered the dog food in the hope you will see that he’s trying, I bet he will suddenly become very handy around the house because in his eyes it will placate you. He’s just after brownie points so you feel guilty and drop any mention of him leaving, he might even start declaring how he couldn’t live without you too.

Exactly

If the Op was serious, she’d be furious he and his son let themselves in whilst she wasn’t their to kick back and watch the footy (no doubt because she has a streaming services that her son doesn’t have!).

But nope - she instead seems delighted he got the lawnmower out

He hasn’t told his son as he doesn’t think you mean it.

He’s with his son watching football in your house, whilst you’re out at work-he’s hardly suffering!

When have you told him he needs to leave?