DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

OP, hold your nerve with him.
He will be invested in grinding you down.

I know of 4 women with lovely homes they fully funded and had a loser user like you have.
Except that it was 10 years before they finally copped on.
They ALL wanted money to leave and they were advised to give them money to go, rather than spend it on legal fees....30-40k.

You are only 18 months in and have thankfully copped on early.

They were all repeatedly told by family and friends but couldn't be told.

By the time you had the 4th woman telling you this near identical story @Keyleads you must have got serious Déjà vu

I think this is a good criteria to stick by. There are so many non home owning middle aged men looking for a girlfriend with her own home who will let them move in and then they will work less and less or quit their jobs to be entrepeneurs or consultants or whatever without even a business plan and expect the gf to support them. If you give them an inch, they'll take a mile.

I’ll be one of those women saying ‘cocklodger, get rid!’ On mumsnet soon! 😂

I’ve been very careful to make sure he isn’t investing in the house. Lord help these women if the ‘rights for cohabiting couples/fairer end to relationships’ bill goes through.

I thought a cocklodger would reveal themselves much earlier on in the relationship, not 3.5 years in!

He “revealed” himself before now OP. He’s not worked for 2 years.

And the way you think he’s respond- defensive, critical, name calling - that indicates much deeper issues than financial. You even said that even if he was suddenly incredibly Rich you’d want him out

None of my friends thank god, I couldn't be around such bullshit, much less be listening to it, but sisters and cousins of my friends, that would be nearly a decade younger than us.

Fortunately all childless, but with smarmy charming men who were freelance, creatives, a teacher with long holidays and a contractor who picked and chose his work infrequently.🙄

The dirty business of paying bills didn't trouble them.
Wasters. Quick enough to get legal advice though and accept payment to not go to court and make a claim.

My friends in their 60's would no more allow any man they see to move in.
Far too cute.
None of them want to live with any man.
They have it too good on their own.

It was funny how my last cocklodger about 6 months after moving in with me decided work didnt suit him anymore and he wanted to use my shed to run a successful micro brewery.
Naturally it wasnt a success and he never asked me if I was ok him giving up his day job to pursue what was essentially a hobby he was no good at. No discussion about bills or household expenses was had.
I was just expected to lump it.
Initially I thought Id found the love of my life but he was just another twat.

"I thought Id found the love of my life but he was just another twat" will be inscribed upon my headstone when I die 🤣

Just got rid of my own cocklodger a few months ago, we were together 15 years, he moved in with me 3 years ago and immediately began behaving exactly as so many other men described on this thread have done. Well done @BeLimeTiger for (almost) getting rid of yours too 🎉

"I thought I'd found the love of my life but he was just another twat."

😂

@BeLimeTiger Most family lawyers will tell you to draw up a cohabiting agreement. They will still mean something after any law change is passed. The same way a pre nup has weight now. There might well be changes for cohabiting where there are dc but often in those cases it’s the women who get seriously shafted.

‘I thought I’d found the love of my life, but he was just another twat’

yeah, that just about sums it up for me too. I was initially supportive, but within the first few months he was turning work down because it wasn’t in line with his ‘vision’ . What a knob

He’s telling you what to do in the house you own? Whilst not paying anything above the bare minimum?

Let this one go and focus on spending time with your DC and doing amazing things with them. Don’t waste time on a man child.

Why do they have zero respect for you? I'm agreeing with u from personal experience but why is that. You would think they would appreciate u giving them a nice place to live.

His vision? 😆
He should have gone to spec savers, the useless melt.

Omg. ‘Melt’ - I’ve not heard that expression for years!

Good luck with your exams @BeLimeTiger we’re all right behind you!

I believe that most men (sadly) don’t see women as people in the same way that they see men as people. So when a woman has something they want or need, and offers to share it, they don’t accept in a spirit of gratitude but in a spirit of entitlement, because they see their own want/need as more significant than her ownership.

If the offer is later withdrawn, they are furious and likely to be spiteful because rationally they know they’ve no claim to it, but deep down they see it as wrong that she has the power to deprive them, as she’s not really a person in their eyes.

You and I @Doubledenim305 are both posting on a thread which demonstrates this, and I think the STBXH there is outraged that his lovely STBXW is taking everything in her stride and not only dealing well but getting on far better than he is following the situation that he instigated. Because he thinks of himself as a person and her as lesser, it won’t feel right that she is refusing to continue doing what she’s always done and I guarantee when the financials get discussed his outrage that he must support her and “her” children will know no limits.

Yes I think you are right Thank you ☺️
I'm right in middle of this with my DH who lives rent /mortgage free in house I paid for and creates conditions with his kids /grandkids that forces me out my own home. He told me to leave and visit friends whilst he was on annual leave this summer 🙄I'm no pushover but he is lord of that manor and he isn't going to be told anything by me. The sense of entitlement is off the scale.
Anyway it's been a long journey but filed for divorce yesterday.
It's my house in my name and it wouldn't cross my mind to tell him to leave. Yet just seems like most normal thing in the world to him. 😞

@Doubledenim305 He’s your DH? You want rent from him? This is going to be a marital asset.

He is but was bought with non matrimonial money so yes he will get a chunk (enough to rehouse himself) but not 50/50.
I wasn't sure what you meant about rent.
As he's my DH he just didn't have rent or mortgage to pay. Was that what you meant?

@Doubledenim305 You said he “lives rent free in my house”. I took that to mean you wanted a financial contribution but maybe you didn’t?

Usually a pre nup guides what happens in your situation and/or the needs of both parties. Long marriages, a pre nup is not worth much. Children make a big difference of course and the amount of money in a marriage eg pensions and savings.

His response to being dumped by a long term
partner is to:-
Go quiet
Be blindsided
Then a few minutes later go and get some snacks
And then dominate the lounge watching the football

He doesnt exactly sound heartbroken. And this will be for two reasons

1. he doesn’t really care about you and what you think of him;
2. he doesn’t remotely think you’re being serious

Save the emotions OP, you haven't got him out yet. These types of parasites are tricky to remove. Personally I'd change the locks now while he's away and don't give him a key.