DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

Im now in the main bedroom and he’s gone to the spare room. He’s gone away for a few days so we can both have some space. I’ve been sleeping terribly and had a banging headache since last night. I can get a couple of hours rest this afternoon. The sadness is creeping in now, mainly grief for where I imagined our relationship would be vs where it is. I’m so disappointed, but I know this is the right thing

The transition time is really awful. You have my sympathies.

All I can say is that it really does get better — often when the physical separation is in place. Also, you can go through this knowing that if it were fixable he could do that while living apart. He won’t, and that’s the sadness.

It's for the best he's left for a few days. I hope you do really well on your exams.

Where has he gone to? Can you start packing up his stuff? Can your son stay with his dad whilst all this is going on at yours?

Well done getting your room back. Great he's left the house..and yes start putting all his stuff in the one place. Don't pack it incase you damage anything (or he says you have). All his stuff in the garage/spare bedroom.
And yes the grief and loneliness and hurt is real. Just need to build a new life without him leeching off you..

It’s both a relief and a sadness that I know with certainty that there is no hope for a future together: He’ll leave here and be living somewhere pretty depressing. DC is with his dad for five days next week and then ex-dp is going away on a networking event. My parents visit next week while he’s away so I’ll have my hands full!

Just noticed that you’ve titled this ‘ Self-employed ‘dream’’, so in reality, you always knew it was a no-brainer.

Don’t they say that a a goal without plans is just a wish. Thats what’s happened here.

Op he responded to the news by watching the footie
he has now gone off for a few days (staying with who?!)
he will have done bugger all towards moving out and will have zero intention of looking for somewhere else. He is gunning for you changing your mind

I hope you can get some good rest while he's away. I'd also start boxing up some of his belongings up and put said boxes in the spare room.

But meanwhile, you can breathe and rest while he's gone! Obviously, he has places to go and stay so really, he should just stay gone.

These sad feelings will pass. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel them. Good luck with your exams.🌻

Good luck with your exams
@BeLimeTiger

Hope you have a relaxed weekend xx

Yes, this. Hopefully you can get some proper rest too 🙏🏻

You don’t need “space” FGS. You need him to pack and find somewhere to live. I reckon he’s lopping with a mate, enjoying lots of beers and thinking that when he returns you’ll jump in to his arms and all brushed under the carpet.

If I were you, I’d have all his belonging stacked up ready to go. However I sense from your later posts - that definitely isn’t going to happen @BeLimeTiger ?

In fairness, she has exams next week.

Op has exams next week and packing up his belongings would make the atmosphere worse when he returns. This could be the kick up the backside for him to wake up and start working for someone else and earn money instead of living off his dwindling savings and expecting op to fund it. He fully expected her to rent an office when she has room in her own house that he is occupying and dreaming that this time next year I will be a millionaire.

No chance

He had the news, got himself some snacks and watched the footy

It’s been less than a week since we broke up so I’m not minded to bag up his belongings and sling them into the road. Having said that, I will need to give him a date to move out or I think he’ll just procrastinate.

Ive sorted out daycare for the dogs which is a huge weight lifted. One is young and the other is ancient so it was really important to find the right people to meet their needs.

Yes absolutely agree. Just group his stuff in one room. And make it visible that the old order has changed. Status quo gone.

This is the best civilised way to do it.

No one was just slinging them in to the road

but very evidently he has not remotely taken this seriously. So packing up some of his items (at least from your bedroom) might be a good start

Sounds sneaky but make notes of any post that arrives for him - credit card statements in particular (maybe take photos of the return address and google the company). My concern is he's going to flit out on debts tied to your address, OP. Have you done an Experian check?

And small meals and often, hydrate often. Put yourself and your well-being first.

As others have said, he tries to discuss / negotiate / whine you have the same sentence on a loop - this is my decision and it won't change. And. NO is a full answer. No discussions, flat statement.

This has happened everytime Ive moved a man into my home OP. Ive learnt not to date anyone who doesnt have their own home, job and pension.
A man who moves into a womans home is not a man and will have zero respect for you.

I will never date another man without his own home. It was a bit of an amber flag at the time, but he ticked every other box and had an explanation as to why he was renting rather than living somewhere he owned, He still owned a home with his gf before me and she was buying him out (they had no children together). When that money came through he could’ve used it as a deposit, but decided not to. Now he’ll be lucky if a landlord agrees to rent him a studio flat

Have you ever discussed whether he has a pension out of interest?

What’s his messages been like since he’s gone off?