DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

He’ll either become angry or will become defensive, and come out with phrases such as’ you don’t love me’ yog’ve been stringing me along’ (as if!), ‘I’m doing this for both of us’ or ‘ the next big deal is due to be signed any moment now’.

Why are you in the spare room.? It’s your house and he’s the one leaving shortly. He should be in the spare room from now on, and he’s lucky you’re letting him stay at all!

He’ll try upset,
Guilt
Bargaining
Threats - I’ll sue you, you owe me.
Refusal to leave - make me.

hopefully that’s his full arsenal, each has a clear answer.

Good luck with your exams!

OP, I've been in same position as you re the bedroom. Moved out and slept for 2 years on a mattress in the lounge. Ok we are married. But I bought the house, in my name only. Anyway this dynamic has been building for years. I give up my rights to prevent another argument.
This feeds their sense of entitlement btw.
He crossed the line for the nth time and I took my bedroom back and be slept in bedroom downstairs. Oooo u could feel it in the atmosphere. Because it is a power game at the end of the day. By taking back the room I was saying this is my house and you are not in charge. You can't bully me downstairs (and out) of my own home because that is his endgame. Get me so upset that Ileave whilst he stays here..
Angway I digress! Your room is important. He needs to sleep in the spare room till he goes. You need to take him on and take your room back. That's ridiculous he expects to be in the main room when he is the guest. I understand you doing it in the spur of the moment but think about the message you are sending him if he's allowed to stay in thwt room..

Exactly
he learns this news, grabs himself some snacks (paid for by the Op no doubt), sprawls in the lounge to watch the footy.

Meanwhile the OP meekly heads to the spare room in her own home.

What kind of an example is this setting your son @BeLimeTiger if nothing else?

There’s also the potential that he will do ….. absolutely nothing!! If he is avoidant he may just (metaphorically) stick his fingers in his ears and say “La la la” /bury his head in the sand and pretend that nothing has happened, you will forget/ didn’t mean it/ it’ll just go away.
Rather than chasing him for action, maybe telling him things will be happening after [X date] … I’m going away and changing the locks/ wardrobes are being ripped out… whatever you need to say to enforce the deadline.

“Potential”

Inevitable

Like you @BeLimeTiger I wouldn’t have been able to keep a lid on it until after the exams but I suggest grey rocking him until afterwards. He knows he has to find other accommodation now so you don’t need to go over the logistics yet, he might not bring the subject up and hope to get back into your good books instead of actively looking for a place to stay. Either way you keep your head clear and ignore any attempts from him to make you feel sorry for him, uncomfortable or guilty as after your exams you can tell him he’s had more than a week to sort out where he’s going and give him a date to leave by. He can go to his mates and sleep on the sofa if needs be.

Don't be drawn in to any discussion.
"I have made my decision and will not be changing my mind". On a loop.

He will have withdrawn to think about his next move.

Any hint of aggression needs immediate police involvement, telling the police you have a child in the house and your ex partner with no entitlement to live in YOUR house is being aggressive.

Well done OP, glad you told him. Hopefully now your life will get easier 🙏🏻

The image of you telling him this, then him going to the cupboard to get out a tube of Pringles, crack open a beer, head to the lounge, turn on TV and enjoy an evening in the lounge alone watching the football, whereas @BeLimeTiger gathers up her overnight bits and goes to the spare room, in her own home…. Well firstly it’s a bit pathetic of @BeLimeTiger but secondly - hardly indicates the man is going to be looking for a place to move today is he?!

As above. You need to get him out your room OP and into the spare bedroom and make sure u have a firm plan with back up plan for him not complying. Do you have any male friends or family locally who could add a bit of a presence?

That grifting bastard is still acting like he owns the joint😡

Yes male friends or family would be very helpful.

i also organised a big family event in the house and said to ex he’d need to be gone by that date as it would stifle at atmosphere to have him still there. He was gone three days before.

if he thinks your house is his sanctuary so to speak, liven things up at home and start to make some noise. He’ll get the message it’s your house.

i also agree he should move into the spare room. You also need to ask him to leave so your clients can come to the house because your work is a priority.

what I notice OP is you are somewhat passive, you don’t like confrontation and you’ve been adapting around his needs for over a year. Perhaps your mum was passive and she modelled this to you with your father but it’s a pattern to become aware of.

stop adapting yourself around him. He needs to adapt around you now. Treat the house as if he wasn’t there as your baseline and then although it will be very hard, follow through on your plans for the day and TELL him what he needs to do and if he HAS to be out that day. You’re going to need to be assertive. To date you’ve been passive.

Also I recommend very much these days to women who have this pattern, to always keep their home separate. So many many men change once a woman is living with them. I’ve seen it time and time again in real life and on here.

So, men can stay over but you never live with someone again full time. Never.

And this relates to something else. You don’t really ever know a person, not for years and years. So while it’s wonderful to fall in love, be wary, always. ALWAYS.

You are obviously completely at the of your tether! Good luck with the exams. If you possibly can try and focus on those and let the rest of it wait for a few days. They won't make much difference to the situation at home but the exams affect your future career. If it comes up, just say you arent going to talk about it until after your exams. He can either just leave or just wait until then when you caj discuss it. Your unconscious will still be working and you are likely to find much greater determination and focus the day after the end of the exams when you can put your foot down. Make him leave, or one last chance - you will know. He can do other things while still being his own boss - for example, agency work, interim management. Or something really simple like a window cleaning round, or odd job work - i know a few people who did that after redundancy. He helped raise 2 lovely competent children so he isnt completely hopeless, but he is in a certain frame of mind where he is stubbornly saying what he doesnt want while not being able to do the things he needs to succeed. My hubby gets like that when he is depressed and also gets avoident. There have been a couple of times where he would only change when he realised I would end it if he didn't.

But he hasn't been blindsided, has he? Except in the sense that he'd blinkered himself.

You had 'The Talk' 6 months ago. He knew then that you were unhappy, particularly with how his cosplaying at having his own business was affecting you.

"I put my cards on the table six months ago and put a date in my diary which happens to fall on this week. All I have done is observe any meaningful change and there’s been none. It will never change"
And there it is. Six months of sticking his fingers in his ears and singing la-la-la. He should have seen that strutting about like The Big I Am when his business continued to fail just wasn't sustainable, but he chose to do nothing. To blinker himself, voluntarily. Instead, he grew his hair and dyed it, went "running in the morning and the gym at lunchtime" and congratulating himself on 'being his own boss', and expecting you to finance his lifestyle choice unquestioningly.

Blindsided my arse.

You described him as "avoidant and thinks a problem swept under the carpet is a problem solved". Well, sweeping your unhappiness under the carpet was never going to solve it. He could have given himself a shake 6 months ago (or preferably 18 months ago) but he didn't, instead making "bad decision after bad decision". He is the author of his own misfortunes.

I only hope this doesn't affect your exams. Good luck with them!

Take your room back. Put his things in the spare room when he's not home. Also, I'd start packing his stuff up and put in spare room. Say, Here I helped you start packing :)
I don't know how much notice you have to give him where you live but if you don't have a specific amount of time you have to give him, I wouldn't give him more than 2 weeks to be out. And give it to him in writing and take pics of the written notice.

Great suggestion.
Take your room back today and start gathering his shit together.
He's lived off you long dbough, he can move elsewhere from savings.

Well done. Blindsided that's a laugh. What a twat.

Feign illness.
Imaginary logistical blocks “nowhere to go” or “no space to move my belongings”

Make sure you book a locksmith as soon as he’s out and before you go away. If he knows you’re going away I’d be telling him different/shorter dates and that you have a friend house-sitting.

Ah yes, forgot the feigning illness. A favourite for those of a manipulative bent.

'Nowhere to go' - he has adult children, a loyal friend and I do believe there's those new-fangled things called hotels, Air B&Bs, and rentals.

Second the changing of locks, but if it's a Yale or similar it's pretty easy (and cheap) to change a barrel yourself.

I think she has if she's decided this can't go on - which she has.

Hoping you haven’t been shuffling off to the spare room @BeLimeTiger whilst he enjoys free reign of the snacks, lounge AND main bedroom?

Well done for having the conversation and being clear and definitive. That’s all there is to do, but on repeat while studying and making sure you prioritise your exam needs not his emotional demands.

Very best with it.

I locked my ex husband out of my house and slung all his stuff in bin bags onto the porch and changed the locks. That's what he found when he came back from his fetish weekend.
He rang the police. There was nothing they could do as the house and everything was mine nothing in his name.
He was shocked to get practically nothing in the ensuing divorce but nothing was his. I'd owned it all outright before we married.
The he started the crying and suicide threats and the I love you on the phone. 7 years later he's just fine living in the north somewhere. Twat.