DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

How did he take it?

What was his reaction? He needs to sleep on the sofa tonight presumably

My ex was like this. He couldn't possibly help round the house cos he was working on his website. He literally spent months perfecting a website then didn't start the business.

I discovered he had lots of credit card bills and had been living off borrowed money. I eventually got him to start a job, opt in to pension and start paying off the debt. I had visions of me having to support him in old age with the pension I'd built up having worked for decades.

We finally split up, and he went back to self employed aspirations, and is back to having nothing.

I thank my lucky stars I'm not shackled to him.

Oh bless you @BeLimeTiger you’ve done the right thing insisting he is out before you go away. Please change the locks after he goes and before your break. Hope you manage to focus on your exams.

Well done! Hopefully the worst is done now, hopefully he will go without much resistance, good luck with your exams x

He went quiet and said he’d been blindsided . I didn’t get into a debate, but every point he raised solidified my view that I’ve done the right thing. He’s gone off to watch football and eat snacks in a different room. I’ll go to the spare room tonight. It’s peaceful there and has the best views in the house.

Well Done! Proud of you OP!

Goodness doesn’t exactly sound heartbroken

you’d hope if he taken it seriously he’d be begging you.

or at least looking for a place to stay

clearly he’s not least bit bothered and thinks you aren’t being serious

Once you know [the right decision forward for you], you know [ what you have to do next]. I wish you well over the next few days. Hope you smash your exams!

Well done OP.

Eating snacks eh? He doesn’t sound too distraught. Hopefully he leaves without any drama.

Yeah, I really hope so too. I think he’s disassociated right now. I’ll see what the next few days bring once it’s sunk in

I don’t think he’s disassociated at all!

He is kicking back watching the footy with a bowl of snacks

He isn’t bothered. He doesn’t think you’re being serious

He went quiet, of course. He’s been rumbled and his cushy days sponging off of you are over.

Be prepared he will try to bargain…

Well done. You go, girl!

or to be more accurate, he goes!

No, just the midwest, but a lot of cattle farming. I truly love the fur coat-no knickers. I have laughed several times today as I wait for my DD to get off work and try to find a reason to use it. 😂

I'm trying to work out how to shoe-horn "all hat - no cattle" into Edinburgh conversation without getting funny looks. I wonder what other national equivalents there are. All Brie, no baguette?

Youll find it very hard to get him out. Ultimately though, its your house and you arent married so thankfully he is not entitled to anything. He is acting as if he has a right to tell you what to do in your own home! And he is basically stealing from you by not working properly! You could be saving up for your early retirement, your ds uni, a lovely holiday, driving lessons for ds.

Instead, you sub a grown man who has been taking advantage of you. You sound nice. It might be tricky getting him to leave asap without a fuss. Change the locks though. Dont give him a key. Boundaries!

If he felt "blindsided" then he has been living with his head placed 18" deep into his ass a hole in the ground. He's certainly a stolid dud, isn't he?

Of course you did the right thing! Like so many have said, "what you did wasn't easy, but it was necessary".

I hope you ace your exams coming up and he gets out of your home and circle long before your trip. As soon as he is gone, change the locks and have a funtastic holiday with your son!

I suspect so, but I’ve seen enough. I think I’m in for a rough ride over the next few weeks. I need to think of all his potential reactions and how I will respond

All sauce-no noodle

All stein-no beer

All ash-no fire (heard this once when talking to a friend who was angry with someone not showing up to volunteer after they said they would)

All whine-no grape

Your turn!

P.S. I must be hungry--all of mine are food oriented. 🤗

Work out a phrase that you can say on repeat that’s consistent with how you broke the news to him that it’s over and he needs to move out. Don’t get drawn into counter arguments because then he’s negotiating. You don’t owe him negotiations, it’s your house and your life.

I see i waa late to the party.

He is not entitled to your house. You arent married, the house is in your name. Yiu dont have a child with him, or decades of love and support. I would tell him he has to leave asap, and if he wont suggest you call the police on 101 and ask for help to get him ro leave. Or pack his stuff when he is out, change the locks, get his dc or a mate to collect him. Or book him a few nights at a cheap hotel just to get him out.

Blindsided! Assume you thought ' yeah, me too, i thought you were a great bloke and you took advantge of that'

Maybe your son should stay more at his dad’s during these few weeks? There will likely be a arguments and dark tension

Well done for having had the talk, OP!
Just be really on your guard about him trying to sabotage your exams as some kind of revenge...

He might try to disturb your sleep or stress you out to the point you can't focus on studying ..

@BeLimeTiger I’ve just read your updates and breathed a sigh of relief on your behalf. You have made a decision and that’s a good start. Hope he goes quietly and asap.