DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

That a good power of deductions if not thrown him in the doghouse

@BeLimeTiger

As far as your 'action timeline' this is what I'd want to factor in.

I do agree with telling him after your exams if at all possible. But also, I'd want him out of the house before your trip. I wouldn't want to be out of my house on holiday with him knowing he has to leave. You may get back to find he's done a midnight flit and either taken things that aren't his or left a holy ass mess behind him. Or both.

Is there a timeline that works for that? FWIW I don't think that 2 weeks is unreasonable. And if he doesn't have a lot of large items (furniture, etc) even 1 week is doable. Where he goes is not your problem so don't be sidetracked by that. You just need him to be gone. If you wish to volunteer as a kindness to keep some of his things for a short time in order to facilitate him being gone before your trip I don't think that's a problem, providing you can get the locks changed and he understands there will be NO access to the house whilst you're gone. His stuff will be there until you get home. And I'd give him a definite date to get it all gone, too.

A patio business? Is it going well? Do hope so. Clearly massive concrete needed

This 1000%

I'm not a high earner but I work long hours and I've been saving as much as possible for a little house on my own.
My last girlfriend kept saying her sick leave was temporary but eventually her work finished her.
I asked many times what her plan was regarding getting back into work but nothing changed as the benefits and free house were keeping her ticking over. But life ticking over with very little spare money even for a night out or takeaway was the height of her ambition.
So after 10 months I finished it. Once I own my home outright in the next 2 years I want to enjoy life and travel . So it was never going to work for us. I don't regret the split.

@BeLimeTiger Are you sure he did manage with young children? He’s divorced I presume. Maybe he let ex do the hard work?

Id want him out before your holiday. It’s excellent you are going. You have just got the hard bit now!

Yes. Changing the locks before you go is a good idea. Let him get his key stuff out and then sort the rest when you get back. Definitely don't have him there by himself with you far away.