DP’s self employed dream has become my nightmare

[BeLimeTiger]

My partner and I (I’m mid 40s, he’s late 40s) have been together five years, and he moved into my house almost three years ago. I have one DC (10) and he has grown up DC. He pays half the utility bills and a small rent contribution as I can’t have a grown adult living in my house for free. I was hoping that he’d use this as an opportunity to save so we could build a life together. I’m financially stable and have worked incredibly hard to pay off my mortgage so that I can have savings behind me and enjoy things like going abroad in the school holidays.

BF lost his well paid corporate job 18 months ago and decided that he wanted to be self employed. Unfortunately that hasn’t worked out, but he says that he will never work for someone else again. I can see he’s put a lot of effort in, and really seems to believe he’s onto something big. I value financial stability so the past 18 months have caused me a great deal of stress and he gets very defensive when I bring it up. He had some savings, but I suspect that he has burned through most of them.

I had so much hope for our future and I thought I’d finally found a proper grown up that I could build a life with. He was talking about buying a house together in the next couple of years which sounds pretty delusional. I’ve come to the realisation that he’s not someone I can trust financially. He’s got no financial security behind him and that worries me sick.

I’ve been looking at renting a small office a couple of days a week for extra private work (He doesn’t want me seeing clients at home as would find this intrusive) and he made a comment about what good value it is. He got really offended when I pointed out that the cost of this is half of what he contributes to live in my house and he found my comment emasculating.

He’s essentially a nice person, helpful around the house and generally easy to live with but I’ve been anxious about his work situation for well over a year. He was very offended when I said that this isn’t what I signed up for. I know he’s upset that I’m not more supportive but I just can’t help the way I feel.

I think this is the end for us. I’m so disappointed. Any similar experiences here?

That a good power of deductions if not thrown him in the doghouse

@BeLimeTiger

As far as your 'action timeline' this is what I'd want to factor in.

I do agree with telling him after your exams if at all possible. But also, I'd want him out of the house before your trip. I wouldn't want to be out of my house on holiday with him knowing he has to leave. You may get back to find he's done a midnight flit and either taken things that aren't his or left a holy ass mess behind him. Or both.

Is there a timeline that works for that? FWIW I don't think that 2 weeks is unreasonable. And if he doesn't have a lot of large items (furniture, etc) even 1 week is doable. Where he goes is not your problem so don't be sidetracked by that. You just need him to be gone. If you wish to volunteer as a kindness to keep some of his things for a short time in order to facilitate him being gone before your trip I don't think that's a problem, providing you can get the locks changed and he understands there will be NO access to the house whilst you're gone. His stuff will be there until you get home. And I'd give him a definite date to get it all gone, too.

A patio business? Is it going well? Do hope so. Clearly massive concrete needed

This 1000%

I'm not a high earner but I work long hours and I've been saving as much as possible for a little house on my own.
My last girlfriend kept saying her sick leave was temporary but eventually her work finished her.
I asked many times what her plan was regarding getting back into work but nothing changed as the benefits and free house were keeping her ticking over. But life ticking over with very little spare money even for a night out or takeaway was the height of her ambition.
So after 10 months I finished it. Once I own my home outright in the next 2 years I want to enjoy life and travel . So it was never going to work for us. I don't regret the split.

@BeLimeTiger Are you sure he did manage with young children? He’s divorced I presume. Maybe he let ex do the hard work?

Id want him out before your holiday. It’s excellent you are going. You have just got the hard bit now!

Yes. Changing the locks before you go is a good idea. Let him get his key stuff out and then sort the rest when you get back. Definitely don't have him there by himself with you far away.

Are you looking for a new patio?

New patio business. . That made me chortle.

You do not have to give any big explanation. Just say « I’m not feeling this any more- you need to leave » rinse and repeat.

good luck with your exams.

Having ones own business isn't easy, a job that pays is much easier, one can switch off then but self employment does not allow this.
Some people cant fit into a job and I would class myself as one of them and I have been self employed almost my whole working life but there is a price to be paid and apart from the money angle there are demands on courage and initiative that are difficult to meet.
Problems come from every angle, employees, debtors, creditors, legal issues, etc, few of them actually contribute more than tangentially towards success although definitely towards failure if not handled competently.

That sounds lovely but I think you need him to not have access to the house while you’re gone. Men who feel they’ve been emasculated and then dumped are often men who get nasty.

You deserve better

He's paying half of ONLY the utility bills and a small contribution of rent. Not sure where you are getting he pays half of ALL bills.

He is a cocklodger with an inflated ego and false sense of self-rightous indignation about working for someone else.

@BeLimeTiger I'm glad the final nail has been set. He needs to go get his own place and support himself. Him expecting you to go rrent a place for your business, so he isn't "annoyed", while using your house for his business, tells me everything I need to know about him.
Let's see how long he does the "I refuse to work for anyone else" trope when he has to house, feed and pay all his own bills.
You deserve better. He can get a bedsit somewhere until he can find a place to rent. If you let him stay there until he finds a place, he'll still be looking in 3 years.

If he's in his 50s or late 40s, he might be getting in adropause, similarly to women in perimenopause, men can also feel unwell. Not that you need to be sympathetic and or think that that's how he managed when he had young children.

he probably did find it overwhelming, it seems he has made himself comfortable having the house as his own sole palace during the working week, and then suddenly there are people around. Doing things. Living in his quiet refuge.

If he is off to the gym and where ever he isnt running and building a business, he is taking it easy.

Im running a business and many days I dont have time to eat, not wanking about being a gym bro and dying my hair.

@Badbadbunny Her "business" was basically fur coat and no knickers - top of the range website, rented posh office, etc., but there was no substance to any of it.

Growing up, I always heard "All hat-No cattle", but I like your "Fur coat-No knickers" much better! 😆😂

@AnnoyedAsAllHeck Are you from Texas, by any chance?! I've never heard your version and do like it. I grew up in Scotland with the "Fur coat and nae knickers" variant.

We had the conversation tonight as holding it all in until sat my exams felt more stressful. We will talk about the logistics tomorrow. I haven’t given him a date yet, but he will need to leave and take his belongings with him before I go on holiday in October. I feel a bit spaced out and sad, but mostly relief.

Well done OP

Well done OP