DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

I have just seen the update that he isn’t going to show her, so absolutely fair enough.

Of course it could be anything, but also with 2 young children and other teens to support on a household income which is not high it’s very possible they’ve just been living beyond their means and he was just too proud to admit it. Sounds like op is not really aware of the ins financially and outs each month.

Yes you could understand 5,000 or something like that but 25,000, no. Something definitely was going on
And his comment that he would rather leave the relationship than show you is very telling

Sorry for drip feed updates. He has said he will now show me the statements - I just kept repeating it’s the only way I can move forward. I guess will see if he follows through and what happens after that. Even if I see the spending was ‘innocent’. He has still betrayed my trust and I can’t seem to get past the fact he said he knew I’d probably end the relationship if I found out - but he wanted to take that chance?! My daughter is doing GCSEs and our son has just started school - why the fuck would you risk that . I’m walking round with that horrible empty pit on stomach and tears constantly streaming

I was fully aware but I was kept in the dark . I actually set up all our bills. He kept transferring from the credit card to his current account so it all looked legit I think

My ex wouldn’t show me statements, wouldn’t discuss. He hadn’t spent it on anything ‘dodgy’, bit of course, he wanted to avoid reality & responsibility. It was also about control - by not showing me his spending breakdown, he had control over me as I was left having to deal with a situation I’d no real knowledge of. It’s financial abuse, in a different form.

Awful.

(he’s still at it today, even tho divorced. Will obfuscate & do everything he can to avoid paying me money due & refuse to talk about it).

OP was not aware of the financial ins and outs because he was deliberately deceiving her and hiding the debt. With hindsight, her real mistake was trusting him.

He is being fundamentally dishonest.
He didn’t make ‘a mistake’. He made £25k worth of mistakes spending out on god knows what, without telling you anything. And you only found out when you were getting serious about maybe moving house!
He kept refusing to show you his expenditure detail because he didn’t want you scrutinising what he’d done? Too right you want to scrutinise what he’s been up to What does he expect?
And why is he paying proportionally so much less than you into the joint account? And why wasn’t HE paying out more when food prices rocketed? Oh yes, that’s right, because he was spending out on other stuff, stuff he doesn’t want to tell you about!

If the debt started three years ago then you need three years worth of statements for each account. Showing you two months worth is insulting your intelligence. And I agree with pp, how do you actually know the mortgage is being paid, do you have a statement?

It's not about him being in debt any more but about his attitude now you know about it. The disrespect, the insults, the anger, the darvo, the refusal to discuss, the continuation of the lies - none are conducive to a safe and caring relationship. Get out now while you can. Go to Citizens Advice regarding benefits, other help from councils or charities, and your house deposit. This man cannot be trusted to put his children first any more so you need to step up and protect them.

Get him to show you straight from the accounts online, so he can't doctor a pdf and print it out. It's pretty easy if you want to be sneaky! Make sure you look through all the years and months, not just his selection. Hope it works out ok.

The thing about showing you the statements and transaction history " not solving anything" is completely wrong. No, it won't pay the debt. But that is not the only problem he needs to solve. The problem he could solve with a much better attitude to you, full transparency and some empathy is that you have no trust in him now because you've been lied to so hugely and your family is greatly impacted. He can work on that , and showing you the whole record could help.

Please may I ask was your relationship happy until this came to light ? I ask because he doesn’t sound that nice, instead of coming to you cap in hand full of contrition he has made you drag it out of him to produce statements

I don't understand how you thought all the bills were being covered. You need to see the bank statements and find out where the money was going.

since we had kids it has been very difficult. There has been a lot of distance but similar to what lots of couples go through. There have been moments where he has been unkind thoygh and lied about smoking for example. Overall he is not a bad person but I would say emotionally immature and his default mode is to be defensive.

Of course you want to scrutinise his spending! You want to see that he has been spending it on just household stuff.

And, if that was the case he'd want to show you to prove he wasn't lying.

At the very least you need to see wherevthe money has gone sonthat you can work out TOGETHER how to budget in future to avoid racking up furthur debt, if it is just household stuff, as he claims.

I am so very sorry for your situation.

I’d want to see the statements. I got into around 9k of debt whilst I was on maternity leave with DC2 and DH lost his job, that was spent on everyday household things. I won’t lie, I could’ve and should have reined it in with the extras like days out etc (nothing major, to a farm but eating there and the like) but bills, food, clothes, new shoes, bigger car seats cost a lot. The only thing that’s worked for me now is having a set budget for every single thing.

It is gambling or prostitutes probably. It always is. He won’t ever change. So even though you can’t care to be a single parent again, I do think that will be the better option of choosing which turd to stand in long term. I’m really sorry. In my experience 99% of men are a disappointment for one reason or another. Rip the plaster off and leave. It’s going to be painful. But a better future awaits eventually. Or stay and it will be like a long goodbye to any chance at happiness for you and all your children.

I’m sorry OP he’s pretty far from a good person. He’s financially abused you to the point you’ve had to go into debt to feed and clothe your DC, he’s not apologised, you’ve said he’s been mean to you and his default is to be defensive.

I think you need to read up a bit on what healthy relationships look like. I’d start with I’m not sure if my relationship is healthy

There’s so much stigma attached to debt. I don’t understand it having been in debt. So I fell into shit times but they were my shit times and I paid it off. All the shame and ending of relationships. Of all the things that could happen in a relationship debt really isn’t the worst thing. It’s like as soon as you find out someone has debt, they are diseased or something.

I don’t think that people are encouraging the OP to leave because of the debt, like you say debt can happen to anyone.

It’s the lying and the barely veiled threat when she’s asked to see his bank statements and the general dishonesty from her “D”P.

Most people with a sizeable debt can only account for about 1/3 of it when pressed.
£25k is a lot, but many many people have debt of that level when you look at car finance, personal loans and credit cards. It is still manageable with the right degree of control.

He’s now saying he has to check the statements first and that he will show me in time. He wants to understsnd what happened with the money first? I’m walking round the house like a jibbering mess - crying constantly, so distressed and he is prolonging this…
please tell me people who left that it worked out in the end? That you are happy? I was planning our future days ago., imagined getting old together etc and now my
world is being torn apart.

What is he trying to hide? He’s making sure you don’t see the suspect transactions.

Are the accounts joint? Could you apply directly to the banks for copies? Or access the accounts?

Maybe he really does want to get a handle on things before sitting down with you, but he’s not doing much to gain your trust, and the obvious conclusion from the delay is he’s hiding something.

I’m sorry but 100% he’s gambling.

There’s not much hope without him being honest.

Whys he delaying, he either shows you or he doesn't. Give him 24hrs to show you, no checking first.
Also, if this was household expenses, what's changed? How is he now paying it back rather than racking up more?
You say household expenses come from joint account, how was 25k spent witho6you realising. He's got a secret OP