DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

Remind him you are a partnership & the only way to tackle this is to work together, to go through the statements to work out where the money has been spent so that you can make new budgets for the household in general & for the debt to be paid down.

not saying you have to contribute towards paying it down or that you should forgive his lying but a more understanding and caring approach might let him put the barriers down & tell/show you it all so you can then work out what to do.

You are going to need to reassess all your outgoings/incomings anyway. Can you check statements on the joint account to see if he has been putting in extra money every month from when you were on mat leave ?

I can understand this if it was part of a pattern of financial abuse. It sounds like a total nightmare. I’m so sorry that you’re still contending with it on some level.

Exactly, it’s this. People are very fixated on knowing where the money went not solving the problem. But it fixes some of the trust problem by creating transparency. The main alarm bell here is an outright refusal to show her the statements which makes NO sense if it wasn’t spent on anything highly suspect.

There is a big difference between sticking by someone who has racked up debt on endless unthinking spending and sticking by someone who has racked up a debt on gambling, other women or similar. You are dealing with a much bigger problem with the latter.

Can’t sleep again - at the moment I’m trying to figure out where on earth the spending has actually took place . He said there was nothing to see on actual credit card statements for the period ‘it got bad’ as he was just transferring money to them to his current account . I said ok well let me see that tjem and he keeps yo-yoing saying he will show me then questioning why and what I want to see and now saying he will show me after he’s looked first. It feels like psychological torture. I kept asking if there’s something to hide to just tell me he is still saying theres not

I’m so sorry this happened to you

He is coming up with excuses for not being transparent with you about his spending.
"...in time" is deliberately vague BS intended to stop you asking.

He has caused this and betrayed you. To show you anything less than every transaction without hesitation is NOT good enough.

Any embarrassment he claims over the situation is his to deal with, not your responsibility to absolve.

You and your DC deserve so much better @Headspangle

Have you been honest with him and told him you dont believe he spent £25k on day to day living?
You could tell him if it was that then you will work through it with him but you believe there is something else going on like gambling and then the next steps are very different. He has lost your trust by hiding the debt, which affects both of your lives, not just his. So you dont trust him and want the information so you can know the facts. Tell him by hiding the statements it makes you more certain that there was spending on something like gambling. You very much want to move on as a family and put this behind you but you cant do that until you know the complete picture, whatever that is.

If he would rather lose you than show you statements that back up what hes said then hes lieing and hiding something.

Your then left grieving for the man you thought he was and not who he actually is. Ending a marriage is very very hard and may be use that to your advantage with him. I would be impressing on him how much you want to stay together if he shows you the statements, what the future looks like with the debt paid off in 4 years - holidays etc. Once you then have the information you can make the decision.
Good luck. Its a horrid situation.

Tell him you believe it’s gambling which is a 100% deal breaker for you. If he’s not willing to show you the statements IMMEDIATELY then he can pack his stuff. I’m sorry OP, it’s a horrible horrible situation but letting him not show you the statements or making you wait for them is completely unacceptable and fatal for any chance of the relationship surviving.

Thanks all. I have hardly slept again and actually feel physically dizzy this morning.
move kept repeating that it’s very reasonable what I’m asking and that he has eroded my trust and so I need to see and for us to make a plan with budgeting / have a chance at rebuilding trust. One min he says ok he understands and next he’s asking why I need to see them again. I’ve said I really can’t wait more than a couple of days because I am so distressed. Don’t feel I’ll be able to go to work this week when feeling like this. He should be fighting for us and doing whatever it takes but he’s almost making me feel bad like I’m to blame on some way as our communication was so bad he couldn’t tell me.

The lack of sleep will make it hard for your this morning. I have experienced insomnia for many years so know how even one bad night can impact your emotions. Be kind to yourself today OP.
However credit card statements certainly do show what money is spent on, unless it is cash withdrawals.

He keeps asking why you need to see them? I don't think he has any intention of fighting for the relationship OP. He is clearly ashamed of his behaviour. So sorry this is happening to you.

He is hiding something

Thank you, I will try my best. Doesn’t help in the lead up to this my youngest has been waking every half hour with teething / a cough.
obviously I’ve no idea what to believe he ssud he was just transferring money from the credit cards so there would be nothing to see - so that’s why I said I wanted to see his current account then. He’s never moved money directly from credit card to our joint account as I would see that

I’m sorry OP but refusing to show you the statements right now means he’s hiding something major. Don’t wait 2 days for them, there is simply no point. Look after yourself and do what you need to do for you.

Yeah 😢 even if he really has just spent in on food or bits n bobs that we’ve needed , the fact he isn’t deeply remorseful and wanting to prove to me he can be trusted immediately is making me think the relationship is over . Maybe he is so ashamed - he said we would be better off without him etc so perhaps he has already given up . Just thought we would be worth more to him. I can’t believe he would throw away his beautiful family and chance of being in his children’s lives every day for his pride

He hasn’t spent it on food and bits and bobs. He's spunked it on gambling or something else he’s ashamed of. Simple as that.

Refusing to show you tells you what you need to know. I would get ready to leave. I’m so sorry x

I think the trust has gone and so the relationship is effectively over. So sorry OP. 💐

He knows that if you see what it really is you’ll end the relationship anyway
I hate how he’s trying to turn it on you though , tale as old of time of course , they follow a script I’m sure

My goodness his nonsense about money in and out and nothing to see is making me so cross on your behalf OP!
Of course banks and other credit card companies show what money is spent on and if a person is so reckless they actually transfer money from a credit card account into a current account to spend, the current account statement will show where its going.
The only exception is cash withdrawals, however on all my statements that shows by name or code the actual cash machine I take it from.
I understand he doesnt want to show you his financial records but personally I would want to see them all.

He’s gaslighting you again. None of this is your fault. If he really thought that communication was poor between the two of you and he couldn’t tell you there are lots of things he could have done.

He can see how upset you are. If there’s nothing to hide as he says, then why isn’t he showing you the statements? He’s either up to more dishonesty by trying to tamper with the evidence, trying to make you stop asking by threats that the relationship will be over if you keep asking for this very reasonable request or he’s trying to put off the inevitable as he knows you’ll leave anyway when you realise what he’s spent this huge amount of money on.

Don’t forget too that he’s had far more disposable income than you and yet he’s been willing for you to go into debt to feed your DC. It’s not just the debt he’s racked up, he’s spent all of that money too.

Stay strong OP. Tell him to go and stay with his DM as you need some time to think and tell him that if you haven’t seen everything by the end of the day then you can’t see how you can continue in a relationship with him.

And also tell him that from now on he needs to be paying more into the joint bank account so that all of your expenses are covered

truth is we couldn’t survive financially without him. I’d lose everything. I am so devastated

That’s a tricky situation if you don’t trust him but feel you will lose everything without him. In a calm moment, I would start to plan realistically what your finances would look like if you did split up, as this is the only viable option I can see if he isn’t going to be honest with you?

It doesn't make any difference now.

If he spent it on drugs, prostitutes and gambling you have to throw him out.

If he spent it recklessly on innocent things you can't trust him with your future and you still have to throw him out.

Forget the statements. Throw him out.

I'm so sorry he has let you down like this 😔

I really don’t like how he’s trying to say he spent it on food and bits and bobs for the family. He’s gaslighting you and trying to say it was all for his family.

If that was even slightly true he’d be pushing the statements under your nose.

He still lying to you and he's gaslighting you. These aren't the actions of a man who wants to save his marriage.