DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

He’s finally said he will show me his 2 credit card statements he paid off with the loan but vant do it on his phone or something … he said he wants us to work but he doesn’t know if it’s possible

He laughed when I asked did he spend it on OF or something - said what a ridiculous question. I said I didn’t think it was very funny

Why does he think the relationship won’t work? Is it because he doesn’t want to be questioned about why he’s put all of your financial security in jeopardy and lied?

I would leave. If he would rather end it than show you, he’s hiding something.

You still shouldn’t be paying half for the other things, you don’t earn away near what he earns.

If you’ve had to pay half all of those expenses, what’s he been doing with his disposable income? Sounds like he’s had much more disposable income than you and now he’s racked up significant debts in top.

Have you seen his pay slips? Could he have been lying to you about his earnings?

You’re right and my thoughts exactly. It may well be that he hasn’t spent it on anything dodgy and his intentions were good and didn’t want to worry me etc but even so you don’t keep that from your partner do you

I agree people can waste money in other ways, including random expenses getting out of control. I find it very hard to believe you’d refuse to show statements at the risk of losing your relationship if that was all you’d spent it on.

I’m sorry but I agree his message was shocking, anyone would think you were in the wrong. It’s immaterial where the money went at this point his reaction to the whole situation would be enough for me to walk away, he doesn’t want to live with your resentment ?

He paid off with a loan…. So he hasn’t paid it off, just transferred it to a different platform.

It would be a massive red flag to me that the debt is increasing rather than going down. If he’s not willing to be truthful then I don’t see how you can carry on. Have you checked that he hasn’t racked up any debts against the house?

I would tell him he either shows you absolutely everything or it’s over.

He’s likely scanned through his statements and found another 2 that have nothing incriminating on them. If he can show you these then why not them all?

I'm assuming there's more to the debt than 'things were tight' and he was trying to cover the shortfall? Surely you knew/know roughly how much he was bringing in, how much your savings were/are, and how much your family expense were/are? So you would know if there was a 5 figure shortfall.

Every relationship I've been in where we lived together, we knew pretty much what each other's financial situation was, even if it wasn't down to the penny.

Wow, what a prick.
He doesn’t want his spending scrutinised? Well he should have thought about before dragging his family into a huge debt!
I agree with others, if he isn’t absolutely transparent then he’s very clearly hiding something. I wouldn’t let this drop.
He can say he’s on top of it all he likes but he’s still lied to you, more than once and his actions have and will continue to impact you and your children. He doesn’t get the luxury of withholding information when he’s done what he’s done. And now he’s gone running to mummy because it’s eating him up? Shame he wasn’t honest with you!
I’d never trust another word that came out of his bullshitting mouth.

There is no other explanation that I can think of other than there is something to hide, if he won't show you the statements. Could it be gambling?

He is only sorry as he was found out.

The fact that he got a consolidation loan to pay of cards and then ran them up again, shows that he needs help and support. I am another one that would recommend Martin Lewis website. However, the posters there who can offer great advice, will explain that the most important thing is to understand how it happened and what led to the debt building up. It sounds like your partner is not ready to do that

Im so sorry Headspangle. My last marriage was like this. My exH got into horrendous debt, I paid it off he said he would never do it again and this went on for 20 years.
He didnt want to save for things, he wanted instant gratification.
I thought we would be together always and enjoy retirement together but 7 years ago I realised if I stayed with him I'd retire in poverty so I decided to let him go.
It was heartbreaking but it was the right choice.

He has something bad to hide I'm sorry. He would rather end the relationship than have you find out what.
I think you could work through the debt if he was honest but he isn't. You will never know what the money has went on and it will eat away at you. He's gaslighting you and making you feel as though you are in the wrong by asking for accountability. It's a very dishonest and manipulative message.
If there was normal spending on there, even if it was some splurging for himself he'd show you everything.

So if you said let's look at each other's credit files together would that show the full picture?

If you suggest that and he won't then you have a clear picture of your partnership.

It seems like good news that you're not married.

It will be gambling, it usually is

ive met so many men who just cannot live honest lives. He’s someone who is deceptive. You just need to decide if you can live with that. No judgement from me - many many men and women do not live honest lives and many partners just put up with it. You just need to decide if you can. This won’t be the first time he’s lied and it won’t be the last time either. Just make sure you protect yourself if you stay.

Seriously you need to see all his statements from the last 5 years or so. All this nonsense from him is because he has some secrets to hide.
Ill repeat, I went through 10 years of my mother's statements in a few hours. The lawyers double checked and there were literally two payments I had missed out of hundreds. The format is designed to be easy to use. And all amounts are clearly shown and who they are made to. It is quick and easy. And you can get them printed. He is hiding the recipients of the money from you. Even if it is Uber eats or John Lewis.

So I’ve been on the other side of this. I’d ask yourself before blaming him completely, how involved have you been in family finances, how good have you been as questioning how well you are doing financially as a family etc.

For years I hid our situation as I didn’t want to stress DH who already felt he should be earning more etc. I was embarrassed we couldn’t live to our means. But he also had no oversight of how much our bills had increased etc.

I would personally want to make sure that it genuinely was on household expenses and the thing that saved our marriage was full transparency going forward. We built a plan together to get out of it, we had a joint account for all the bills that we both check all the time, we agree any large purchases and how we will fund them.

I bet sexual services. Usually and I can only speak from experience, is serve gambling to 25k debt for example, and you would have thought something was going on as it’s crippling when it gets a hold of someone.

I work with clients who struggle with gambling and every months statements has stuff on. The amount of Omaze spends I see is really sad but yeah there would be multiple expenses on it unless it’s scratch cards etc.

Bottom line you have to had a clear picture and his message where he says he understands if you don’t want to be with him is so manipulative, it’s his way of wanting you to go oh no forget about it and move on. It’s clear he’s hiding something to show you a few that look okay and not the others

I don’t think victim blaming is useful at this point and it’s great that you have full transparency but the OP is not been offered this. In fact there’s an implied threat that if she does insist on seeing where the money went he will instead choose to leave.

I am absolutely not victim blaming in anyway. I am offering a perspective from the other side. I felt completely responsible for our situation but was unable to come clean about it for years. If he isn’t able to give full transparency then of course she can’t move on, but what I am saying is sometimes there is nothing sinister to it, especially if she has left him to manage all the bits and family spending whilst on maternity leave etc.