DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

I’d also do a credit check on yourself to make sure he hasn’t taken out any of the debts in your name.

Maybe I’m being naive but there’s no chance of that I don’t think thankfully as we haven’t missed any payments

You don't get interest-free consolidation loans. Loans will always be interest-bearing. Does he mean he has done a 0% balance transfer move?

Plus on 55K he needs to make sure he is being as tax efficient as possible for the 40% portion of his wage? How does he pay his pension? Who claims the child benefit?

I earn the same as him and have 55k on 0% credit cards - the difference being that mine is all in high-interest savings accounts making me money (stoozing). It appears he is very un-savvy about all things money.

So whatever caused the debt, started around the time your first was born. You say ‘2 very young kids’ so it seems to fit. Perhaps around the time you got pregnant.

Was there anything back then that has changed about him?

I agree with ppl saying he is hiding more and that’s why you only got to see only one month’s detailed statement. One that happens to be ‘clean’. You could ask to see 2-3 more to test his reaction, but months you randomly pick. Pick a month when things felt bad and difficult.

If he can’t agree to show you more (btw, i do agree that you need to see everything but this at least would test if he’s willing to just pull up a random month’s statement without opportunity to make sure it is ‘clean’), i think it’s bad news.

Unless he is totally transparent, i couldnt trust him again. Because you will always wonder what exactly he spent the money on (£25k over 3 years is nearly £700 a month which is significant).

On one hand, with 5 ppl in the household, i can see how this might have happened (i assume as a family you are on an average total income, just about enough to cover all).

He should have talked to you way before it got to this point though.

what a shock OP. I’ve heard this sort of thing referred to as “financial infidelity” which I think describes it well.

from my past professional experience of dealing with people who have mysteriously built up large debts:

on £25k the interest/charges can easily whack it up quite quickly, so not all of it will be actual money spent. His £15k is perfectly possible as the actual sum.

It was always spent on something - but it’s surprisingly very easy to spendthrift your way to £25k.

the spike a few months ago indicates there is something to hide - if you didn’t see the evidence of spending (eg a sudden holiday, he had lots of new stuff, went out a lot), that’s the part which might point towards gambling etc.

if he won’t show you the statements - it doesn’t necessarily mean there is something awful, people hold a lot of shame when they’re found out on this sort of thing. But - he needs to be transparent and show you them.

I’m also intrigued as to where he got a £25k interest free consolidation loan? That doesn’t sound quite right to me.

I also think you need to both take a look at your household finances together though.

You need to see the credit card statements and see what’s what.
Then make a decision depending on if it’s day to day family necessities or something else.
He must be transparent now.

Yes maybe it was a balance transfer… I don’t understand because I’ve NEVER had a credit card or proper loan. He has one big loan and at the moment x2 credit cards with aboit £6000 on combined . Lots of other cards were listed on the report but they said £0

But do you mean that you were paying for food?

All shared costs should come from the joint account.

If he is saying that this debt came from household spending, then your household budget would have needed to be addressed.

If you are saying you’d budgeted correctly, his debt is not household expenditure but something else.

If you had to increase your overdraft, did that not indicate an issue in terms of your overall budget?

There's clearly an issue but how much is your DP having a debt / money issue and how much is you as a family living outside your means needs to be figured out.

You absolutely need full disclosure. He’s told a huge lie and it’s not unreasonable for you to want to know the whole truth. It’s the only way you could ever get past this.

You also need a joint meeting with some kind of debt advisor.

I know you are devastated but don’t think that your children’s lives are ruined. This is obviously a big chunk of debt and upgrades will have to be put on hold, but if he’s committed to paying it off you could get back to a better position in the future.

We have enough to cover mortgage and bills it’s all accounted for but becsuee food is so bloody expensive we’ve kept needing to buy that out of our own money because what we were putting into the joint account wasn’t enough (I raised this but because I physically couldn’t pay any more had been left with no choice but to use my overdraft when we run out of milk etc).
he has kept saying it’s all under control and that lots of people have debts which maybe it is and I don’t want to catastrophise unnecessarily but even if he’s paying kt back it’s still going to really hit us financially isn’t it?

Sometimes impulsive spending isn’t all bad. I speak from experience and there is a shame attached to it that can make people defensive.

Now is the time for gentle questioning without blaming to try and find out the root cause. Potentially agree that one partner handles all finances with transparency on both sides. I did this. It really helped as did a late ADHD diagnosis. A radical overhaul of habits too.

If your partner isn’t prepared to do this. You have a decision to make.

But do you set budgets for food & stick to it? Most of us these days have had to cut our cloth and stop unnecessary spending on meals out, pub, coffees etc - especially if you have 4 kids.

Who does the food shopping / where do you shop? Do you meal plan & batch cook, share cooking, use loyalty schemes etc. Do either of your workplaces have employee discount schemes where you can buy discounted gift vouchers etc?

I really feel for you, but then I have complete oversight of all our finances and anything outside of our set budgets gets discussed - whether a new kettle, shoes, renewing insurance etc.

message he sent me this morning -

I’ve said this many times, but I am sorry for the hurt and stress that I’ve caused you. As I say, there weren’t any wild spends that led to this, just stuff building up over time and going out of control. I was foolish and made a mistake, but I’m managing that mistake. I’m still paying it and it will end over a certain period of time. I didn’t feel comfortable showing my statements, but I showed you the most recent to give you a picture. I’m trying to resolve this situation financially now. Going through all of my statements over the last few years isn’t going to solve anything. It’s not possible to go through it all anyway. My goal now is to resolve the situation I’ve put myself in as best possible. If I could go back in time I would, but I cant. Wherever you stand, I’ll respect. If you don’t want to be with me, then I understand. If it’s too much to continue or too much has happened, I get it. There’s no point in living with with resentment or living being resented

so he’s not going to show me…

You may need to approach this slowly and gently to get to the truth. Once you know the truth you can decide how to act.

If he doesn't obviously spend money then that makes gambling or other online addiction more likely.

There is no need to act immediately, get over the shock first. Do you know if he's had debt before?

If he was saying “it’s all under control and lots of people have debts” whilst you’re going into debt to feed your DC then he’s been gaslighting you for a while.

I’m so sorry. This must have come as a real shock and from what you’ve said he’s neither remorseful or willing to put Amy effort into repairing the trust you’ve lost.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Hi op there is a lot to unpack with this.

1. Firstly the lying. Your dp lied for a long time about building up debt and didn't tell you. Unacceptable.
2. The lack of responsibility with money and how this will affect you more long term.
3. Where exactly has the money gone, your dp needs to show you account statements so you can see.

I would be concerned there was something else going on in the background like a gambling addiction or something else. This is not normal sorry op X He should also be very apologetic and do anything to earn your trust again xx

He’s hiding something
you could try and get ‘back to normal’ but this will forever eat away at you wondering if he’s gambling or using only fans or worse . If it’s just innocent household spending he shouldn’t have an issue with you looking. He’s willing to lose your relationship rather then let you see them and that’s a huge red flag

He’s hiding something
you could try and get ‘back to normal’ but this will forever eat away at you wondering if he’s gambling or using only fans or worse . If it’s just innocent household spending he shouldn’t have an issue with you looking. He’s willing to lose your relationship rather then let you see them and that’s a huge red flag

And he’s also turning it back on you saying that he can’t live with being resented. You’re not doing anything wrong OP, asking to see the statements is very, very reasonable given what’s happened.

I have experience in this. It’s dire.

My advice, it’s brutal but priority is safeguarding you & your children’s future.

For this reason, ducks in a row.

Establish if the debt is in HIS name only. Make sure he hasn’t taken anything out in your name or secured on the house.

You need to grasp this by the fucking throat and get the information.

Get advice, start by searching for women’s charities that can guide you, and see citizens advice.
Arm yourself with as much good quality advice and education around YOUR rights, YOUR best next moves to cushion the impact on you as much as possible.
I wouldn’t get dragged into the weeds of the what and why’s because it’s delaying and wasting time which is costing you. Just get the advice.

My experience is from watching on the side lines this exact scenario… except it played out repeatedly over many years. It’s a dogs life for anyone to suffer and the risk of it happening again is high.

It’s not your doing, it’s not your mess. It’s time to either shit or get off the pot.

He is absolutely hiding something. What possible reason would there otherwise be for resisting this so strongly? He’s giving you further reason not to trust him and is calling your bluff on ending the relationship by pretending it’s OK with him. At this point I’d tell him I want to end it. It’s either gambling, an addiction, or another woman he’s spent that money on. There is absolutely NO reason to hold out like this otherwise.

Yes, it is.

You have several problems.

The first is clearly his debt. He has to show you everything, the spending, statements, loan agreements & then you work out why it has happened.

The second is that your household budget wasn’t working, if you had to top it up from your overdraft. And if that’s the case, it sounds like you’d no personal spending money? For yourself? That’s not ok. I was in that situation. My H spent wildly on his hobbies, nights out, clothes & all my money went on the kids / household costs.

If he won’t be honest and address this, your relationship is over. As hard and expensive as it will me, I speak from experience when I say you will be worse off by staying. I stayed a decade & every penny was gone by the time I got the courage to leave.

This isn’t unfixable, as a problem. But it requires full transparency, responsibility and a commitment to change from your DP.

His message to you this morning wants you to basically put up with the lying and accept the debt. He isn't going to show you his accounts and he won't allow you to be unhappy about it.

It is totally reasonable for you to see what his spending has been on so you can both figure out where joint overspending has been. If he really is running up debt buying the weekly shop and shoes for the kids then you both need to know how much that is sp you can rebalance the finances.

However, if he is spending it on... other things, then he needs to admit it. And address any issues around it.

I disagree.

none of these applied in the case of my feckless ex.

He simply didn’t understand money, wanted ‘stuff’ and had no personal responsibility, and because he was abusive, he didn’t care what he did to me or the DC.

I’m not saying that OP’s partner is abusive. But it might not be the case that there’s a secret issue like gambling or addiction.

Respectfully I think you need to get wise to what loans and credit cards offer. There are no interest free consolidation loans.

The fact that you know nothing about this type of finance means he's able to ride roughshod over you

The fact that he won't show you the cc statements means he has no intention of being clear and honest

The fact that you arent fully aware of all his debts means that you don't know what money you and your family have available to spend

My advice is leave this man. Claim UC in addition to your salary. Get Child Maintence

Don't allow a man to do this to you again. Get savvy about finance