DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

Anger is good. Stay angry.

Also, this is the point where you clearly need to wise up on finances, loans, CCs etc.
I was a bit like you too, in good days my exH was in charge of mortgage, bills etc as i felt i never had time to pay attention to those with small kids. So i didnt pay attention.
Then things came crashing down and i cracked on with divorce and had to get to grips with all those things. It’s not that complicated tbh.

He’s not really trying to rebuild the relationship here and STILL isn’t willing to be honest with you.

I’ve been told I will be sent some screen shots of the rest of the statements. I asked could we not just sit down and go through them together he said no he doesn’t feel comfortable. It’s looking bleak and I am so drained. I just need answers now. I asked if we could have a conversation after he sends the info too and he said not tonight he needs time to think. What the actual fuck.

Clearly the screen shots that get sent will be carefully selected.

What is he hiding...

He has no intention of showing you everything. He never will. The only conclusion to draw is that there are things too awful to admit to. But he will keep resisting and occasionally drip feeding you snippets until he (hopes he) wears you down.

Is it possible he's having an affair? And the statements might show hotel stays, dinners, presents etc?
He could easily sort this right now by just letting you scroll through statements. The fact he won't let you near them tells you that he has MUCH more to hide than just debt

At this point op you need to take the bull by the horns and end this . You know he’s hiding something bad . He’s just trying to buy himself time and hopes you’ll cave and let this go .

I’m not sure… I feel like the way he is behaving he wants me to end it. I don’t think affair, I’ve seen his phone and apart from the odd night away for work he is always at home. It’s either he is hiding something huge or just being a dick about showing me his stupid spending . He clearly doesn’t want to fight for his family but will make me look ljke the bad one if I end the relationship .

You say …

You know what, Mr Headspangl? You’re ‘not comfortable’ sitting down with me, your wife, the person you’re supposed to love the most in all the world, and going through your bank and credit card statements?

Well, Im ‘not comfortable’ hearing my so-called partner constantly lie, dissemble, avoid the truth, be dishonest, trash my feelings, avoid responsibility and fail to provide a single straightforward answer to any of my questions.

Don’t bother coming home. I can have a more productive conversation with the toilet brush.

I can only imagine how hard this is for you but it seems you are flogging a (brain) dead husband.

Are you able to tell him the marriage is over now? He's not who you thought he was and I can assure you, you are not the one who looks bad ❤️

It reads as though he 'wants out' of the relationship.

The fact he's kind of trying to push you to end it with the whole 'youll be better off without me' and insinuating you'll just resent him so there's not point suggests he wants you to kick off and say 'its over'. Then he probably won't put up a fight and say 'i understand' and skip off into the sunset.

He'd rather lose his family than show some credit card statements of boring day to day spends. Make it make sense?

Could be a lot of things:

Booking hotels/day rooms
Consistent/frequent bank transfers to someone (a woman, drugs, sex workers etc).
Online porn
Gambling of some sort.

The list goes on.

Which means it's only one of two options:

1. Something dodgy like day rooms/sex workers etc. so humiliating that he'd rather get dumped then confess and have everyone know about it

1. It really is day to day spending. But he wants 'out' of the relationship and this is the perfect opportunity to push you to end it.

OP please make sure you are well looked after during this time. Lean on all family, friends and resources available to you. Get mental health support, counselling, anti depressants. Anything you need to get through this.

You feel so horrendous, not because of the debt itself and the financial future, but because you know it's the end. You know that either you swallow it and sweep it under the rug or you end it. He's made that clear. It's the fear of the ending coming that's ruined your nervous system.

You can and will get through this. You will be happy again. It can't rain forever x

Don't ask him, tell him. All the statements, total transparency or you're off

Yes it doesn't sound good that he is still stonewalling this
It's either something really bad or he just wants out of the relationship at this point

He’s being really manipulative of you right now OP. You deserve a lot better than this.
Lean on support you have available. A life with this guy is no life and he will continue to drag you and your dc down if you anchor yourself to him.
You will get through this and life will be better without him.

It really doesn’t matter what’s in those statements now op and I bet anything you do get to see will be a redacted version that hides all the transactions that show the deception that’s been going on. There’s no point in further conversation as you’ll just be lied to. It’s either gambling, only fans or drugs. But the point is he continues to hide things and lie, so that in itself is now the dumpable offense. Honestly once you’ve been through this you’ll never drag this stage out again. Answers ain’t coming, who cares who “looks like the bad guy for ending it”? Tell people you’re ending it with pride because he’s making a fool of you. Use that anger. Sorry op it sucks for you

Op we’re always made out to be the bad guy . Do you think my exh told everyone I kicked him out for drinking a bottle of red whilst looking after our 11mo at 7am? No he told everyone I was crazy and he wasn’t an alcoholic. Do you think my last bf told everyone I walked out after demanding to know why he had used bondage tape in his drawer after a mountain of other suspicious shit? No he told everyone I was jealous and always shouting at him .
Just tell anyone who asks your truth
I bet this is why he split up with his kids mother too
I think the point of no return has already long gone

Anyone who thinks YOU are the bad guy here isn’t worth your attention.
There are no excuses that can justify your dh’s behaviour over the past week.
Take control of the situation OP. Don’t give control to your DH.

So he still hasn’t sat down and showed you the statements? He’s not trying hard to win your trust, is he.

I think it’s now past the point of needing to know what’s in the bank statements because he’s showed loud and clear the true person he really is. And it’s not a good one.
I’d finish it now personally. Enough is enough.

My brother nearly lost his house due to a gambling addiction. The first my SIL knew was when the bailiffs were at the door. Your partner's depts are too high to be daily expenses. Trading in stocks and shares is also a form of gambling.

My Dad paid off 6 months of my brothers mortgage so he could keep his house and the shock of potentially losing his home, wife and kids did give him a major wake up call. He had a good job and was able to slowly address the other depts and stopped gambling. They are still married and have recently both taken early retirement.

If your partner is otherwise a good man and father and this is a gambling problem it might be something that you can overcome. He does need to admit what's going on, get help for his addiction and work with you on a plan to pay off the loans / credit cards.

If it's some sort of sex related thing, that would be it for me.

Make sure that none of the loans have been secured against your home. One of my colleagues nearly lost his when his signature had been forged by his partner to secure a loan for her business.

He doesn’t feel comfortable.

He’s a total cunt.

For the first time in over a week I have had a sincere message from him saying sorry isn’t enough and that he has been burying his head in the sand and has felt too anxious and overwhelmed by it all. He has PROMISED he will show me everything and that we will talk. It’s the first time I’ve felt a tiny bit of hope but I am Mostly still very worried and apprehensive about giving him another chance. I will need to see if he actually takes action now and have insisted he books couples counselling today.

I'd be wary of screenshots, they could be manipulated. To be sure you need to see the statements themselves on screen in real time

At last!!! Right lets see what he comes up with and if you can get to the real truth about what, when, where and how much. He's got a mountain to climb. Good luck with your exams OP.

Thank you, yes you’re right SO much to overcome and to rebuild. But waiting on the truth still so let’s see what happens. Thank you re exams - it’s my daughter who will be doing her GCSEs - hoping this hasn’t messed her up too much 😢