DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

@Headspangle who cares if he finds out you told all to his mother and gets mad?

The only one who is right to be mad here is you, remind him of that.

I'm so sorry you are in this situation, but you aren't letting yourself face up to it at the moment.

You must know in your heart that you've already had all the answers you need.

You can't trust this man with your future and the future of your children. He has now done this twice. There will be a third time.

I know you know this, but you need us to keep repeating it until you really hear it.

There is nothing that could be in those statements that will make this any better. However that debt arose, you need to make plans for your future and your children's future without this man.

You know this. Please start sorting out all the help available to you to live without him. You will never be able to trust him again. You are better off without him.

So he admits he ‘made a mistake’? But what exactly does he think that mistake was? Getting into debt? Not telling you about it? Hiding his spending from you? Letting you scrimp and save to cover the family food bills? Letting things run on for literally years? Failing to own up to his poor financial management (if that is what it is)?

He is refusing to be open and honest with you. Obfuscating at every turn. Saying he will show you his statements, then refusing. Refusing, too, to put himself in your shoes and see things from your perspective.

He is compounding his ‘mistake’ with every duplicitous step he takes.

Thnk you everyone . Quick update is that I found 2 letters with loan info on. There was one for £12,500 but it was 12% apr so not the 0% he tried to tell me. I am SO anxious about him coming home tonight. I just want him to stop telling lie upon lie. I feel like I’m living in a simulation. I’m making myself go to work because if I was at home I would get in such a state

Im affraid i dont believe he will stop lying to you. He’s in too deep and it’s in his interest to keep you in the state of confusion. Confusion = indecision, the longer it goes on the better his chance that you’ll just accept status quo and do nothing.

He’ll probably say he’s too tired after work (which incidentally was terrible and oh so stressful) to talk about it and you are being mean by pressuring him and should have more compassion about the pressures he’s under🙄

I think I’d want to see the credit card bills

I've got myself into very silly debt from overspending, but was very open with DH about it and showed him my bank/credit card statements. It was all small purchases that got way out of control and DH was cross initially but pleased I'd shared it all so willingly. We negotiated a path out of it together.

If he can't sit down and be honest with you showing you where the money has gone, your relationship is fucked. So I'd stop wasting energy on dealing with his lying, and put that effort into extricating yourself from this before he drags you all down with him.

I think you need to tell him how this evening will go. He is not to be aggressive or to blame you for his debt and for his keeping it secret. The meeting will just be about facts, you will not be judging him and he will be openly sharing all the facts with you. Tell him that after this you will need to take time to decide what you will do next. If he can’t agree to these terms up front or if he can’t stick to them then send him away again.

I too was going to suggest making a plan for this evening.

Even if he was completely open and honest with you now, which is something he’s failed to do at every step so far, do you really want to remain with him?

Being a single parent won’t be easy but neither will the constant threat of losing everything, especially your home.

I think I would call a couple of Estate Agents this afternoon and ask them to value the house one day when he’s at work next week. At least that will give you an idea of the equity you have.

Have you got a friend or relative on standby this evening in case he starts being awful to you again?

And good luck for this evening @Headspangle

Thank you 🙏 . He won’t be back til very late so once again it won’t be today. I’m preparing myself for the fact I may never know the full truth. I sent him a message saying it’s been a week now of me being the worst emotional pain of my life and now is the time to give me honest answers no matter how uncomfortable it may be.

I agree its unlikely you'll know it all. Its bl**dy awful for you OP. You've had your world ripped apart. Hold on until after your exams and then face it. They are important. Limp along til then.

The interest on this is £1500 a year or £125 a month. What are his repayments on it? He might just be servicing the interest 😣

I really don’t think I could forgive him at this point op . If he’d held his hands up earlier and told the truth that he’d gotten himself into trouble (as long as it wasn’t something nefarious) then maybe you could have worked something out but it’s been over a week now of him putting you through this mental torture . I don’t think there’s any going back at this point.

Thinking of you today OP. You will be OK. You will come out the other side of this.

If it's like a savings account you need to know the balance on it. Very easy to see with a couple of clicks on the phone app. He will have a phone app, it's the only way to access it.

Thank you all. My sadness is starting to change into anger - I have asked this morning will he be showing me everything today and still he is being sheepish - no surprise now. The kindest you have all shown me has given me faith in humanity. Thank god for mumsnet. 🙏❤️

Keep hold of that anger! Use it to drive you to work out how you and your children are going to have a better life without him.

Wishing you all the best for your future.

Another one here who is glad you’ve found your anger! He has put you through hell for over a week now.

I also think that you may never know what he’s been up to, what we do know is that he’s lied at every opportunity to you and unfortunately I can’t see that changing.

I have been through similar OP where during maternity leave my DH was covering all the bills including the mortgage as my maternity pay was not too great. Also very likely that we had just moved into a new house so our savings were hit from the move and having to complete repairs. He didn’t hide it as such I believe. I think he felt a big responsibility to look after the family and just got on with it quietly, not wanting to put pressure on me. When I returned to work, it was part time and money was still tight as I was full time before. He continued to cover the mortgage and majority of the bills whilst I covered nursery and groceries. I went back to full time eventually and wanted to sort out our finances as it felt money was never there. Therefore felt we were probably servicing too high of a debt. When I had a discussion with him initially he was cagey about his debt as he was ashamed. I then took a very slow approach by showing him my numbers as I too had a bit of debt. He became more open because I set out that there is no judgement. We are now on the same page and our relationship is so strong as the communication is more open with no judgment. We are both financially aligned and recognise that financially we can do well by combining our finances. We have paid off the majority of our debts and our financial future is looking so much brighter. More importantly, our relationship is stronger. The debt that he had accumulated was purely in trying to keep us afloat. Some men are proud and don’t want to admit when they are struggling especially when it comes to finances and looking after their families. Therefore they will just get on with it, even through they are struggling.

That’s not what’s been going on here though. The OP’s P has been loaning thousands and won’t show her any figures. He’s also had a far higher disposable income than she has yet he’s been happy to see her go into debt to feed and clothe their DC.

This isn’t about keeping the family afloat. This is about a man who has lied and gaslit the OP for over a week and put her through extreme distress and she still doesn’t know where the money went. What we do know is that it hasn’t gone on his family.

Tell him that if he needs to get help from a debt advice charity and that they are going to want to see his statements (otherwise how can they help?).

It's not your place to sort this out for him, and if he's determined to bury his head in the sand over it and won't be honest, there is little hope for sorting it out.

I would try and talk to a debt advice charity for you, and you alone to see how you can protect yourself from the fallout here. Because he is very likely to drag you down with him with this attitude.

Sadly, his lies and obfuscation have been going on for years, and I see no reason why that’s going go change now. I think it’s unlikely you’ll ever know the truth, and after all, you have no reason to believe a word he says.

Time to channel your new-found anger into creating a better future for you and the children. Without a financial deadbeat dragging you down.

If it was all under control why hide it and go so far as an affordability check for more debt?

It could be living costs creep. Things go up or he wants nice things and they add up or he could be showing off when he's out buying drinks etc or he could be gambling or he thinks he's too special to budget.

Whatever it is you have a different attitude to money and now you are going to have to go without for him to pay it back.

I would be furious and if he continues like this you might end up losing your home anyway.