DP secret debt - help

[Headspangle]

Named changed but been ok here for years. Possibly outing myself with this thread but I am in desperate need of advice.
Been with DP for 7 years, 2 very young kids plus one teen each from previous relationship.
since the birth of our first baby together we have had the usual common issues of being distant, life imbalance, resentment, just general trenches of having young kids. However despite our difficulties and arguments I still held onto hope that once the kids got a bit older then things would get easier etc.
well long story short I’ve found out only once pushed that he has secretly got himself into £25k worth of debt. I went for an affordability meeting as we had been talking about moving and upgrading etc so when I had to ask him about any debts i was dumbfounded with what he told me. In fact, initially he said it was £15k which was bad enough but actually turns out it was much more. He said it got out of control and was using credit cards while money was tight and that although it’s a lot he’s on top of it - I’ve seen the credit report and his score is good but it’s still a huge debt and means all plans for the future and savings for holidays etc are out the window while he pays it back - for what he said is ‘only 4 years’ …
im livid and heartbroken and don’t know what to do. We have a mortgage but are not married. I love him and want our children to have stability but how can I trust him - he was always going to try keep it from me. On the one hand he has said sorry and it was wrong etc but then when I was crying and saying how heartbroken I am he said nothing and has made no plan for how he is going to rebuild my trust etc. he even got angry when I said I can’t believe he’s done this to our family and stormed out.
move also been a single parent for years with jy eldest and I can’t bare to go through it all again and uproot our lives - I’d be forced to relocate and lose my job I’ve worked hard for as couldn’t afford where we live now slone and have no support near me.
thoughts? Please be kind.

he is already blaming you - ' he swears it was just on covering bills and food etc while money was tight while I was off on maternity etc. '
as that is almost the opposite to what you said / believe ' I had to keep dipping into my savings to cover things like car repairs or trips away etc…'

Did you not receive a decent maternity pay / did you stay off too long ?

as he is claiming he is in debt by more than the amount you earn in a year ...

Leave him, sell the house, 50/50 split etc.

you can rent and get top up benefits and he will have to pay CMS.

As i said earlier and it turns out to be true some of this debt pre dates you. I also said his mum would know all about it, this is true too plus you've said she is bad with money also. I dont think this £25,000 is everything. Its what you know about but there will be more all over the place, cards, loans the trading account. He wont dare tell you. I 'bet' its been going on a long time juggling, robbing Peter to pay Paul, consolidation, 0% cards, moving debt about. Its a lot of take in but its gonna take a lot for him to crack and let you in, esp as he knows it will probably be the end of the relationship. I've had friends who've had their personal accounts frozen because other half owed the tax man thousands and said nothing. Another whose husband racked up £100,000 of debt. She had savings and inheritance, paid it off and he did it again. Its an addiction that hard to recover from.

Hold on, so this is nothing new to him?

This paints a slightly different picture.

This is a man with terrible judgement around money. He was in debt already when you got together (first mortgage application declined due to that). Do you know what the total debt was then?

It sounds like he has done absolutely fuck all about it since, didn’t bring it down one bit and if anything, it has only skyrocketed.

At this point, to me, question where the money went becomes secondary… what becomes clear is, he is a very high risk person to be financially tied to. I can’t stres this enough.

As his mum was the same and debts predate you, this is entrenched deeply in him. He is not going to become a different person overnight (heck, even over a year).

All the little spends on bets, trading 212 (which i know nothing about apart from other posters writing about it), points at someone with a gambling mindset. This is the same as addiction.

By all means, dig around, ask to see more. But if i were you i would be mentally drawing a line. If i were you this would be enough for me.

Whatever future is ahead of you alone, it is much scarier to be financially tied to a person like him. You will forever be wondering what other financial disaster is around the corner.

I am so sorry you are in this situation, i feel sick just reading about it all. But you can and will get to the other side.

Your updates make it even more likely that he has a chronic gambling problem.

You need to ask him to show you any and all gambling apps and platforms that he uses.

Similarly, he’s likely to have lost a load on stocks and shares, and there’s probably some dabbling in crypto as well.

Sounds like he’s always been bad with money and just been able to hide it from you until you had kids together.

I can’t really add more to the excellent posts that you’ve had since you last posted.

I just wanted to say in the point that his DM is terrible with money, yes it may be normalised for him, but he’s a grown man who will be fully aware of the consequences of debt and also fully aware of the risks he’s taking like losing the home you and his DC live on and losing you.

It’s hard to break away sometimes from the way you were brought up but some of us make a really big effort every day to break away from those destructive behaviours and build a better life for our DC and ourselves.

I mentioned the possiblity of gambling to him and he is continuing to flat out deny that. Says that trading 212 is like a savings account and that he has made money from it and that I don’t know what I’m talking about. He said the sports bets are not often although he had been placing £5-£20 every month on his account. BUT I have no idea what the rest of the money has been spent on. He has repeated he wants to work on things but knows he has caused a lot of pain and that he knows he needs to tell me everything but he is frightened. He’s away now with work til Friday so I guess maybe this weekend I will finally have answers. I am scared too.

As someone who has personally done a lot of therapy I agree wholeheartedly. His residence to change has been his downfall in many ways. I actually feel sorry for him as life could be so different

Away to Friday? That gives you a day or so to dig in peace. Has he got an office you can go and do a major search? Go on the computer? Access any joint bank accounts? See if there’s any bank statements, betting slips (although could be done online), receipts etc laying around, or in the bin, jacket, pockets, briefcase, sports bag etc.

Will he show you his transaction history on trading212?

If he's been trading CFDs he could have made money on some trades and racked up losses quickly on others without anything to show for it. It's technically not gambling, and trading212 has some savings account like features, but I certainly wouldn't describe it as a savings account.

If he's made money from it, I'd think he'd be keen to show you a context where he's been "good" with money, given the bigger picture. But "you don't know what you're talking about" is just a little dismissive.

You can hardy expect him to say ‘you know what.. you are right, i do have a soft spot for gambling and it’s a problem’, unfortunately.

He needs to keep a facade and keep believing he is some sort of clever stock trader who just hasn’t had a break yet. Does he have a big ego generally?

Friday is your day to do spring cleaning in the house, especially around his stuff and check every pocket etc. There might be something he’s forgotten to hide.

If you know what months the big loans were taken out- do they coincide with some big events that involve gambling like World Cup or similar?

Another thought, is it possible that he’s taken out loans to bail his mother out or something? But then he could just tell you that instead of ‘you dont know what you’re talking about’..

Be careful not to suggest he might have ‘helped’ his mother, he might latch onto that idea and try to throw you off the scent… it would help him claim he’s a ‘good guy’ too.

Him claiming the trading is "like a savings account" is a huge stretch, claimed to justify the £££ he has wasted on it.

So he "knows he has caused pain", yet is still keeping you waiting for answers. How sincere 🙄

If it was like a savings account he would still have 25k

He is really stretching it out with these lies.

it's like a savings account? There would be money in there, a lot of it if it was the savings account
My guess is he gam'led it away or risky inves!menta or cr$pto

There was a really big run 2024 and 2025 for cr$pto

Ask him how much is in his savings account at trading212. Its a legit bank, if he's been buying s&s or crypto he should have money in there.

Why's my comment been hidden? I just asked if he had money in his trading 212 account?

Oh, can we not say c r y p t o ?

I’m with trading 212 , but it’s an isa. It’s not my bank account

on trading 212 you can buy & sell share , why would he have this account?
it’s a savings, buy&sell shares account

I reckon he’s buying & selling shares
or
cypto
or
drugs

Hes 100% lying to you

OP , you honestly would not trust him again if you stayed together.
You wouldn’t know if you had a roof over your head , constantly worrying. You mh would be in overdrive

Says that trading 212 is like a savings account and that he has made money from it and that I don’t know what I’m talking about

If he's made money on it, then what else has he been spending on that's led to this much debt? How can he think this is a good explanation?

Agree though that you should take the opportunity while he's away to search everything you can. Take photos of anything you don't have time to read in detail in case he then moves it.

Thanks all - he did mention about having an ISA so maybe that’s what he’s got with trading 212 although why would he be withdrawing money from there if thsts the case.
His mum called me and I told her everything about what I’ve been going through and how he still hasn’t told me the full story. She was upset and worried for me. If he finds out I spoke with her about it he’ll go mad at me but I don’t have anything to lose now and maybe she will talk some sense into him

Why can’t we say c r y p t o ? My comment was hidden too. I am preparing myself that it could well be that anyway as i am remembering conversations and him talking about it but said he would never do it …

To be honest I could believe he spent this much on just living comfortably. 55k is not much when stretched to support 6 people (and you say you get paid less than 25k so your household income is something like 65-70k which is still quite low for such a big family).

You need to have a frank conversation with him and definitely need to see the statements to work out what he spent money on. I would go against many on here and say you should try and salvage the relationship if you feel he is responsive. He might be ashamed and angry as he might feel he is in the wrong, but if its genuinely money spent on family I think it can be resolved.

Edited: just seen that he is a gambler. Ignore all above and get out.

All of what he’s saying is absolute Bullshit and saying you don’t understand is frankly insulting.

Yes, Trading 212 do offer an ISA. If he’d deposited the £25k in there 3 years ago he’d now have over £27k if you added the interest.

Only he hasn’t don’t that has he? The £25k is gone and you still have no idea where he went.

What’s clear is that he isn’t interested in showing you, even though he knows how upset you are.

Unless he seeks help, professional help from a debt charity like CAP or Stepchange and help with potential ADHD then nothing is going to change and this will be your life.

Has he even sat down to work out a monthly budget with you yet or has he left things as they are knowing that you don’t have enough money to feed and clothe the DC?

You, @Headspangle have the patience of a saint. I’d have lost the plot with him by now. His lack of willingness to show you everything and be honest is his downfall, I’d never trust him again.

if he has an ISA, there are no point in having savings if you are in debt, so it sounds a bit suss to me.