Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

@PrincessCalley- do not fall into the trap of thinking he’s just all talk. Go get some legal advice ASAP. I’m not sure how the law works in ROI for splits when the mortgage was paid off with inheritance, I think in England it wouldn’t make a difference to the % you get, but it could be different there. Speak to a solicitor earlier than you think you do. Work out what they think they could get if you fight, see if you can get him to agree to a better deal while he’s still feeling a bit guilty /hasn’t got a new woman yet who might influence his decision to fight for more.

Sounds like you need to see a lawyer. The most important thing right now is to protect yourself financially as much as you can, whilst providing a secure home for the children so their lives aren't upended by this man-child

So he wants to be able to say that you’re separated so he can say he’s not cheating whilst he travels the world shagging around, leaving you looking after the kids in the house the house that he can conveniently come back to as and when he pleases. And he wants to dangle the idea of getting back together so that you hang around until he figures out if he’s got any better offers.

You need to do your own thing. Separate, divorce and cut any financial and emotional ties. Obviously that will be sad for you, but it’s better than putting your life on hold while he dicks about and you having to start again once he’s made his mind up.

He's living in some weird fantasy land where he gets to live a life like a man with no commitments whilst you keep up the home and the kids.

You don't think he'd be able to take a career break and return to his job? Who does he reckon will be looking after his children whilst off travelling.

I think clean break with him having proper shared custody of his children. See if he'll be reasonable about you taking a slightly larger share due to inheritance, especially given the circumstances. I suspect from what you've said that he's having an emotional affair even if it's not reciprocated. You have to be able to move on. He can't just pick you up and put you down again whenever he feels like it, you deserve way more than that.

I witnessed a cheating husband be confronted with his wife’s new gorgeous boyfriend. It was one of the most satisfying things I have ever seen. Just beautiful.

I was the babysitter the dh had shagged around. She kicked him out. She had me to baby sit for her date but the dh turned up on a pretext. Then the gorgeous boyfriend arrived to pick her up. The dh actually had a mantrum. My 18 year old self was agog! The wife was gorgeous and the dh was a troll.

Would you have put your inheritance into a joint asset if you knew he was planning this?
Nope.
Definitely produce your inheritance paperwork and try and get that ring fenced.
Push for it.

I think you should try. Inheritance can sometimes be treated differently. And if you're going to be the kids primary residence / stable parent afterwards then you need to make sure they're comfortable. Why would he need a 3 bed when he is in South America most of the year?

Agree his level of delusion is off the scale (can I dump you, but still have all the benefits of a relationship please while being free to live like I'm single). But you might be able to use it to your advantage. If he thinks you're OK with how things are he might be fine with you having a bigger % as he thinks you'll still share it with him

He sounds rather emboldened IMO. What planet is he living on? Time to burst that bubble my dear. He has decided what he wants to do with his life. He no longer gets to decide what you do with yours. Let him go find himself, if thats what he wants. Do things on your terms now. Not his. Whilst it will be upsetting for the children for him not to be around, his in/out behaviour will do more damage. He doesn't want life with you. He wants life with something/someone else but wants to keep on on tap incase his plans go t*ts up. Sorry but no. Off you pop husband and good luck with whatever it is he wants. The 24 yo gym bunny might sound like a catch now but reality will soon catch up with him. P.S DEFFO get legal advice. Dont be fooled by his reasonableness. Sounds like he is manipulating you into a false sense of security.

OP this will be documented? and taken into account?

So is he wanting to downsize with you to take some of the equity for spending? So he will end up spending part of what he put into the house on travelling, dates, whatever and living in a house with you that you have mainly paid for. Therefore free housing.

He's wanting to dangle the carrot of maybe you will get back together so you don't play hardball. Protect yourself, he's shown what he wants. Dont sell the house until your divorce is finalised and the equity split confirmed. You don't want to end up with him divorcing you when the kids are 18, having spent part the equity of your current house, then having a stronger argument for 50/50 of the new cheaper house. Then you would have less equity and less working years left to get yourself in a good position to buy a decent house yourself.

Also there is the risk you put your life on hold, hoping he will come back to you, risk you will be living an absolute hell as he plays out his single life where you have to see him go off on holidays, traveling, dating, all while funding this by slitting housing costs so he can afford to be flash with his cash

In one of your explainers it sounds like you're entertaining this ridiculous plan.
What you need to do it tell him you're thinking about it, gather evidence on a possible affair and get all your financial bits into place and get legal advice. Id recommend to do this in weeks.
Hopefully if there is plenty of evidence of the money you have sunk into the house maybe you can get a larger share of the sale.
Then you decide what you want for yourself. If you split would you want 50/50 care of the kids?
Id really act quickly and not let this go on for longer. Seeing their dad checked out and losing it isn't ideal, especially if he's treating you less than he should.

yes exactly, forewarned is forearmed (Sun Tzu)

No I wouldnt want 50/50. For now id want majority share. He isnt acting like a rational adult. So I wouldnt want them around that. He has been making strange comments about money lately too so I am becoming suspicious about that as well. We dont have any shared savings as such but we do have a savings pot for the kids that im keeping a very close eye on.

Again thanks for the advice. I am fully taking it on board. Will keep an eye/try to find evidence of the possible affair.

Yes please don't assume you will get more than 50%. My husband cheated and he still got 50% even though I had bankrolled him for years. And he could even have tried to get spousal support!!!

When you’ve been with someone for so long and built a life together, it might feel easier just to stay together. But some sound advice here!
Put yourself and your kids first. Not him - and his selfish needs. what a joker! Seriously. Value yourself , because he’s not valuing you, your marriage or your family ! What - so when he’s done playing off and filling his desires, he’ll come back to married life and family life again when he’s ready ?!
Could you sell the home and get something for yourself and kids. Not him !!
It sounds like he’s framing this whole thing like it’s in your best interests, when really it only benefits him!

Move the kids money into an account neither of you can touch. He doesn't sound rational.

It will work until one of you finds someone else, and the someone else doesn’t like it…. Do you want to meet someone else in the future, because most potential suitors will run a mile when they find out about your living situation? If you are happy to remain single for the foreseeable future it could work but make sure you agree that neither of you can bring anyone back to the house, ever.

id say

yes lets separate, but no I don't want to live with you for a few months so go and find yourself somewhere else to live and have the children every other week. You travel and do what you want around that - you can't escape from being a father but a week at a time is fair

not like he is stepping up now ( he does his own laundry etc but not for anyone else) so he needs a dose of reality, give it a trial - rent and see how it goes

lets try it out with you renting somewhere first then we can sort out whether we like it

presently he is only thinking about himself not accepting he actually has children, other people to fend for, that needs to be pulled into check

Errr no. Just no. He wants to have the best of both worlds. He can't leave you but expect to have all the benefits of living with you. If he wants to leave and have a financial separation then fine. But then you need to do the best thing for you and your children as he goes off and has his mid life crisis. Do not allow yourself to be treated like a doormat

That scenario NEVER works!

I am getting divorced and my new partner is also getting divorced. My husband moved out and my partner has moved out. Both of us would feel weird living with our soon to be exes. That's not a separation. The kids will pick up that things are different and I think its more confusing for them.
Also, and most importantly, what about you. What do you want? You talk about the practicalities but what about the emotions? Do you want to live with him and look after the kids and the house and he just pops back up now and then to live with you? It's not all about what he wants.

Men rarely leave a marriage unless they are having an affair. I'm so sorry, but you will be fine.

So he wants to move out and leave you to deal with teenagers then move back once his children have moved out? Charming.

This 💯

I also immediately thought "psychotic break?", not because he wants to split up or because he wants to travel or because he proposed continuing to live together, but because of the thing about possibly getting back together again in a few years. WTF???? He has either completely lost touch with reality and genuinely doesn't know that what he is doing is incredibly hurtful and disruptive to you and the children or he's an incredibly selfish pig who thinks that you (and probably to some degree the children) are an object or slave with no agency of your own ready to accede to his every whim. You know best what it'll be.

Living with him in any capacity seems like a very obvious no unless he is already doing at least his equitable share of all shared household and family responsibilities completely unprompted and you trust him to continue, doing extra as well in terms of parenting/spending time with the children to make up for any time he is actually away. Since your follow up says you've been handling everything for a year, he's on his own. Make sure he pays CMS if the children still qualify; he sounds like the type who'd hide his earnings if he can. If the existing savings for the children are substantial, perhaps look at moving them into some kind of protected investment or trust that needs to go through a trustee or administrator (not him!) to redeem.