Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

It’s not your problem how much 2 houses cost. Just sell the house, get your own place for you and your kids and let him crack on with his mid life crisis

I’m sorry but it sounds like he wants to lead a double life but with your knowledge to an extent. I agree it would mess you up and the kids especially. You and the kids deserve better and to be respected. If I was in your position I would file for a divorce and sell the house and split the proceeds. You only have one life, I’m shocked he’s even suggesting this. Also he either is having an affair or intends to xxx

First thing, go and speak to a a SHL. Get the ball rolling from your side.

If you can, get details about his financial situation, pensions, ISAs, everything.

Make it clear with the solicitor you are now separated from him and start looking at what properties are available for you.

I’d also let friends and family know what is going on. You need RL support to deal with dickhead midlife-crisis man.

This exactly

how would this even work? so when it’s his days with this kids but you’re in the house you’re just not going to do anything? no washing, no dishes, no cooking, no school runs, no bath times? or it’s his days with the kids and you just still do everything you did before?

Tell him you need a month to consider yours and the children's needs and dont agree to any of his selfishness.
If he goes travelling for months how will this be financed and how will you manage at home? If he pushes to have his weeks of foreign travel away say you will only agree if you get the same time away and the same money while he takes his turn at home with his children.

However he cant have 2 years of fun and freedom and come back to you, its totally unfair. He can have flings abroad but you cant. its totally unfair and unrealistic.
Separate and divorce so you dont end up funding his trips away and make sure he does his fair share of child care.

He is 100% shagging that girl. Get rid of him and have your own bliss.

Are you seriously considering this?
He doesn’t just want his cake and eating it, he wants whipped cream and champagne on the side.
It’s bloody hard, the place you are now. But he needs a rocket up his backside, and you need to launch it. He needs bringing down to reality with a big bump: see the best solicitor you can afford, serve him divorce papers and burst his ego and bubble.

If he goes away for say 6 weeks then tell him you will be doing the same so he will need to look after the children on his own for the same amount of time. He needs to rent a place big enough for the children to have their own space.

Thanks for all the replies. Im not being passive at all. Im actually enjoying how it plays out. I actually think hes gone crazy. Because nothing can happen immediately there is time to see what happens. I have friends in real life who I am talking to and I am also currently attending therapy for the issues that lead us to this point as well as some other things that are unrelated. As I've said I'll happily sell up and get a house for me and the kids. No problem with that. And you are right his living situation is not my problem. Thats a him problem. I just cant understand how someone can upend their whole life on a stupid whim. I feel like im watching a movie rather than living through this

Living together is a bad idea so getting two new places makes most sense. Having them close together is probably easiest for the children. You need to work out what you can afford, likely you will need to take out mortgages on them.

All the best OP, you will be better off on your own. Mainly because you deserve meeting a man who truly loves you and once you meet him you will see a big difference. People always say men never move on unless they have a new woman.

Well, the responses are pretty conclusive. I get thd feeling that you wouldn't be heartbroken if this marriage ended and it also sounds like your dh had already checked out. I don't know the legals in Eire around divorce but please make sure you and your children are fairly treated. I've seen it too many times that the father stops all payments and responsibility fof children once they turn 18, leaving the burden on the mother. Good luck ☘️

Ive worked my ass off to clear our mortgage early so I wont be willing to split down the middle. The proceeds of sale would have to be split 70/30. Stupidly I used money I inherited to clear it 2 years ago. Little did I know eh?!

Nice try! He already has someone else he wants to be with, and he has probably arranged to casually travel the world with her. That's what he thinks he's so cleverly organising, without your knowing what's happening. But, you know, just in case in doesn't work out, he'll very kindly come back to you as his easily-manipulated wife. Tell him to take a long walk off a short pier.

This 100%.
Don't live to serve him and his needs. And by proxy that of the kids. You are more than that. What a sad life this would be.

Someone else will know the answer, but would it be legal for the OP to move 50% of the money in any joint accounts into her own account now, to protect it from being spent on his travel plans? Or would she have to wait?

He doesn't sound as if he's fully in touch with reality and once the money's spent, it'll be a battle to get it back.

Believe me he has been planning for this. If you don’t know what’s in his bank account you want full financial disclosure when you get divorced. Could a redundancy be on the cards for him? Will he pocket the money and sail away? Please listen to all the advice women are offering you from their own experience. Bottom line you do not want a mortgage now. I think the court will agree.

He wants to go and do whatever he likes, sleep around, act like a singleton in his 20s then come back to you in the future!

I'd be categorically refusing...getting legal advice and protecting yourself. I wouldn't live with an ex, that's just asking for trouble. I'd be doing what I could to divorce quickly, split your money and finances (clean break order) and get your own home.

No don’t do it, it all sounds lovely but having daddy at the end of the garden could be a nightmare. A lot of men move on super fast while mothers are left doing the majority of parenting. Watching him do that would be extremely frustrating. Your children are old enough to understand. Spell out you won’t take him back either. He is in for a shock isn’t he! It does sound like a midlife crisis, he could have travelled with you!

The proceeds of sale would have to be split 70/30

I don't think you can just say that

Id love to see your husbands face if you do separate and you find an amazing boyfriend

Mid life crisis in my opinion.

Texting the girl in the gym is a no from me.
Tell him to stop that.

I probably can't but ill try anyway. Why should I have to take out another mortgage so he can benefit. And actually I'll be fine financially if I dont but I did the kids would really suffer.

You can't insist on a 70/30 split, as the starting point would be 50/50 on all assets, including all your pensions, savings, etc, but given you don't know what his assets are right now, you may be able to leverage more of the equity depending on what he has got put away. I would urge you to get legal advice urgently, be prepared that he is seeing someone/after someone, & that he thinks he is cleverer than you. Extract yourself from him financially, including the house sale, & don't live with him or buy another house with him. A small mortgage will be more peaceful than still being involved with him in anyway!