Husband wants to separate but still live together with the children

[PrincessCalley]

Hi all, so I've posted before about my marriage being in trouble. My husband has now told me he wants to leave me. He needs to do things and wants to be on his own, maybe travel to China or South America. Ive been processing this the best part of 6 weeks. Doing okay most of the time. However, we also have 2 kids. 13 and 11. He now wants us to sell our home and move into town and live together. Im actually okay with this idea (about moving to town) but the living together while living separate lives is not sitting well with me. In a few years the kids will have gone to college etc so what happens then? He then floated the idea of buying 2 houses close to each other. Sounds great but this will cost the best part of 900k and our house is not worth near that. We have no mortgage currently. He seems to be loosing his grip on reality in that he thinks life will be great and money will come but im stressing about paying for everything. Kids are expensive, running a house is expensive. He also talks about us getting back together in a few years when we've had time apart. We can then rent the 2nd home. I think hes losing his grip on reality and am not sure whats going on. We are both early 40s. Anyone have any thoughts? Mid life crisis? There is definitely noone else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i dont. As his permanently stressed out wife.

He needs a reality check and a good hard kick up the arse!
Seems like his head could be turned by this 24 year old!

"Daddy"? They're 13 and 11! Old enough to understand what's going on.

He’s either

a) Hedging his bets in case the side piece or until his midlife crisis is dealt with

Or

b) He is in financial trouble and sees selling the house as a way to solve his issues

Eirher way, it is not your problem…. Get all your ducks in a row with regards to the separation and what you are entitled to.
Then get the paperwork ready, even if you cannot sell straight away you need to sort out the details sooner rather than later.

Do not wait, if something was to happen to him / his health you do not want to be left stuck with him in a caring capacity or have to sell your home to pay for help with care costs.

Get a really good solicitor. Talk about getting your windfall back out of the house. Insist on much more than 50/50.. Don't let the grass grow here.

Plan on getting a place with room for three and a single bed for you.

Once a man has started guff about 'travel', separating for a few years under the same roof, blah, blah, you should realise that he's already long gone.

And check that he isn't up to his eyes in debt - pay for a credit check on him. Make sure there are no liens on the house.

Keep evidence of what he is saying and asking for if you can. E.g. if there are text messages/emails.

If you have evidence he wants to go travelling for extended periods then I can't see how that is compatible with 50:50 care or paying maintenance.

In your divorce if you can provide evidence that your partner intends to travel so you will have sole care and no maintenance I hope they would consider that in the split of assets.

Keep evidence of your kids savings so if he takes them you can ask them to be offset from his share of assets to replace them (I hope he wouldn't go that low).

It will be interesting how he reacts when he knows you are looking forward to getting your own place where (I hope) he won't be welcome.

He sounds like a Walter Mitty type.
The absolute cheek of him.
The only rational path forward is divorce.

Protect yourself legally . The way he mentions getting back together it’s like he is expecting you to be a doormat and just lay there’s waiting for him , get a solicitor and get the ball rolling , protect you assets

He is totally deluded. Ask him he’ll handle his 50% of the childcare - presumably he is taking his kids with him to China?!

You could try telling him he’s babysitting the kids on (name most important gym night of the week) as you’ve got a hot date and don’t expect to be home til 6am after a decent shag. See how he likes the “benefits of being separate”.

This could work well if you live together but have separate quarters like upstairs downstairs etc or a granny flat. As long as you do not cook clean or anything like that for him anymore and you also get to travel on your own and have boyfriends. Certainly the finances would be easier and then when the kids are grown fully seperate. If I was going to leave my husband I would do that if I could. That way the kids still get a relatively intact family if you two can be civil to one bother, bring no strangers home etc.

Please don't agree to this. You don't want this and you will end up distressed and hurt. He will move on and probably already has. He wants his cake and to have unlimited access when it suits him. You need very firm boundaries and rules so that you don't loose your mind . Big hugs.

"There is definitely no one else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i don't."

"There is definitely no one else involved but he has struck up a friendship with some people in their 20s who are in his gym and I am convinced this is playing a part. He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls. She has a partner but i am starting to think she give him attention that he feels i don't."

Please read that paragraph again and ask yourself if "There is definitely no one else involved" is supported by "He spends a lot of time texting one of the 24yr old girls."

Don't be naive, he has (at least) a crush .

What a very ordinary man. Shame for him that he’s not a wealthy19th century explorer.

Maybe the money you came into to pay off the mortgage along with his gym activities have given him a sense of freedom about all the possibilities. He won’t want to be the bad guy that breaks up the marriage and abandons the children so he’s setting out his stall in the (maybe subconscious) expectation you’ll sort all the details while he focuses on himself and his fun.

I had one like this. Didn’t pan out for him and he’s now alone and whines at the children to visit him more. Turns out it was me who travelled and grabbed life. He was too weak for any of it.

Let’s say you separate and live together. How on earth does that work? Finances. Dinners. New partners?

I’d ask what plans he has to look after the dc while he goes off to find himself. Keep bringing it back to that.

And think about what YOU want, not just about what’s most convenient for him.

Agree with everyone else, he wants the convenience, status and comfort of a wife and family without any of the work.

If you suggested that he be the one with primary care of the children while you fuck about the place finding yourself, I bet it would go down like a lead balloon.

good grief, there are two of them! ‘allowed?’

He most likely is already sleeping with said 24 year old girl or if not will be soon or someone similar - will that in mind what do you want to do?

This is something I always stress on threads like this. There's always lots of posts about 'oh, he'll have to pay, you'll get EOW to do what YOU want, let him take a turn at struggling to look after the children.'

My XH decamped to the other end of the country, didn't pay for the kids at all and saw them once or twice a year at best. They don't HAVE to do anything and it's a mistake to base your future on your XH being decent.

I was trying to work out how to point this out succinctly. Thanks. This ☝️

Ive no advise for you,but I hope you get an absolute lion of a solicitor and get everything you are entitled to and more. He sounds like an absolute bollocks. Fair play to you for keeping it all going while hes out acting like a prick.

You’re in a perfect position right now because there is no mortgage. I would not move and get another mortgage at all. When he leaves you’ll be wondering if it’s being paid?! I would stay in that home and file for divorce. You’ll get to stay in that home until the youngest is eighteen years old. That gives you time to save up/retrain and apply for better paid jobs to eventually buy him out of his half. You need to separate properly. Why does he think he can still have you at home and leave for long periods of time sleeping around?! That’s just gross. He cannot have both.

I don't think this is a true delusion or MH crisis.

If you are a self-centred manchild this actually makes sense. And the fact op paid off the mortgage 2 years ago using her own money, he checked out the following year and now he's devised his Cake Plan (snapchat, people half his age at the gym, some kind of gap year, and wife and kids on the back burner, the house move meaning he skips out on any and all responsibility)

It is actually quite well thought out in it's own shitty little way- if you are him thinking about me, myself and I.

Op get copies of absolutely everything. Start getting legal advice, try and go word of mouth recommendation if you know any other mums who've split up recently. Like pps said, I'm so sorry but assume affair or something similar.

It's ROI so idk exactly how it differs there.