Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

You’re tying yourself in knots to make this woman’s behaviour a man’s fault @selffellatingouroborosofhate

And you’re even going as far as suggesting the OP’s husband essentially r*ped her, using coercion and his position as her boss to force her into it. Women are capable of making shitty decisions. They have the same motivations for doing shitty things as men a lot of the time.

I've walked out of several jobs where I've been maltreated. People can get fired any day of the week. That's why so many people end up at tribunal. Of course you can say no to a boss.

I know, imagine if he fired her for rejecting his sexual advances. I’m sure any woman living in this decade would have no fear of this whatsoever.

@Operaofthephantom how are you doing?

This thread has been somewhat derailed but a few keen posters who want to have a row. But, I hope in all of this you are ok and are able to see things a little more clearly now a few days have passed and you are being supported by your sister.

@Focussingonme I wasn’t derailing, I was supporting the OP in being justified at being angry at the OW, which she was saying in her last post.

Thank you. It’s descended into complete madness.

He didn’t rape her. They had an affair. It’s already bad enough so I’m not sure why people try to make this even worse than it is.

The solicitors have pushed back on the non binding request and they reckon that it’s unlikely to go further. If it does it does, but it’s unlikely.

I’m better but I have not decided what I’m going to do. I got legal advice but I am also talking to my husband. I appreciate that this will make everyone tell me that I’m an idiot and maybe I am. There have been so many helpful comments here but also so many hateful ones that made me leave the whole thread alone.

Try to ignore the unhelpful comments. No one here has walked in your shoes or know how you really feel. You seem very brave and sensible and I’m sure you will make the right decisions. Sending you hugs.

Until the OP posted her clarification that it was a consensual affair, we had no knowing whether it was or not. Under the circumstances, I wasn't prepared to assume that it was.

Contrary to your suggestion that women need not fear sexual coercion at work, may I remind you of #MeToo? Sexual coercion and exploitation remains rife in certain sectors.

Regardless of the circumstances of any affair, married people are responsible for their own decision to break their marriage vows. Third parties are not responsible for policing other people's marriages. That's why blaming anyone other than the spouse is a misdirection of one's anger.

I gave the OP my advice pages and pages ago: to protect her half of the marital assets by divorcing this Poundland Casanova. I am glad that OP is getting legal advice and I hope the STI tests come back clear, because this lowlife has also put her health at risk by not wearing condoms with the OW.

I appreciate that this will make everyone tell me that I’m an idiot and maybe I am.

You're not an idiot, but you are, I think, in denial. You can't put this genie back in the lamp.

He barebacked another woman, risking the assets that should be to raise your children and putting your health at risk. He didn't even use the basic safeguard of a condom; if he had, there'd be no child to prompt the solicitor's letter.

In thirty years time, will you be glad that you fought to stay married to someone who did that?

Im so sorry, you must be reeling from shock and struggling to process this bombshell.
What does you husband say about all this now?

Yet again another woman who comes here for support, help and guidance and feels she has had to stay away from her thread. Happening too often with people projecting, adding in their own fantasies and being biased. There was one thread last week in which this happened which will long live in my memory. It has to stop! @MNHQ

@Operaofthephantom thank you for coming back and updating. You have to do what is best for you and hopefully you can work through whatever it is you want. You have had some good advice from some, concentrate on those and move forward at your own pace.
It is good that despite his earlier denials your husband is now talking. That gives you some insight into the affair and whatever else has happened. You can be angry at whoever you want. That is your prerogative and you are entitled to call the OW out if it helps.
Good to hear you got legal advice and are in a better place. No one has the right to tell you are an idiot, you come across as someone who will make a decision based on what is best for you and your family, which is how it should be.
Please return to this thread and just ignore the bullies and idiots. Report their posts to MN.
Good luck to you and take care.

How am I in denial? I know what he’s done (although he claims to have used protection but what does it matter now?).

I worry that you are in denial about just how much contempt he feels for you.

He was willing to risk your marriage, being with you, his relationship with your joint children, the company you've built together. He hoped he'd never get caught and that he could sweet-talk you around if he did.

Part of the cheaters' script is "she seduced me, I couldn't help myself". That's a lie cheats use to avoid accountability. When I was younger, there were two occasions where men (who I now look back on with fondness) rejected my seduction attempts. I was not short of male attention generally back then, and I'd already had sex with one of them, so I doubt that it was down to them not fancying me. The point I'm trying to make (that I've not made at all well all thread) is that it doesn't matter if Margot Robbie strips and lies naked across his desk, he could say 'no', and if he valued you he would have done.

Don't let him use your (entirely reasonable) contempt for her to trick you into thinking that it's somehow not his fault or that he doesn't view you with contempt.

The ethical red lines that your husband has crossed here are:

• Broke marriage vows.
• Put you at risk of STIs.
• Risked marital assets being diverted towards child support for an extramarital child without your consent or knowledge.
• Started a sexual relationship with workplace subordinate.
• Started a sexual relationship with someone he had training responsibilities over.

(The latter two being where my concerns about consensuality came from.)

Any one of those five would be a relationship ender for me.

I hope I didn’t contribute to you feeling you couldn’t stay on your own thread, I was trying to defend your right to feel your own feelings in your own space. This is supposed to be the place where you can talk honestly about your feelings, and they are valid.

If you want to work on your marriage, that doesn’t make you an idiot. You’ve clearly been together a long time and this has been a shock, I’m sure. You can take your time to make your decisions and you don’t have anyone else to answer to.

@selffellatingouroborosofhate I don’t need you to remind me of the #MeToo movement, but without anything to indicate anything other than a standard affair, I don’t know why you brought anything like that up. OP is obviously reeling, how is any of that helping?

“ I worry that you’re in denial about just how much contempt he feels for you “

Christ you must be hard to listen to in real life 🙄.
That’s a pretty strong word .
Yeah OPS husband has fucked up big time, but he doesn’t feel contempt for her ffs !!!
That’s not me trying to minimise what’s going on here , it’s just to point out to you that when people cheat on their spouse’s it isn’t because they dislike them so much .
For the majority, especially men , their heads have been turned & they think with their Dick !!

their heads have been turned

Turned by what? The wind? Oh no, silly me, it's "by who", the evil irresistible force that is another woman.

Straight away, a denial of men's agency about who they choose to pursue. Always "his head was turned", never "he turned his head".

Thank you for proving my point about how blaming the OW is a distraction from blaming the cheat that only serves to benefit the cheat.

I refer you to my list of ethical red lines.

• Started a sexual relationship with workplace subordinate.
• Started a sexual relationship with someone he had training responsibilities over.

(The latter two being where my concerns about consensuality came from.)

Where I work, both are disciplinary offences, and rightly. My field has a long history of men in positions of power abusing their power to get sex. Seeing that OP's husband had screwed a subordinate that he's trained was something "to indicate anything other than a standard affair".

You’re taking what I said completely out of context when you know exactly what I am saying.
Where exactly was I saying anything about the OW ???
My post was just calling you out on saying OPS husband feels contempt for her .
That’s a shitty thing to say to her when you & I both know , along I’m sure with every other woman on this thread , that is not why he had an affair !!!
Men cheat for Sex , most of them anyway , not because they dislike their wives so much like you were trying to imply in your post .

He’s also clearly trying to squirm out of providing for his child. I feel sorry for them .

Contempt isn't defined by active dislike, but by a profound lack of respect. A man can like his wife's agreeable personality and the wifework she does for him whilst still holding her in utter contempt by failing to treat her as an intelligent person and full partner worthy of the basic respectful conduct known as "staying faithful".

OP's H's actions demonstrate that he doesn't respect her, their children, or their marriage. He might like being around her and like what she does for him, but that doesn't translate into him respecting her.

@selffellatingouroborosofhate my question was: how is any of this helping the OP?

Why can’t you just give it a rest. You’ve more than made your point by now.

I know what you’re saying , the thing is , they don’t think do they 🤷🏻‍♀️ , when they cheat how much they’re jeopardising .
I think this is a very sad story for all concerned, OP especially which obviously goes without saying .

How it helps OP: "the truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off".

No one is helped away from a cheat by other women minimising the cheating.

no of course not. I just found it very irritating to be told to have compassion and consideration for a bitch who had acted as selfishly as my husband. And the attempts to paint her as tragic victim were just repulsive. I don’t know what kicks people get out of kicking someone when they feel down already.