Husband received overseas paternity test request and is refusing to engage

[Operaofthephantom]

I'm pretty sure I already know what this means but I can't talk to anyone close right now because I don't have the energy.
Husband got asked to comply with a paternity test request from abroad. It was issued via a solicitor's office by post. I know the requestor, or at least have met her before some years ago. One of those times she was pregnant and she and her husband were so happy.

He denies everything and refuses to engage and says he doesn't have to.
I don't know why I am even writing this. I somehow already know that it's probably true and that he'll never admit it.

Why?!

If someone says "You ARE XYZ" when you know that you are not, all you need is one cheek swab to prove you are not a liar or a cheat.

I dont understand why you wouldnt do that to get is cleared up quick and easy.

@BlazenWeights So you would avoid taking any responsibility for the child you sired?
Just like many many other feckless absent parents do in the UK.

That's still a husband problem. If he hadn't put his dick in her, she wouldn't be an OW to be any kind of a problem to you.

how anyone can be criticising the OP for being angry with the OW I seriously don't know

Do you know the song "Jolene"?

Many wives, in an attempt to save the marriage, blame the OW for the affair. If the wife can rationalise it to herself as the the fault of "the evil temptress who turned his head", she can pretend that he's a good man. Just like the singer in Jolene, she frames the affair as solely the OW's decision.

Believe me when I tell you that men can say no even to an amorous naked 19 year old woman climbing into their beds§. If they can say no then, they can say no to their secretaries, trainees, running club mates, you name it.

Men only have their heads turned if they want to turn them in the first place. Anger at the OW is understandable, but also misplaced.

§ And thank you to the two single male postdocs who (separately, I might add) demonstrated this to me, one of whom I'd previously shagged so it wasn't that he just didn't fancy me. You made me completely reconsider what men can be like about sex, for the better, and hold all of them to higher standards. Even if I was disappointed at the time...

I think you misread that post.

Being told she has a moral obligation to financially support the OW child

No, the OP doesn't. Her husband does, if the child is his. This is why I have said many times that OP needs to protect her half of the marital assets by divorcing the cheating lying Temu Casanova. He can pay child support for all his children whilst living in a bedsit, without the OP's share of the marital assets being considered when calculating what he can afford to pay for his child with the OW.

That's nuts.

Like, "I never drink, so I refuse to take a breathalyser to prove that I'm sober" levels of nuts.

Morning op, how you doing with the advice and recommendations on here, understandable this news is worrying and can be life changing depending on out come,

Hope hope you get answers you truly deserve the truth now op 💐

Yes, and I do understand where this attitude comes from, namely a reaction against the days when people believed men "can't help themselves" and it was up to women to maintain decency to others in society - a view that was clearly misogynistic and utterly wrong.

But my position is that all too often changes in societal attitudes are prone to pendulum swing, taking the response way too far - just as far, often - in the other direction. That isn't balanced or helpful either.

Of course the man can help it, of course he bears responsibility and is the person who has betrayed his vows. A cheating husband or male partner fully deserves the anger being directed at him.

But that is not to say the OW is blameless in circumstances where she knew what the situation was. If any person knows their actions will hurt another, they are still not a good person to act on that heedlessly and without a justifying reason to override that (ie; not turning up for their DM's birthday because they have a dc in hospital they need to visit or similar).

Simply fancying sleeping with someone else's partner - and knowingly - is a nasty and self-centred act, and I don't think it a) makes a difference if that person is male or female or b) is conducive to building a better world if we adopt an attitude that you can hurt others as much as you like provided you haven't taken vows to them.

DNA results wouldn't prove you hadn't cheated.

I agree the majority of hurt/blame should be towards the man, but it's also ok not to think very highly of someone who slept with your husband. In op's case this woman knew her and socialised with her while pregnant so it's completely normal to look back and think what a sneaky cow she was. Completely allowed.

And she was married too. It's perfectly ok to be upset at the other woman.

I have to agree with this. If a married man tried to pursue a relationship with me I’d tell him where to go. Out of respect for myself and his unknowing wife. Of course he shouldn’t be doing it and he’s a shit - but what kind of woman encourages that? And yes, one that was married as well. Why wouldn’t you be angry with both of them?

I hope you are ok OP

Neither of you are wrong. I don't think much of women who knowingly have sex with married men.

• If she's married, she's betrayed her husband and risked her marriage.
• If she's single, then at best, she does herself a huge disservice, accepting the crumbs of his affection and time left over from his family. At worst, she hopes that he will leave his wife for her and not later leave her for someone else.

To be an OW, one hence must lack self-worth or be stupid.

A woman with sense and self-respect refuses the overtures of a married man and makes no overtures towards him because she refuses to debase herself to the status of "side chick" (to use the modern parlance), not because she feels some kind of moral duty towards his wife. Women are not responsible for assuring the sexual morality of the whole of society, that thinking taken to its logical extreme gets you the Taliban.

Every married man who cheats does so by either lying about being single or by taking advantage of a woman's low self-worth or lack of sense. "Sexual predation" might be too strong a term for some people, but in some cases, it's applicable, and I argue that it could be in this case. OP has told us that her DespicableH co-owns the company and was in Czechia to train OW, so the OW was a subordinate of his. How do you say "no" to your boss when he can fire you for it?

Hmm. I respectfully disagree. I hear where you’re coming from, but imo, a married woman cheating on her husband is not simply only lacking in self esteem or stupid, she could be both of those things and also be callous and calculating. You have painted her like a victim at the mercy of her boss. How do we know it was him pursuing her? What if she thought it would advance her career?

I think it is sexist to take away the consideration that she has acted in full capacity, with control over her own actions, the same as you are affording him. A woman can be cold and inconsiderate of those who are affected by her actions, without that affecting the man’s responsibility for his own actions.

For the record, I would say the same about a man. If he knows a woman is married, he is acting with disregard for her husband/family as well. It’s not like we only affect our spouses. Our actions can have consequences for many other people.

I was interested in why the Op stayed with a DH who she knew was cheating. STI’s , children, gossip and many other unwelcome extras can come with duplicitous behaviour.
I think if the Op understands what her final straw looks like she will know if this is it. She may just be angry or humiliated but not bothered about separation if it doesn’t work for her?

She didn't know he was cheating

Don’t be stewpeed. Innocent means it’s not my child. 😣

I think it's sexist to disregard the physical strength advantage men have over women and their increased social power.

If a woman thinks she can sleep her way to the top, more fool her. He'll fuck her and then not deliver the goods. She might think she's being clever, but she's not, and he will take advantage of that. That isn't about her lacking agency, she has the agency to make stupid decisions, but about him taking advantage of her making that stupid decision.

You seem to think a woman choosing to have sex with a man is him taking advantage of her. I’m not sure why you see it this way. Of course it can be that way, but there is nothing here to suggest it must have been that way.

If OP wants to be pissed off at her husband AND at the woman who had sex with him knowing he was married and while she was also married, then that’s perfectly normal imo. It doesn’t mean what happened was the OW’s fault, but she’s not a victim here.

Maybe you haven’t met a “bad” woman, but I have, and I’ve met more than one. If a man can be “bad” out of choice, so can a woman. And I have no skin in the game, I’m not trying to blame a woman for anything in my life, but if I was OP I would be pissed off with the OW as well as my H.

It's not always, but in some circumstances I'd argue that it inherently is. In a situation where "no" risks one's career, for example.

Again, I ask: How do you say "no" to your boss when he can fire you for it?

Id rather lose the job tbh

Assuming you can get another before you default on your mortgage, yes.

I don't have a mortgage